Pains in the Butt

When I was with Thrax, I hated going to anything with him.  As soon as we'd get there, he would literally be telling me to go away any time I was in the same room as him, regardless of what I was doing, because he'd be trying to hit on someone else, or manipulate someone.  I usually wouldn't see him until he was too drunk to walk, and I needed to get him to bed.  I always found other people to spend time with, but still, I hated the fact that any time other people were around, or we were doing anything, he wanted nothing to do with me.  Yet more things that I've been taught about poly and balancing through having to deal with it from the worst side.

There's a reason I point this out, I promise.

Kitty and I have been planning to go to GKE.  It'll be our first weekend have time focused on each other in a year, and we're both looking forward to it.  We still need to finalize some plans, but it's coming together.

And Lux will be just back from his work adventure.  He said that he still has some interest in going to it as well, because he's still trying to gain comfort with public play, and wants to see people, but doesn't want to feel like a third wheel.

I assured him he wouldn't be, but then it turned into something more frustrating than it should be.

Kitty wouldn't say he wanted the weekend because he wanted to be supportive of Lux making that growth.

Lux wouldn't say he was going to make plans to go because he didn't want to impede on my time with Kitty.

They're both being good, and I just want to snuggle up with each of them.  It becomes more frustrating because I feel like I'm put in the situation where I have to decide what's happening, and it becomes me choosing one of them over the other, even if just short term.  I know that isn't the case, but I don't want either of them to feel ignored, or like I'm pushing them aside.

Lux then said he would go by himself, because he had to attend things alone for a long time.  And that kind of makes me feel the same way.  Like he has to find a way to go alone because I'm pushing him away for someone else.  He assured me that wasn't the case, several times, because I continually checked, and I made sure he would find me if he needed some time.

Sometimes, the problem is that we're all trying to be good partners at the same time, and it is something that is frustrating in a good way.