Sunday, May 28, 2017

Processing Problems

Sometimes, I'm reminded that I've learned a lot of things the hard way.  That with the amount of emotional or physical abuse I've dealt with, I do have a lot of typical traits that occur, but I've also picked up a lot of good from it.  I take the time to heal, and look at it all, and realize what is and isn't healthy or acceptable.

Recently, I've realized a few things.

That whole learning process is a very rare thing.

Without dealing with all that shit in the past, I didn't have those poor examples to look at, a lot of people I know just avoid confrontation and full healthy interaction.  They grow complacent, and figure that things don't need real work, or know how to speak of their own needs, because they've never really examined them.  I wouldn't have the mental pressure on myself to be a decent and present partner.

And likewise, after dealing with everything, and then taking the time to examine, I learned exactly what is toxic behaviors.  What really was and wasn't my fault, and what not to ever stand for.  I learned to fight back for my own needs and respect, to continue communicating, and that confrontation isn't a bad thing when done in a healthy manner, and without any malicious intent.

What I'm seeing so much lately though, is people afraid to talk.  Afraid that things from the past will happen again, despite having a different partner.  I see people who don't have that constant internal pressure to take care of everyone after not being cared for themselves.  There are people in my life right now who have such conflicting relationships, and I hear it from both sides, but yet they swear that everything is solid and stable and healthy, when really, they're just both afraid to be alone.

While I don't wish for what I've dealt with to happen to people, it has been advantageous to me since then, but only because I spent the time to learn from it.

Learn from everything.  Dig deep.  Grow constantly, and it'll make things better as time goes on.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Acknowledging Absence

I realized the other day that with the exception of little bits of dopey giggles, it's been months since I've had any sort of kink in my life.  That I grew complacent with it being absent from my life, and while I felt the occasional twinge for it, I found myself blaming my poor mental space for it, and dismissed it.

What I didn't do, was acknowledge how much kink helps me in the day to day.  How much it does give me peace of mind, and makes me function better in the day to day.  Kink and play boosts my mood, and all those wonderful bonding chemicals in my brain.

Unfortunately, my mental state is such that Fusion isn't an option for me.  I can't do any event that large essentially by myself, because for the most part, I will be.  That would have been a good opportunity for me to have play time, but there is too much else that it wouldn't do me much positive in the scheme of things.

I'm going to make it a point to start forcing myself to do more with my time though, and things that I enjoy, and that will do me good.  Part of that, is filling more of my life with kink and play to help myself, and hopefully whoever I spend the time with, to feel better.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Something to try and Shake

I know I said I was going to try and post less negative stuff this year, but holy hell, life saw that post and has been doing everything it can against that.

I've been consistently in one of the shittiest mindspaces I've ever been in.  Things at home consistently get worse, I've been stood up or dropped more times than I can count, and had more things be cancelled, pulled from me, or simply made no longer an option.

I'm feeling alone.  Alone and in constantly growing pile of shit that pulls me further and further from hope and happiness.  I absolutely notice a pile of key symptoms of depression in me, and they're all here and screaming.

A lot of things need to change even with so much stacked against me.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Can be Unspecific

Lately, Zero has been coming to me a lot with issues about poly stuff.

Mind you, he still hasn't actually been in a poly dynamic, but is striving for it.

And, I'm finding that he's becoming more reclusive, and at the same time just hunting for a third.  Like, giving people job requirements when meeting them of "This is the only role I'm looking for to have someone fill in my life right now"

And I looked at everything he was saying, and the issues he's having, and confronted him about them.

He wants a local support network.  People close by that he can confide in, and spend time with.  Well, I might think he needs to get rid of his current partner, because that relationship is toxic, and the things he says he wants he refuses to give to his current partner because he doesn't feel happy around her, but maybe meeting more people will help with that.

I told him though, that he doesn't need a romantic partner to create a support network.  Someone can be present and supportive regardless of the role in their life without being a partner, just like some partners only want a surface connection as a secondary relationship.  It is determined by the things that build over time, and the kind of people you bring in, and what everyone wants in life.

I told him to look just for connections and supportive people.  That stopping to desperately look for someone to fill one single box, will make more people willing to put time in with him.

And guess what, he found one.  Someone who might not be comfortable with poly, but wants to be involved, and show support, and give him time.

Of course, he comes to me again because his girlfriend is already feeling jealous and like things are one sided.

Well, he'll either figure out that he wants one healthy relationship elsewhere, or they'll put real work in to fix all of it, and realize how fucked what he has is.

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Yet Another

It's Mother's Day again.  And I have to say, that since becoming a mom, I've had this day go from being absolute shit, to apathy over it, and now like all other holidays, feeling ignored.

It's a day when I have no voice, and am actively disregarded for no reason.  A day when I've been the target of abuse when others have fucked up.  

A day when I'm told I should be acknowledged, but then told that other people who are toxic as meant to be celebrated, and given whatever they want.

And so, it's become a day that I've come to actively hate.  A day where it just reinforces that everyone here looks at me like I'm not a person.  And I'm tired of it.

Because I am a person.  And I'm a mom because I was forced to be, and a damned caring one, that fights tooth and nail to teach and raise my daughter right.  I am worth celebrating, and I'm glad at least my kid knows that.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Maybe some men sometimes?

On Sunday morning, I was the first one out of bed.  I shambled my way down the stairs, and started the coffee.  As I sat down, with my warm mug of happy comfort, I took a few sips, and my mom shambled down as well, looked at me, and asked if I wanted to go to the flea market in search of produce.

The year round farmers market we would normal hit up is currently closed, so it's been hard to find decent produce, but the weekend prior we went to a further flea market, and found so much we stopped when we literally couldn't carry any more.

We went to one closer, which I've known had turned into a shit pile, but she insisted anyway.  As we walked from the parking lot, to find the fruits and veggies we hunted for, I found myself being the target of near constant comments.  People in near consistence either saying that I deserve an award for looking so much like a freak, about how fucked up my clothing was, or at the same time making passes in incredibly disrespectful ways.

My mother, being oblivious, didn't hear a single one, and to avoid her dealing with walking away and getting lost while I proceeded to punch every single one of them in the jaw, continued walking.
Then we went to a different market, and found a ton of stuff, and I have been munching on fruit since.  Hooray!

However, I noticed that every single person who was making those comments toward me were middle aged white men sitting by themselves.  Every single one.

And it just reinforces about most of the shit I've dealt with.

Mind you, I'm not a man hating feminist.  Most of my friends are now, and have always been guys.  I have a wonderful collection of respectful and fantastic men in my life, and I know I will find more throughout time.

It seems like there is just this generation or so of guys, that just feel entitled to be assholes.  From my dad and uncle, to people I find in the street, to people I talk to at events, and all others.  But it seems like some age bracket just feels like they can treat someone with less respect just because they don't have the same genitals, or dress the same way.

And I know, there are outliers in everything, but holy hell, does it feel like the percentage goes up with age.

I look forward to treating people with more respect as further generations come about, and the assholes become less and less acceptable.

Sunday, May 07, 2017

Ready to Stick

I've been trying to actually do more to pursue getting into better shape.  Of course, it's all hard to actually do here, as I fight for healthy foods, and then see only meat and potatoes in my fridge.  I'm trying to make the most of the little things in the house, and create small adjustments to eat better, and feel better.

It's much harder to do this time around, than when I lost all the weight after Squishy.  I've cut out most sugars comparatively, and don't drink many calories, as well as limit processed foods to a minimum.  What worked the first time still exists, so the only place to really go from here isn't much of an option in my current situation.

And there isn't much advice out there for people in my situation.  Apparently the average person lives off fast food, never exercises, and chugs soda and frilly coffee drinks.  Obviously making changes from that will cause massive differences.  There isn't much out there for people who already have longstanding healthier habits formed, but just want the next step past there.

However, I'm trying, and it's sort of working.  I'm putting on more muscle, and my posture is improving again, as well as losing bits of mass overall.

Still not feeling like me, but I'll get there.

Thursday, May 04, 2017

By my Lonesome

Lux and I were having a conversation in a diner about a handful of things while I was up there, prior to some grocery shopping that needed to get done.  It was a few really important things we needed to go over, on several topics, and then apparently I reminded him of something that he often forgets about.

When we go out places, I'm usually with someone.  I very rarely walk anywhere at night by myself, even though Lux encourages me to go out by myself if he decides to stay in when we go out to something on the larger side.

He forgets though, that as someone small, and female bodied, who is pretty blatantly sex positive, and while I intimidate women, a lot of men who don't shy away from me tend to look at me like an easy target.  In fact, there have been very few venues I've gone to where at some point someone didn't try to go further than I was comfortable.

And Lux knows that I'm not an easy target, because I'm going to keep anything I don't want happening from taking place.  I'm almost always armed, and they don't know that I've got more fight in me than the vast majority of people.  Hell, he's seen me handle things before.

But that's the thing.  I don't want to have to handle things everywhere I go.  I don't want to have to deal with being a target.  I deal with it too much already, and practically go through the motions of getting rid of someone when they try to corner me against something.

And if just having someone else there fixes that, even if I'm the one that is actually more of a threat, then that's what I'll do to just avoid the situation.