Sunday, October 30, 2016

Ready

Lux comes back from travelling this weekend, and I couldn't be happier about it.  Sure, he lives further away than I'd like him to all the time, but after a few days, I was done with the time difference.  Him being six hours later meant we got no real time together.  I woke up when he was halfway through his work day, and when he was getting out of work it was close to when the beast gets home from school.  By the time he's going to bed, I'm not even at the point of making dinner, and it's just too much of a difference for us to really spend much time.  I'll be very happy for us both to be back to a very similar time table, and can't wait to see him again as well.  I even made him some little toys to play with.

In less than a week I see Kitty again, and I am made of excitement.  I am super happy to get to spend time with him, regardless of what we're doing, and really am just looking forward to having solid time together.  We've both had a lot going on, so this will be a lot of catching up and leveling out and being dopey with little things.

I've finished the massive crochet project I was working on, and it weighs a ton.  That being said, my hands got better quickly, and I've had no problems since.  Now to hop onto some of the rest of my pile of projects, and make some awesome things.  I'm getting a lot done lately, and really focusing on getting things accomplished and taking care of myself.

The rest of my living situation may not help me with a lot of this, but some things are looking up a lot, and I am ready for it.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Can't Stop Won't Stop

I'm writing this because I'm forcing myself to give my hands a break.

Yes, this sounds strange because I am still using my hands to type.  But this is fine for them as far as I know today.

Lately, I've been running hard to finish the projects I have.  Crocheting in whatever time I have to make a ton of pieces, then stitching them together to build one of the coolest comforters I've ever put together.  It's massive, and almost done, but with the little bit of force it takes to get the yarn needle through everything over and again, and the speed I've been going at, the muscle in the thumbs are sore as hell.  It's like after leg day, but for my hands.

And it's been an odd day.  At first I used the time to do some cleaning and chores, and waiting for Squishy's father to get here before I really dug into anything.  As I looked at what I needed to do though, I couldn't find much that wasn't going to be hard on my hands.  I worked out, and got some organizing done.

And then I realized just how difficult trying to tell myself not to work on things is.  I mean, I know that I am the kind of person that needs to keep busy, but when I have to force myself to not work on things that are there, it's genuinely a challenge.  I got some sewing done to see progress on something, but I still feel like I need to do more with my day.

I'm hoping by tomorrow that my hands feel better, and become stronger from this.  I have so much more to work on, and so much to do in the coming weeks.  And I need my hands strong to help take care of myself and loved ones.


Sunday, October 23, 2016

Nosedive

The other day, I'm downstairs having some water, and putting on my shoes to get the beast off the bus.  The doorbell rings, about five minutes before I would normally walk out the door.  It's an odd time for people to show up, and no one had ordered anything.

I open the door and find my uncle.  The asshole one I posted about a while back.  Except I have no mental preparation for him to visit, so instantly my brain panics.

No more than two minutes after he walks in the door, the starts swatting at my stomach asking what "that" is.  I tell him it's my stomach, and has a bunch of extra skin from having a kid.  He gets like two inches from my face, saying it's been too long since I had the beast, and so it should be gone.  My mother and his wife (who has a kid from before they were married) all say with me that it's extra skin and will be around forever.

He insists it can't just be skin, to which I tell him that there is a lot of muscle under what is very obviously empty skin.  He tells me I do nothing, and there's no way I could have muscle.  I point out that I work out, and dance nearly every day.  He tells me I don't.  Because obviously I'm just lying to him.  At this point I walk out to get the beast off the bus.

When I come in with her, I go to get her set up with her homework, and label her page so that she knows where to put things.  He starts saying I'm doing her work for her, and baby her too much, and do everything for her.  I tell him that I'm labelling something so she knows how to lay out her work, and I am the only person I allow to do her work with her, because everyone in the house just gives her answers and does it for her.  He shuts up, and instead walks around the table, where I'm leaned over looking at papers less than a foot away from the beast.  He then starts grabbing at my sides, and it takes every bit of my restraint not to swing at him, because my daughter is too close to me for me to be sure she'll be safe if I do.

He continues with his normal telling me that I'm a piece of shit, and I try to cool down.

After he leaves, I tell my mom how pissed I was, and she tells me I was overreacting.  Then my father comes home.  My mother tells him her version of what happens, and I hear him say "Well I've seen plenty of girls who have had kids and don't have a belly like hers."  My mother responds with "I know, but she was insulted because he pointed out her stomach."  At which point I'm about to get violent again.  I wanted to walk in and ask how many girls he's looking at who lost as much weight as I have, had kids, and didn't have access to photoshop or a smartphone.  To point out that every dancer with kids that I know has a stomach just like mine, because that's how the abdominal muscles form when you dance.

I wanted to tell that that his comment wasn't what matter.  It was the fact that he was grabbing at me like he was entitled to.  That all he does it treat me like shit, and then act like I'm an object, and I should put up with it because he's related to me.  That he just refuses to believe anything I say and has to have a problem with every aspect of me because I'm nothing like him, and don't just agree with him.

A more textbook example of abuse could not be found, and of backing abuse with more abuse.  And this is what I live with.  These are the problems we read about on social media.  These are the reasons some women never date, or start doing drugs, or drinking.  It took me a long time to level out from it at all, and I don't know how much more of it I can sit through.


Thursday, October 20, 2016

Curled Up

Lux may be across an ocean, and many countries away right now, but the week before he left, I felt so much better, and like we were both getting what we needed.  We spent a lot of time throughout the week on Discord together, and I watched streams of him playing games, so that if we couldn't be curled up on a couch together, we would still have that presence with each other.

And while we may message each other constantly, having that time to actively do something together helped so much.  

To make it better, before he left, he visited his parents, and spent the night with me.  I was so happy to just have the chance to be snuggled up with him, and spend time with him before he went so far away, and we had to adjust to the massive time change.  I think we both needed the time, especially because he had so much going on throughout that week.

We've both been more present, and attentive, and it's definitely helping.

Plans with Kitty are also coming together, and I'm super excited to see him.  We plan to utilize the quiet evenings while Lux is gone to talk more and make further plans.

Things with boys are good.  They're cute, and I'm feeling very grateful for them lately.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Pains in the Butt

When I was with Thrax, I hated going to anything with him.  As soon as we'd get there, he would literally be telling me to go away any time I was in the same room as him, regardless of what I was doing, because he'd be trying to hit on someone else, or manipulate someone.  I usually wouldn't see him until he was too drunk to walk, and I needed to get him to bed.  I always found other people to spend time with, but still, I hated the fact that any time other people were around, or we were doing anything, he wanted nothing to do with me.  Yet more things that I've been taught about poly and balancing through having to deal with it from the worst side.


There's a reason I point this out, I promise.

Kitty and I have been planning to go to GKE.  It'll be our first weekend have time focused on each other in a year, and we're both looking forward to it.  We still need to finalize some plans, but it's coming together.

And Lux will be just back from his work adventure.  He said that he still has some interest in going to it as well, because he's still trying to gain comfort with public play, and wants to see people, but doesn't want to feel like a third wheel.

I assured him he wouldn't be, but then it turned into something more frustrating than it should be.

Kitty wouldn't say he wanted the weekend because he wanted to be supportive of Lux making that growth.

Lux wouldn't say he was going to make plans to go because he didn't want to impede on my time with Kitty.

They're both being good, and I just want to snuggle up with each of them.  It becomes more frustrating because I feel like I'm put in the situation where I have to decide what's happening, and it becomes me choosing one of them over the other, even if just short term.  I know that isn't the case, but I don't want either of them to feel ignored, or like I'm pushing them aside.

Lux then said he would go by himself, because he had to attend things alone for a long time.  And that kind of makes me feel the same way.  Like he has to find a way to go alone because I'm pushing him away for someone else.  He assured me that wasn't the case, several times, because I continually checked, and I made sure he would find me if he needed some time.

Sometimes, the problem is that we're all trying to be good partners at the same time, and it is something that is frustrating in a good way.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Messy

If my brain were a room, It'd be a big space, with lots of random things.  Space to dance, and work tables, and big bookshelves, and big boxes where cute boys live.  Normally, it's got lots of things being worked on and thought about but all in their respective areas, where they stay organized, and let me work on everything I want.

Right now though, it's a mess.  A mess of different things.

I miss spending time with Lux and Kitty.  Even though I've been talking to them both more regularly, I haven't had time to relax with either of them in person for months.  Lux was planning to come down last weekend to spend time with his parents, and we would have found some time for quiet snuggles, but he was sick, which means I won't be seeing him until after he gets back from travelling to far away lands for work.  Pretty much all I want at this point is time to actually physically snuggle up with them.

I'm worried about Lux with everything in his life right now.  He has a lot of stress, and it's affecting him heavily in his everyday life.  Unfortunately, I don't have much ability to help since he's so far away, and knowing he's leaving kind of makes us both worry more.

However, there's only a couple of weeks until I see Kitty, even if we don't have anything set in stone yet.  I'm looking forward to just seeing him again, regardless of what we wind up doing at this point.  Hopefully this week gives us time to figure stuff out though, so we know exactly what we're doing.

So yea, the room in my brain is a mess.  In the next couple weeks it'll get cleaned up though.

Sunday, October 09, 2016

Reminders

There are times that I see how much I've grown over time, and how I've learned to see red flags, and just how much I truly won't put up with.

Unfortunately, I'm seeing this because of other people.

There are emotionally abusive people out there who purposely seek out those who are fresh out of relationships.  People who hunt down those who have been single for a long time.  The kind of people who know they are toxic partners, but don't want to change themselves to have healthy relationships, but hope they'll find someone that will believe their poison for the long term.

When someone gets out of an abusive relationship, or gets done with a bad break up, or has been unpartnered for a long time, it causes them to crave attention.  To eat up any acknowledgement focused at them, and throw themselves at it, because they are so used to the opposite.  They hope that this person that says positive things means them, even though they say it without knowing who they are.

And because you don't remember how healthy dynamics feel, you fall, and hard.  The person sees this, knows the hook is set, and starts seeing what they can get away with.  They make excuses, or blame everyone else, or create new reasons for doing the same thing over and over again.  But they're so sweet, how could they possibly want something other than your happiness.

But it spirals quickly.  It always does.  No one can keep up a mask forever, and you're caught in the abusive trap again, but still don't remember what a healthy relationship is, if you've ever been in one at all.

And yes, I do know what this is like.  It's the only reason I can see dating Thrax after breaking up with the gnome.  After being treated like such garbage, I had someone so actively pursuing me.  And it was better than things with the gnome were, so I assumed it would be a healthy dynamic after four years of abuse.  Well, that was wrong.

However, I've taken time to look at what a healthy dynamic does look like.  To know what basic respect is, and found people who do believe in returning it when I give it.  Who may not shower me with praise, but speak it when it's necessary, and celebrate my flaws as being a part of me, rather than trying to throw shame at anything they don't agree with.

I no longer tolerate anyone who makes a pass at me without spending time with me as friends first.  People that instantly fall for me make me want to run, rather than feel endeared.  I've got a lot of things about me that so many people could never deal with, or that they want to acknowledge.

If people want to be in my life an important to me, they need to take the time to make that space.  Let's learn each other, and build something organic and fun.

Thursday, October 06, 2016

A Difficult List

There was this thing on social media lately, where people are supposed to choose three fictional characters that they relate to/explain who they are.  A ton of people were posting it all around, and while I wanted to see what people thought of, I couldn't think of a list for myself.  I am in general someone who is very much only myself.  I'm weird, and proud of it, and it makes it hard for me to be really similar to anyone.

I posted it anyway, wondering what people would respond with.

One person posted a purple minion.  Yea, thanks asshat.  While that may have been a joke once, it actually doesn't relate to who I am at all.  Glad to hear that you have no idea about me.

Someone else said Karen Murphy from Dresden Files.  Which, while I wouldn't normally make that correlation, I do find a ton of similarities when I think about it.  I enjoy this comparison, for several reasons, and as such, I will put her on my list.

Well, then I kept thinking.  Three characters that make up me.  There's too many surface foils that seem like me, and have nothing to do with me over all.  After a few days though, of passing thoughts, I've made up my own list.

Moriarty
Karen Murphy
Eikichi Onizuka

Three characters, that when you take their most prevalent traits, you get me.  Someone intelligent, witty, devious, and highly sociopathic.  Someone small, stubborn, protective, and far stronger than anyone would ever give them credit for.  And someone who is just off enough that everyone sees them as a problem at first, but is simply being themselves, without censoring that for the comfort of conformity, and trying to be a good person in the process.

Yea.  That's me.  That right there.

Sunday, October 02, 2016

Time

I've been trying to have more time talking to both Kitty and Lux.  Regular chats with Kitty have been helping a ton, and have had a very positive impact on my mood.  Lux has been stressed though, and even though we recently saw each other when we went camping, we got very little time to relax together.

And that's what I want.

I want time to just curl up and relax with someone.  Time when we're not running around trying to get stuff done, and I can actually have physical contact and comfort.

It's been a couple months since it's happened at this point, and it's definitely affecting me.  

Things like this cause me to be cranky more easily, and I lose my place in thought, or just feel off.  

While there's possible time I'll be spending with both boys in the next month, I don't know about either of them definitely yet, and it makes me feel worse in a way.  Because at this point, I've more or less learned not to expect the happier option for myself, but simply be disappointed from the start, which is part of why just presence and the smaller things do make me so happy.

Hopefully though, I'll find out soon, and get to plan for time with lots of snuggles and time enjoying important people.