Oddly Awkward

I've mentioned previously that Lux and I had started accepting the accidental dynamic that fell into place between us.  It's only been a step at a time, and carefully at that, knowing that he is still off kilter from his last relationship, and all the shit I dealt with while with Thrax.  We've had no real problems thus far, making sure to take care of each other along the way, and maintaining a good balance.

In person, it's smooth.  Like a well oiled machine, it just works.  Lux is often the one to feel off at points, and with plenty of snuggles and reassurance, we're both back to a happy exchange.

When we're apart (which has been more often than not lately) we text through the day, and occasionally, the exchange becomes more apparent between us.  He refers to me as his slave (and that possessiveness honestly makes me just want to snuggle in with him and squee) and I call him master in response, because he does make me feel all safe and content.  I feel at peace handing myself over, rather than nervous, which is fantastic, but off subject.

So, writing it all out, it's what I feel at that moment, and it's all happy and crap.  Then after a moment or so, I read over it all and see that word, and it shakes me.

For so long, I called Thrax "master".  And in the beginning, he did what I needed, and was there, and helped me.  That quickly died though, and the feeling of the word changed to something that meant disappointment.  It showed emptiness, manipulation, and disregard for myself and my limits.  I read it now, and sometimes it makes me think of everything then.

And then I need to remind myself that I'm not saying it to him anymore.  I'm saying it to someone who wants to see me grow, and is there to help me, and never stops earning that respect and exchange.  It'll get to the point where I can shake that off, but I need to take the steps to get it there.

On a giggly side note, a couple moments with the beast!
Last time I went up to see Lux, the beast and I took a shower together on the day we were going to head up, so that I could scrub her something fierce (she doesn't get the scrubbing I give her when she spends a weekend with her father) and I could wash off all the sweat of a busy day before heading out.  I undress in the bedroom, and the beast stands up, points at my junk and looks in shock.
"Mama!  Get that thing out of your butt!"
Mind you, she's standing in front of me. And pointing at my hood ring.
"Babygirl, that's not my butt.  That's my girlparts."
"But there's a thing in it!  Get that thing out of your butt!"
"That's not my butt.  And that's supposed to stay there."
"...What?"
"Someone put it there.  It's supposed to stay there."
"Oh, Ok."
Yup.  That's all the information she needs about body modification.  And that is awesome.
Also, all day on Thanksgiving, we called to each other with turkey noises.  While getting stuff from the basement fridge, or even if we were on different floors of the house, I would make a turkey noise, and she would respond with her odd attempt.  It didn't stop being fun for the entire day.