A New Devious Chapter

It's been about a month since taking out my nipple jewelry, and since also having a trip to see Lux, I figured it's a good time to mark the progress on them. I still miss them.  It's weird not seeing them, or having them.  At times, I find that I feel sad not having them still.  Even now, in the evening, I notice myself caught in the muscle memory of going to clean them. However, I haven't had the slightest bit of pain since the day I removed them.  Only while up with Lux, which was also when I happened to be in the middle of my cycle, and meant a hormonal flux, did I see a tiny bit of lymph.  Lux even took advantage of many chances to go after my chest in ways he has never really been able to, remembering to ask how they were doing afterward, and I had no problems. They still don't go flat though, which is upsetting, but it looks like if I were to put a taper through, I wouldn't have any problem.  I suppose they still have more healing to go through ...

While spending the week with Lux, I felt a massive recharge in a ton of ways.  Being social helped, and away from the house, and getting to touch on a bunch of projects, as well as helping Lux out around the apartment and all. But, the biggest of all was just little gestures from other people.  And it didn't really matter who.  Just little unprompted things outside of the routine.   While at Shelter, Blue would occasionally give me hugs when he walked past, and even though I was a bit worn down from the day, and awkward as hell from not knowing many people, it made me feel a lot better than I was able to express. Then going back north, and over the course of the week, Lux was significantly more affectionate than normal, and even the smallest things made me feel better for a day or afterward. It goes to show how little I actually need at this point to feel affirmed, and that I've apparently been starved for affection with everything happening lately. ...

Last weekend was long, and certainly a roller coaster overall. It started with me having to pull a knife on a guy who tried to get handsy with me on the train, and having to rely on Lux knowing what I would do in a shitty situation in order for us to meet up. We then found out we were running late, and had to bust ass upon meeting Blue, heading over the the Bomb Shelter venue to set up the rigs and lights and all.  On the bright side, I now know how to put together all of Blue's suspension rigs, which means I can help with more in the future. Lux was part of a rope performance, and everyone who wasn't actively in a scene made sure to watch.  He wound up with some rope burn, but looked fantastic the entire time, and I got to enjoy how good his butt looks when he is in an inversion. I had asked Blue near the end of the night if he wanted to put me up, asking if he was up for stupid time, which is the sort of special way we refer to rope.  He still had one more scene...

Last night, Lux and I got to go to a play party with some of our friends. And, it means getting to play again, for both of us.  He wants to pursue more play partners finally, playing with me again, and in general. With the long break from it, I've noticed my mind distancing itself from it, which only tells me that I need it more. I've been trying to balance out and reset and take care of myself in so many ways.  I need play lately, both for the fun time with people, and the chance to just clear my head of everything and start at a level ground, using the endorphins to sit in a better space. I need to remember how good regular play is for me. That paying attention to the play I want helps me immensely. And, seeing that Lux wants to pursue it as well is fantastic.  It shows he's trying to get back to a more comfortable him, and means he'll hopefully be in a better space soon, and that we'll maybe make progress back to where we were as well. We both need to...

I very nearly had to walk in and give my father a reality check the other day. I was sitting in the living room reading, and heard him getting louder, of course needing to show my mom everything he scrolled through on social media, and talk about how everyone is stupid and wrong.  This time he was showing her a picture of a girl with tattoos. He says "You have all these beautiful girls, and they force you to try and see past these tattoos.  They're just a fad right now, and people don't understand that when they get older, it won't be a fad anymore, and then they'll just be ugly." My mother responds with "They don't know it isn't attractive.  I see all these people come in with things that get pierced, and then they get infected and they wind up with issues from it." And oh, did I want to walk in there.  To storm in like a fucking hurricane.  To explain that these girls are beautiful.  Full fucking stop.  They are beautiful because th...

I've been having more projects to manage lately.  Things to do and make and manage and get through.  It's helping my mental state a lot. Working out has been difficult this summer, but with school starting soon, and a trip to see Lux, it should be a good time to really reset things and start with more preferred habits. It's amazing, how just the act of having a physical project and something to make can help me feel better.  Even something as massive as what I'm currently making, which happens to kill my hands in the process. I'm packing up a few things to work on and play with during my trip, and I'm feeling myself be a bit more inspired and motivated.  I'm still feeling very drained due to lack of social stimulation (again, not for lack of trying) but not finding myself overthinking and going into depressive spirals regularly like I was.  I feel like I can be around people, and want to be going and doing things for the act of recharging. And hopefu...

I'm the kind of person who believes that I should always be able to look back at who I was at any point in my life, and think I was an idiot compared to what I know in the present.  Not to say that I'm a genius now, but that I have learned so much, and become even more myself over time. And lately, I've been thinking about how my surroundings have affected that, in many good ways. I've noticed that I have the broadest span of people out of my family.  I know people all over, and touch on many different circles and hobbies and groups. My siblings tend to think a lot like my parents.  They have a lot of the same abusive tendencies, and gaslight, and have no idea what healthy relationships are.  They also have a lot of very racist and bigoted habits and views. And, I know I started there at one point.  I can think of a lot of points in time when I held views similar to them just because I wasn't taught that anything could be otherwise.  I've had to lea...

While Lux and I aren't at Pennsic this year, and I'm still not able to make it to Summer Camp this month, I still seem to be just as busy. The biggest thing is that my brother is moving back from North Carolina.  He and his abusive girlfriend had been looking for a house up here for a while, and they found one about a month ago, and a couple weeks later, they got an offer on the one down south.  Things went from a crawl, to planning a move in a month and a half, and they'll be officially back up here at the end of the month.  I saw the property earlier this week, and it's exactly what he has wanted since he was a kid.  Tons of land to turn into an offroad track, far off the street so he can't be bothered, a barn to turn into a shop, as well as a full basement.  He's even already planning on taking Squishy for overnights.  I think he'll be happy up here once he gets settled in to house a bit more. Later this month I'm headed up to Lux's for a week...

When I was sixteen, I remember sitting at the computer, and deciding that at some point, I wanted a body piercing.  Because it was me, I then went about researching different piercings to see exactly what I wanted done.  Most of the piercings out there looked at the time rather unappealing to me, but I really enjoyed the way pierced nipples looked.  I loved them, and decided that I would at some point have it done. Well, then I was dating the gnome, who, along with any other form of self expression I wanted, tried to fight against me ever having the piercing done. Then, on April 21st of 2011, I decided to go and have them done.  It was a gift to myself for finally getting rid of the gnome, and gaining new independence and sense of self. I unfortunately had also already started playing with Thrax. Well, he decided that these piercings were something that he didn't need to care about.  He pressured me to stretch them faster than they should be, and if I we...