A Bit More Specific

When it comes to normal play, especially of a nonsexual sort, I lean incredibly heavily toward the top side of things.  I want to be the one to illicit the screams of another, and have fun tearing someone up.

When it comes to sex though, at the very least in my past, I've fallen into more of the role of a bottom with partners, and it's something I questioned for a long time.  I've found that I'm much more of a sadomasochist when it comes to sex.  I equate force with desire, and direct physical force most specifically.  It's definitely where my primal orientation kicks in. 

When I've been with submissive men, and we're fooling around, they'll ask me what I want them to do, and it's seriously the biggest turn off ever.  I'll take control and speak up if I want something specific, but otherwise, I just want to work on instinct.  If someone feels the need to ask what to do, or feels like they need to be gentle, it reads to me that they don't want me, or don't actually want to touch me.  At least that's how it's always been for me.  If I have to ask someone what to do, it's because I don't know what to do with them, because I don't feel enough attraction to want to just enjoy them.  I should want to constantly be all over my partner, and even if I have to scale the amount of force I use to their preference, I should want to grab and pull and press and show real desire for them.

It also appears in my preferences for pain.  I usually don't enjoy things like rubber bands, painful bondage, tacks, or the like.  It's just a tool on a person.  There might not even be another person there for it to be done.  I much more greatly prefer body play, or impact.  Something that needs the physical force of a partner is much more attractive to me.

It's difficult to find people I mesh well with because of this.  Thrax never wanted me to touch him, and I'm still shaking myself of that sometimes.  Most domly people I notice think they need to completely chain me down in order to feel like they have control of me (which we know how I feel about that, and I can usually escape it).  And most submissive males think they need to be all weak and soft and just follow orders.  Finding someone who is somewhere inbetween, but doesn't actively switch isn't the easiest thing (also yet another reason on the pile of why I am perfectly content just fucking Lux), but I do appreciate the fuck out of those people when I find them.