Hit With a Bat

 I wasn't back for long, and the state that I was in before rushing off to Rabbit's came right back.  Just after getting home was my sister's birthday, and I had to do everything for it, because no one else knew how.  While I was in the middle of putting that together, I let Oliver out, and he got some baby birds, so while cooking, the old man was yelling at me for not being outside with him.  As though I could do both.  That day didn't get much easier, but in the following days, things got worse.  

My parents were treating me like I had to be constantly doing six things for them at all times, without any real break.  At the same time, I was trying to get Squishy through the end of summer, and the first days of school, and try to keep up with all my stores and channels.  To top it off, Rabbit has things going on at home that I was helping maintain, but I wasn't able to completely solve them, and now he's unable to keep up with the maintenance while dealing with his injury.

Part of these things has him torn apart, and barely functioning.  It's hard seeing him in that state and knowing there isn't anything I can do to help.  He's been trying to reassure me about how much I was doing when I was there, but because I didn't remove the problems, it still feels like I failed.  Seeing how he is having trouble getting through any part of his day, and I didn't get to remove this pain, makes me feel worse as well, and guilty about it in a way.

I had a moment the other day where while I know that my parents rely on me for keeping the house running, and that they don't see it in the slightest, I thought about how much will disappear when Squishy and I are living with Rabbit, and not there to juggle everything.  Holidays will be gone except for Easter and Christmas, and I don't know what they'll even look like with my parents and how strict their diet needs to be with their health.  They won't be able to carry up the dozens of bins for every holiday, that are currently breaking from the weight of all of them stacked up on top of each other.  The treats and goodies people expect all the time won't be here.  My mom won't be able to host lunches anymore, and no one will be there to help the old man do the only things he actually does for the house which is some yard work that I wind up wasting weeks on seasonally mostly waiting on him.

A lot of things will disappear, and I know they'll figure out a way to blame it on me.  The other day I forgot to do one thing after being nonstop helping them through everything, and I heard my mom outside the room saying how worthless I was for not doing one thing out of probably a hundred, without exaggeration.  I started having a panic response waiting for the shower to heat up, because I knew I would be treated especially horrible the next day.  

I've been losing sleep due to anxiety and panic dreams.  I spend chunks of my day in tears, and feeling overwhelmed.  

It was only recently that I realized that it hits so much more here, and so suddenly, because I actually do come down from being in survival mode while I'm gone, and then go right back as soon as I'm home.  It's such a stark change, and tells me that I'm making the right decision in the long run.