Sunday, July 31, 2016

For Me

A couple weeks ago, I was having a conversation with my mother.  About how I tend to not really wear perfumes, because Lux has no sense of smell, and I don't really care for them.  That I don't make any decisions on my appearance for how other people feel about them, but for me.

My mother scoffed at it, and responded as though that made me an asshole.  

Mind you, I very rarely look like a shlub.  I'm always clean, and groomed, and like to keep up with myself, as well as wear clean clothing.

But I wouldn't make anywhere near the decisions about my appearance that I do if I was so worried about other people.  I wouldn't dress anywhere near the same, because as is, I am constantly stared at, put down, and treated like I'm a freak.  I would just be trying to fit in to fashion, and have no sense of self expression, too afraid to do something outside of what society deems as appropriate.

I wouldn't have my tattoos, or piercings, or wear the jewelry I make.

And I wouldn't be me anymore.

I love the fact that I'm weird.  I love that I think outside of the box.  I love that I have a very particular brand of style that is so distinctly me.  

And yes, sometimes I do want to look better than others.  Sometimes I want pick something that someone else likes as well, but it's always something I like, and something that I feel like me in.

I'm not for everyone, and I don't want to be.  I want to be what can only be seen as, or identified as me.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Silly Sadism

A few weeks ago, I mentioned that Lux commented that he had no way to really threaten me, or assert dominance over me.  That is was nice in a way, that he knew all submission was purely because he had been a safe and supportive enough domly dom to earn it, but sometimes he wants reinforce that he's in charge.

Just, keep that post in mind.  It'll come back, I promise.

Last weekend Lux came to visit for both our birthdays, and to drop off fabric for me to make him some things, and see his parents before Pennsic.  Oh, and show off his new swanky truck.

We went to dinner, and an arcade afterward where we were super silly, then got ice cream.  Afterward, we came back to the house, and snuggled up for a while.

Then he snuggled half his weight on me, and I went to grope on his arms.  Which, for those of you who don't know, are giant, and with him working out lately, have gotten very defined, and super pretty.  I often nom on them, sometimes to show affection as a whole, and sometimes just because his arms look particularly pretty.

He trapped my arms under him, then started flexing, and I couldn't nom on his arms.  And I pouted the biggest pout I could muster, and he kept doing it a few times before letting me go so I could nom on him and then snuggle in.

Then he joked about how this is what is required for him to be a sadist.  Just to keep me from nomming on him.

We have the weirdest power exchange.  And it's the best.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

One Sided Switch

While Pyre, Panda, and I were talking last weekend, Pyre brought up that a guy had given her a foot rub at Fusion last year because he feet were so fried.  At Summerfest, he expressed desire to submit to her, and all that jazz.

And her reaction was that she doesn't really like to top or dominate guys.  Panda agreed that even though she's primarily a bottom and a submissive herself, she felt the same.

I didn't agree, saying that the vast majority of the time, I lean toward topping or being the domly person in a play situation.

Sometimes, I feel like that view on things is kind of a cop out.  It sort of just runs on physical appearance and standard gender ideas when switches choose what side they'll take just by the gender of the other person.

It means Pyre will never really fight back with Kitty (even though she is a brat to him, as we all are and should be) or feel like she wants power over him just because he's a boy.  That's so weird.  It's just so black and white that it feels kind of wrong to me.  And it's such a common view.

I wonder if it's that women don't feel confident in their ability to express dominance.  That they need physical presence in order to gain power, and that is so very rarely the case.  Sure, Lux is a brick wall and way bigger than me, but that just makes him better to snuggle on, rather than giving him the ability to be domly.  I've had submissives who were guys, and girls, and they were all generally taller than me.

There's got to be some sort of reason for it.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Lezbeans

So, Pyre and her wife crashed over this weekend before going on their mini tour.  Kitty was of course super happy that we were hanging out, and I was helping the people he cares about.  At the same time, he was a little worried.

See, I might not be considered the best influence for the behavior of others.  I never endanger people, or pressure them into things that would be seen as harmful, or damaging.  I however, put bugs in their heads to say things that might not be the most appropriate, or would be more entertaining to everyone.  This has a tendency to get Pyre in trouble with Kitty, which I am remarkably ok with.

He also apparently barely talks about everything that's happened to him before moving to DC.  He only mentioned me before I really actively came back into his life seriously, and so there is a massive chunk of his life that he either doesn't remember, or doesn't mention.

And then along comes a good partner like me, who fills in some of those holes.  Sometimes this worries him, and sometimes it terrifies him, but I try to keep it from really making him look like a bad person.

Anyway, so they came up, and I fed them lots of food, and we joked about, and teased him from the long distance, and giggled, and hung out, and it was a load of fun.  I think this is the first partner of his that I've really approved of, which is made funny because she filled a very similar role to me while I was less present.

Pyre approves of me beating up her wife, which is cool, and they are both super excited about having me on eventually to perform with them, which would be amazing.

I also fed them both Jersey bagels, which they now understand how amazing they are.

There were also a ton of interesting conversations that will likely become blogs to get me through Pennsic soon.  Hooray for plenty of ideas.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Steps

I've been trying to do more to take care of myself lately, especially in order to be in better shape for Pennsic, but also just to feel better over all.

I've decided to do a slow, but complete detox off of caffeine.  I started drinking coffee, and any caffeinated beverage for that matter, only due to the taste, and now having to consume some in the morning because otherwise I will get a horrible headache is no fun.  I want to be able to make that choice, not for it to be mandatory.  So right now I'm limiting myself to one cup a day, and still not drinking any soda, and very reluctantly not diving into my jar of chocolate espresso beans.  I'm finding that the mornings are a little easier for me, and I'm taking less time to feel awake.

Even with the vast amount of birthdays and things going on this month, I'm trying to watch how much, and what I eat more closely.  That's not very easy here, where my parents basically live on meat and carbs, and I'm constantly pestering them for fruits and veggies, but I'm doing what I can.

I'm also pushing myself more to work out regularly, and not make excuses.  I'm doing regular dancing cardio days, as well as more advanced yoga which does a lot of bodyweight exercise, and keeps me moving as well.  I'm pretty sure that I'm putting on muscle, rather than losing fat, and it's having a strange effect on my body a whole.  For the first time in my life I have a legitimate butt gap in the back of my jeans, and while it's a bit annoying because my clothes fit oddly, it's making me look a lot  curvier overall, and I'm certain that no boy is going to complain about me having a bigger butt with my waist being the same size or smaller.

I'm pretty busy right now between everything, but it's no excuse not to take care of myself.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Accomplice

When Thrax was trying to convince me that we needed to date Bit, I constantly told him that I didn't want it to happen.  I told him that if he was going to bring in another partner, it had to be someone I approved of, because with how often we spent time together, and that he wanted her to live there, it would be like me dating her too.  He swore that I wouldn't be dating her, but then also said that "our" relationship needed a girlfriend in the same breath, hoping that would make him look less like a selfish asshat.

Well, y'know, I didn't want someone who lied, stole, did drugs, had a bunch of unprotective sex already with STDs, and was generally disrespectful in our dynamic.  Oh damn, look at me being the bad guy.

Now, while I don't really care if my partners become super besties, it is significantly easier for me if they get along.  I'm really lucky that Lux and Kitty approve of each other, and hit it off pretty well.

And, Kitty feels the same way.  He gets a lot of joy in knowing his partners get along.

While I don't talk to Fox that often, he has another partner that stayed near DC.  She apparently had a similar role that I did when he moved there, where he sort of took on a caretaker friendship, though she did less of that for him than I apparently did.  I met her while down to visit in the spring, and while I thought she had her snooty moments, she and her wife were very chill.  Her name is Pyre.

Well, Pyre and I talk a lot.  We share a bunch of ideas, and BS, and make fun of Kitty.  And, she's all up for my brand of mischief.  Before the move, I frequently sent her on missions to mess with him, as my way of long distance affection.  Sometimes, it gets her punished, which I am remarkably ok with, and amused by.

We get along to the point where she's coming up to spend a night this weekend.  Her wife is a musician, and they're doing a tour up in the northen states, and because I'm only about an hour and a half from their first stop, they're making things a lot easier, by doing most of their drive the day before.  We plan to spin fire, and burn things, and relax.

I'm also trying to see if Pyre's wife can set up a small tour along the beach towns near here, and seeing if they can get in for fire shows.  They may as well reap the benefits of my location.

They've also said that if I want to, I can borrow palm torches, and dance with them as staff of Dark Odyssey.  And I can get in some dance classes as well.  Which, seems incredibly cool.  I'm still not fond of public play, but at that point I'd be working safety when I'm not dancing, helping them with classes, set up, and take down.  However, those events are super expensive, and I'd rarely have the chance to attend them otherwise.  I'd also be with people who make me happy, and that I'm absolutely safe with.

I don't think I'm going to be able to do Summerfest this year, but giving myself until next spring to decide on Fusion seems good.

Sometimes, my partners have damn good taste.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Doot!

To be honest, I have no idea what to write about lately.  There isn't much really inspiring me to write, so, a normal update and rambles until I find something more interesting.

I've been getting things ready for Pennsic while the beastie is gone so I don't have her up my butt.  She's also been away for a while, and it makes me miss tackling the little beast.  I've been trying to utilize the time though, which is helping me get through all the quiet.

Spending this much time without people I care about around really digs at me though.  It is in general not good for me, and hasn't had a good effect on me at all, especially because cute boys are still completely busy during the day.

My friend and I went to do something new lately, and I think I might give it to Lux for his birthday.  It's kind of lame, and really random for a gift, but it's the first thing I've made in the medium, which makes it a bit cooler.  I'll have to see once I look at the finished product for a while.

With the extra time, I've started watching more anime again.  I find myself drawn to more ecchi stuff lately, because it usually has more interesting comedy, and I find it entertaining due to the many themes they use while throwing excuses for characters to be naked, without it turning into hentai.

However, I've been craving projects way more often lately, and am in the mood to draw way more.  I may wind up doing a bunch of small pieces, and see what all I can do to make them interesting.

I asked Lux for a birthday beating, because I've really been craving getting bruised up and hurt.  Not even some elaborate scene, but moreso acting just as a punching bag.  Maybe it'll be some good catharsis for he and I if it happens.

All in all, it's been weird lately, but there's lots of birthdays and things happening soon.  I hope it brings some more interesting and good turns of events.

Thursday, July 07, 2016

Self Pride

One day last week was apparently straight pride day.  Of course, for a lot of reasons, there was flak on social media over it.  And, while yes, there are problems with putting that on the same level as other pride celebrations, or putting down other orientations in order to celebrate something, I personally, do get to have pride in my heterosexuality.

I have pride because I've had people say to my face that they would never consider dating me not because of who I am, but because I am straight, and they would only date someone bisexual, because they "need threesomes, and would want the other person to enjoy it".  Where he literally didn't know how to have a significant other her couldn't fetishize by their sexuality.

I have pride because for two years, I was told to lie about my heterosexuality.  That being straight was a "construct of society being forced on me" and that I "had to like girls, because they were hot."
That even though I said I was straight, it was being ignored, and I was told that I had to have sex, and have a sexual relationship with a girl I didn't like, in an attempt to get her to start dating him.  That he wanted all my play with girls to be sexual, and not allowing the idea that play could be non-sexual.

I see people asking if they have to worry while holding hands with their partner in public.  And yes, I do.  I worry in public because of my very different appearance.  I worry because I am small, even if I am strong.  I worry because I have an interracial dynamic.  I worry because I have multiple partners.  I worry because one of my partners has dark skin.

There are so many reasons that I might get shit in public, and so many times that I've had to deal with shit because of my sexuality.

So, damnit, I will be proud of my sexuality.  Not because I find it to be better, but because it is a part of me.

Sunday, July 03, 2016

Introspection

I've had a lot of conversations about gender lately.  With people who are nonbinary, are in relationships with nonbinary folks, and how others feel about nonbinary folks.

And ofcourse, it has me thinking.

If I was hardpressed, I'm probably somewhere on the scale of being Agender.  And while this is likely surprising to people because I don't talk about it, it likely makes sense to them.

I have no real problem saying that I am genetically female.  I've got female sex characteristics, and that's cool.  She/Her pronouns are fine, and have never bothered me.  They fit my appearance, which is no problem.

However, calling myself a "girl" or a "woman" never really feels like it fits.  Feminine titles seem wrong in a way, and in fact, I've had conversations with people that masculine ones feel more suited to me.

I don't really feel like a boy either though.

And their isn't any fluctuation.  I'm just always statically me.  No guessing, no flux in what I feel to identify more with.  There really isn't any time when I feel more feminine or masculine, and I pick clothes just depending on what I'm doing that day.

Rather than feeling like a boy or a girl, I feel like a Loki.

Can that be a gender?

Yea, fuck fitting into the box of being a girl or a boy.  I'm just a Loki.