I found myself missing people the other day. Missing Felix, and Frankie, people who left, and people who tore themselves away. I miss the connections we had, whether the ones we'd built, or the ones we intended to.
And perhaps it's the time of year. Next month marks seventeen years since Frankie passed away, and with all the shadowcasts of Rocky Horror happening for Halloween, I can't help but think of Felix, after he spent the majority of his life doing it.
It makes me a little sad, especially after spending a weekend with Puppy after so long. If he and I could get back to the friendship we had in twenty four hours, but with far more maturity and knowledge that we'd gained during the years apart, it makes me wonder what I would have with any of them. If it was for the best that they're gone, or we drifted apart, or if either of us just needed to grow a little more.
Interestingly enough, I am well enough adjusted with this to not miss people like the gnome or Thrax at all. The people I know haven't learned, or who hurt me beyond where I could have time with them in a healthy way. There's none of that longing for past time, because honestly, there is no healthy past with them.
Perhaps it's the intimacy of connection at all. Reminders of people, but those I had already felt safe with, and reaching the sort of friendships again that I'd had before dealing with all the abuse and toxicity and everything else that fucked over my brain that keeps me from being able to feel that comfortable with other people who are just friends.
It could be a hundred things, but the point is that I miss them, and I wish I could see a few of them again.
Comments
Post a Comment