Sunday, April 30, 2017

On Empty

This week has been incredibly draining.  Every day there has been something else happening that has just left me more and more fried.

The old man has been throwing screaming fits telling me how I'm too stupid to function.  This is after I am asked to literally put cookies on a plate for him to offer people who come over and prepping a pot of coffee, because he admits he "can't handle doing that" himself.

Gnome has been bringing Squishy home super late on weekends he takes her, both on a holiday (so she spent none of it with us, making my mom a pissy pain in the ass to boot) and on a school night.  Not only that, but I sent her with a school project over her spring break, and in that week, and the weekend after they had barely anything done, but swore they'd get it done this weekend.  I told him to just bring it down, and we'd finish it.  Well, there was so little done, and almost all incorrect, which meant we needed to do it all over, in a week before it was due.  What took him over a week to barely start, the beast and I did in three days, and we needed to pick up a new printer.

She also had a color run at school for a fundraiser.  That on the bright side was fun because it meant I got to throw color at the kids.

Lux had some stuff happen with his family, and had to change his plan to come south this weekend.

And I had to write out a really hard email to Kitty, that we still haven't gotten to talk about much, but we will soon.

Ma was in a car accident.  She's fine, and the car drives, but the passenger door is gonna need work.

I feel drained.  Like I'm running on empty.  I feel like I need a beating (after this sunburn from the color run heals) and an adventure, and some form of stability.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Crisis Vision

Even when I was a teenager, I got calls when shit hit the fan.  Massive things happened, and I was the person who could figure out what to do.  The one who reminded other people to breathe, and stayed calm and handled things.

For some reason, I kept my composure during these massive explosions.  I can keep cool, and direct things, and figure out what to do, and help everyone, or take action myself.

The little things though.  They tear me apart.  I freak, want to curl up in a ball, and hit things, and scream.

And, I think it's because there is so little I can do.  With an abusive household, the little things happen a lot, and it winds up turning into me venting to Lux a lot, even though he doesn't deserve it with everything else going on right now.

Little issues, and small problems with people being assholes get to me way more than they should.

And, I think it's that those little things are so constant.  So consistent, and without me able to just do what's necessary to fix it they all pile up, where the larger more immediate crises are big yes, but get handled, and eventually come to a close.

Maybe, the little things after so long aren't so little, and that's why I have such a shitty time with them.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

Narnia

So, I'm pretty open with the general public about the goings on in my life.  About kink, and poly, and gender, and all those things.  Obviously, I don't let it take over conversation with my vanilla friends, and am able to keep things professional and appropriate when needed, but I don't feel a need to hide that from every other aspect of my life.

At home though, I deal with listening to my parents spewing all the bigoted shit about how so many people who aren't almost completely heteronormative are broken, sick, looking for attention, or a thousand other things.  I listen to them reference things I identify with, and that they believe those people demented.  They tell me that because I don't have a stereotypical relationship, I'm being taken advantage of, and that I'm just being stupid.

And so even though I'm not gay, or trans, I'm in the closet at home, with so many aspects of my life.

It's stressful honestly, and I don't know how so many people do it with everyone for so many years of their lives.  I absolutely don't blame them for taking so long to trust people, and constantly worrying.

Because with them, and anyone they know I'm abusive, abused, and disturbed only because I like kink.

I'm a cheating horrible bitch of a homewrecker because I have more than one partner.

I'm looking for attention, and delusional because I'm agender.

But the fact that I have been abused is just because I'm a stupid piece of shit, not because I wasn't taught what healthy interaction is.

They prove my point just with that.

And this is why I try to explain so much to my daughter, because while I may not be able to tell her everything out of fear of my family finding out, she can become aware and accepting of that in others.


Thursday, April 20, 2017

My Own Skin

I've been thinking a lot about how looking like me, and feeling like me helps my mood.

I went through my old clothes a while ago, and got rid of a lot of stuff that fit poorly, or was getting old, or things that had been bought for me that I just hated.  Since then picking out clothes makes me feel like I'm being me, rather than having to force myself to act like me while in someone else's clothes.

I generally dress very differently how society would deem "normal", or a preferred way from anyone else in my house, and a lot of people I know.  I also have a lot of things about my appearance that have me regularly getting stared at in public, and told are bad or stupid decisions.

Here's the thing though.  The choices I make about my appearance are the kind of thing that is damn near impossible to actually get me down on.  Because those things make me who I am.  They make me feel like me, and I can't be brought down for that.  My goal isn't to just follow fashion, or dress in a way that makes my dysmorphia scream just to shut other people up.

Fighting my dysmorphia means doing things that make me feel like I'm in my skin rather than someone else's.  It means having a body that feels and looks like mine.  My tattoos, and my piercings help me feel like my body is me, and the way I dress helps too.

I think the biggest thing I've ever had to learn over time is that I am me, and I need to embrace that.  Anyone who wants me to be someone else isn't worth my time.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Little but Fierce

The day after I arrived in the frozen north, Lux and I went grocery shopping for the week.  He was happy not to have to cook for a week, and I enjoy grocery shopping, and cooking.

As we were checking out, Lux found a cashier that he normally flirts with the entire time.  As he's trying to casually flirt in the same way that he usually would, and I very clearly have no problem with it, being polite, and bagging things up so they can talk, she suddenly gets very quiet, and even moreso as I respond to Lux.

We walked out, and went to load up the truck, and I pointed out something to Lux that I've been meaning to write about anyway.

Most women are incredibly intimidated by me.

More often than not, women treat me like shit because they don't know how to act around me.  I mesh very well with more masculine people, put off a very masculine energy, and generally don't give a fuck what people think of me so long as they are respectful.  Women in general seem to not know what to do with that.  It's caused a lot of women to either treat me like shit if they're also interested in my partner, or be incredibly distant, which honestly isn't going to help them, so I don't know why they do it.

I've apparently been the source of a few break ups in my time, because I became the friend of a guy, and we would hang out, and be nerds, and I'd become a bro in a totally platonic way.  Because they were either insecure, or just didn't believe a female bodied person could be friends with a guy without it becoming anything more, it would create explosions, and destroy the relationship.

I think it's weird, and sometimes, it's funny.  Women who are dishonest, or manipulative, or have any of a plethora of negative traits can be friends with each other, but because they are more feminine or avoid men as friends because they feel like you can only speak to someone of a gender you're attracted to if you want to have sex with them.

People can deal with the fact that I am strong, and that I can be a force of nature.  But honestly, dealing with that just means treating me like I am a person, with simple respect and decency.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Unseasonably Warm

For being in the frozen north, it feels really close to summer time.  I decided to spend some of the afternoons on the balcony, because it's nicer out, and it almost feels uncomfortably warm.

Oh well, I'll take being outside again.

It's been a good couple days as of writing this.  Lots of snuggles, and talking about stuff going on currently and planning ahead.  We've made jokes about how we usually get nothing done together when we have so much time, constantly using the excuse that we have enough chance to get to it, and simply never do.  That we opt to simply snuggle up, and do the little cute things together, but when we only have a weekend, we rush for everything.  I find it really funny how long this has simply happened for us.

It's been nice just relaxing though.  It's noticeable how much we enjoy the little things we do, and how they make us happy even if we are poking at each other.

Also, I think people are confused when they see or hear us being ourselves together.  Lux was playing video games with his friends, and had things set up to I could talk with them too, and at one point I did something to cause him to start punching me as I giggled on the couch. It wasn't any sort of anything special because people were listening, but just how we interact.  Luckily, his friends are also kink friendly, or it probably would have caused some questions.

So far, it's been a very happy visit.

Sunday, April 09, 2017

Very Separate Categories

I've had very similar conversations a few times in the last week, and once even in regards to this current trip to see Lux.  It has to do with bratty behavior, and where the lines lie between healthy, being an asshole, and manipulation.

This is one of those things where I think being a switch gives me a bit of an advantage in knowing where those lines are, but I also try to be as respectful of people as possible, and keep track of their personal lines.

I have no problem saying that I'm a brat when it comes down to it.  I sass people, cause trouble, make mischief, and press buttons.  I however, see when someone is legitimately busy with something, and know when they don't have the personal bandwidth to deal with me poking.  Adapting to situations, and respecting requests and being aware is part of being a decent partner, friend, and person.

It's easy to hit the point of being an asshole, or down right manipulating someone and trying to pass it off as playful bratting.  Feeling justified in pulling someone from what they want to do, or need to do isn't fun.  Continuing beyond the point of playful poking to where someone legitimately gets angry doesn't mean they can't handle having a brat, it means the other person doesn't respect lines.  For me, it effectively becomes similar to a consent violation in many cases.

Likewise, using bratty behavior to replace communication isn't a healthy action.  Being able to speak and share needs as well as be able to have the fun giving sass creates a healthy and trustful dynamic between any people.

It comes down to being receptive.  Be aware of the people you're with, and share words as necessary, know the state of the people you're poking, and the places and times not to poke.

Being a brat is an exercise in awareness.

Thursday, April 06, 2017

Necessary Adventure

Tomorrow, the wee beastie goes off with the gnome over her spring break from school.  That means over a week when I don't need to be home to watch over her.  

Which means that the next morning, I start a long trek of trains to head north and spend time with Lux, which I'm looking forward to more than I can say.  

It's been a long time since I've been up there.  Almost a year honestly, and I miss getting to have time just with him up north.  We also haven't had much chance to spend any sort of extended amount of time together in far too long.  

We've both hit the point where that distance has created that purely imaginary paranoia.  I recognized it a while ago, and I think getting to spend some serious time together will help.  Getting to relax, and enjoy time, and not try to cram a couple of hours with each other will definitely do us both good.

We managed to go a long time with this distance, and the last year has really been a test with far less time together, and far more things happening.  This week should be a good thing.

Sunday, April 02, 2017

Made for it

Quite a while ago, Lux and I were talking about some of the effects of his being hurt by past partners.  How it affected us, and our dynamic.

And while yes, that hurt did cause our dynamic to change a lot, as well as take some steps back in several ways, Lux is the kind of person who thrives when he has multiple partners.  I've noticed a few times that when he has a pool of active partners, he tends to be more affectionate and connected and move further with all of them.  When it's just us, he's present and attentive, and I don't feel ignored in any way, but there is massive change when he has another partner there.

It's amazing in some ways.  To see how someone thrives as a partner, just by having someone else there.  And I know I'm not lacking in any way that I don't bring that out in him, but simply that he is wired in a way where he best fits into a open poly situation.

I'd need to ask Lux to be certain, but I feel as though it doesn't matter how many partners I have, and that so long as I have presence from whatever the number is, I tend to be very connected and caring to whoever is there.  I also don't necessarily feel drawn toward any particular thing.  I'm happy just having supportive people.

It's interesting, just seeing how one dynamic can cause another one to flourish.  It's a constant balance and there is always risk, but the reward is there, and that's the part to be grateful for.