While I'm keeping myself busy to try and help, to questionable success, I'm trying to stay mindful of the things I'm wanting.
Honestly, I'm barely wanting sex and play lately, which means I likely need them both that much more.
Instead, I'm just wanting time with people. Time away from this hole of stress, abuse, and negativity. Time to do little things with people I care about and just feel that positive connection with them. Even just walking through a park, or sitting in a coffee house on a couch together. Little actions that help me find some balance between the things slowly digging further and further into my brain, which already makes me worry if I'll be able to find myself again this time.
Those small bits of presence with people give me so much improvement. So much clarity that I can keep going longer.
And it sucks that I need that, because I hate needing anyone for anything. I hate asking for things, and I hate saying that I need someone at any time.
But, fuck, being an extrovert makes that an impossible thing sometimes, and especially so when the only people you see for weeks on end show you nothing but total abuse.
Honestly, I'm barely wanting sex and play lately, which means I likely need them both that much more.
Instead, I'm just wanting time with people. Time away from this hole of stress, abuse, and negativity. Time to do little things with people I care about and just feel that positive connection with them. Even just walking through a park, or sitting in a coffee house on a couch together. Little actions that help me find some balance between the things slowly digging further and further into my brain, which already makes me worry if I'll be able to find myself again this time.
Those small bits of presence with people give me so much improvement. So much clarity that I can keep going longer.
And it sucks that I need that, because I hate needing anyone for anything. I hate asking for things, and I hate saying that I need someone at any time.
But, fuck, being an extrovert makes that an impossible thing sometimes, and especially so when the only people you see for weeks on end show you nothing but total abuse.
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