Sunday, June 29, 2014

Kicking Creepers

I recently had a friend who is also an ex-coworker join Fetlife who I will call L0v.  She found me after a few days, and I've been giving her a hand about things with it.

Before she found me though, a dom on there apparently found her.  I thought it was someone she knew when I friended her.  I checked his profile, and it simply said to contact him, was full of dick pics, and every single one of his friends was younger submissive females.

Needless to say, he gave off the creeper vibe.

So, I begin talking with L0v, and she mentions being close to being in a full on D/s relationship, and mentions that it's with this guy.  Who she has known less than a week.  And she has no real knowledge of the scene.

Cue my over-protective motherly instinct!

I immediately let her know that I felt something was wrong with this, and start informing her that just because she is now a part of the kinky side of the world, it doesn't mean she needs to treat new people differently than she normally would.

Then she tells me he had already started trying power exchange, without knowing a thing about this girl.  I flipped, and told her all the things wrong with this.

I began to explain to her the following, which is how I treat people on the internet:

I don't even respond to the vast majority of messages I get on the internet.  Unless we either know mutual people, or the person saw me dance at a recent event, or the message sent was very obviously not copy-pasta, and proves that they read my profile and want to get to know me, I don't even consider replying.

From there, I respond in an entirely vanilla, and professional manner, with basic conversation that I would have with any person on the street.  I treat them like anyone else I would be first meeting at that time.  At the same time, I expect them to do the same.  We are building a friendship, and that occurs regardless of kinks and sex.

If they are incapable of doing this, and force things to become sexual, or start talking kink or pushing some power exchange, it immediately takes them off my list of people I will ever play with.  This however, doesn't include friendly flirting.  Some people are simply shameless flirts, and I understand this, and know it can be done without insisting heavily sexual conversation.

I try to keep contact like that for about a month or so before I'll consider meeting in person.  This way I have a feel for a person, what things we have in common, and where our friendship lies.  I prefer a first meeting to be in public, or with friends, conversation can then start to get into views on kinks, and seeing how interests mesh.

From there, it depends on the chemistry between myself and the other person.  I may decide to start playing with them right away, or want to see if we really do have the potential for the friendship I think we will.  Sometimes it then means the other person feels as though we are obligated to start having sex, and it gets rid of all the progress they had previously made.  Still others it means that we have potential for friendship, but a physical connection just isn't there.

I play with friends.  I fuck friends.  I don't make friends easily.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

To be One of Few

So, I'm pretty picky about who I fuck.  And by pretty picky, I mean far more than I think most people would comprehend considering how I live my life otherwise.

I find that as well as this, so many girls I talk to, have something else that I do not share with them.

So many of my female friends bareback with every boy they date.  Or any boy they fuck on the side, despite the fact that they may have just recently met, or have only known each other for a short amount of time.

Sometimes this is due to money, or allergies, or simply that the girl is easily talked out of the need for one.

All these excuses, I believe are bullshit.
That's right, complete utter bullshit.

Admittedly, I went through this phase.  The first guy I ever fucked, I barebacked with.  However, we trusted each other implicitly, he got tested yearly even while in a relationship (that was supposed to be monogamous... Oops?) and we honestly had no intention of fucking until we had been fooling around for so long, and things lined up, and he asked me if I was OK with what was happening.  I also actively had my period, and he stopped fucking me long before he was even close to cumming, because he was too nervous about being careful with me.

After that though, I was adamant.  Any boy would wrap up, because, well, I wasn't about to risk anything.

Now, I have an IUD, so birth control is no longer an issue, as it is one of the most reliable forms of fighting pregnancy (short of just getting fixed), but I still make the majority of those I fuck use a condom.  It is something that is non-negotiable, and when people have tried to argue in the past, I simply told them that fucking would not be happening then.  If they couldn't comply to a simple rule, they didn't respect me enough for me to bother fucking them.

Don't get me wrong, I prefer to bareback.  Being able to fuck without that layer of latex in the way, and just be two people, sharing time, and sensation is absolutely what I would love to have every time I fuck.  I adore feeling someone cum inside me, and not having to rush off to get rid of the condom, but stay buried inside me (I am not one of the girls that has to use the bathroom right away or risk UTI) and enjoy the snuggles and shakiness of having just fucked.

That gets shared for very few people though.  Someone who has been around for a while, or I am sure will be around for a long time.  They have to be close to me, to the point where I can't worry they won't share something with me, but we will be entirely honest about anything that happens.  I have to trust them explicitly, which doesn't happen often.

Even the gnome, who I was with for four years, had to wrap it from day one, until I kicked him out.  No, we didn't fuck while I was pregnant, because my sex drive had completely plummeted at that point, he was already treating me like shit, and I didn't even want human contact.

I get tested regularly, and so do the people I bareback with.  We are honest about partners, and they also are very selective about who they will go bare with.  I take as many precautions as I can, while still enjoying this physical connection that goes one step further than simply having sex.

Yes, I understand there is still a risk, and nothing is guaranteed, but if I take this risk with you, I know on the off chance anything did happen, we'd handle it maturely.

I joke with a few people that I bareback once sex with me would be considered an expense.  In some sense, this is true.  The people I have fucked the most, I wound up trusting the most.  They were closer friends, and stayed in my life a longer amount of time.  Funny how that works.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Unable to go Unseen

I've always had problems with my body.  I have a very odd build, and it caused me to hear nothing but ridicule, and negative things up until I'd had my daughter.

Yes, that's right, I never had a single positive word said about me until I was in my twenties.  Instead I was just brought down, and anyone I dated never said a word either way.

In my early teens, I dressed to hide my body.  Loose clothing, and usually men's clothes at that hid my figure.  I could cover myself up, and it was like a security blanket I wore with me at all times.  This however, brought on more comments, and didn't help much in the long run.

Then my hair disappeared, and holes appeared in my ears.  I started wearing suits every day.  While I was still completely covered, I no longer looked like a boy, and this quieted down the negative words.  My boyfriend at the time flipped out with me because I had pierced my ears.  No good words about me, just that he hated my piercings.  There is a reason he is an ex.

Time went on, more piercings in my ears occurred, I wore larger jewelry, and started dressing in more fishnet and tripp pants.  I was dressing to hide my image, and giving people something else to look at.  If they would critique the oddity of my image, it would at least be something I could take off at the end of the day.  At the same time, this felt comfortable for me.  I felt like it fit me better than what I was being told to wear.

Then I started to get tattooed.  Between that, my ears, my hair, and the rest of my image, I could no longer go anywhere without being stared at, and hearing comments.

I bring who I am to the surface of my person, and I hear negativity every single day.  From my family, to random people, I am put down for the way I look constantly.  I only started hearing completely positive words about my image from my friends after losing all the weight after having a child, and they were trying to fuck me.

The people that have honestly told me I was attractive, and weren't trying to fuck me I could probably count on one hand.

People wonder why I have body image issues.  It's because any time I start to accept my body, I hear all those voices, and see all the stares.  The parents shooing their kids away from me so they wouldn't be within ten feet of me.  Being put down because I didn't have big tits, or that I had such noticeable hips.  That I choose to have many piercings, or show off my tattoos.

I'd rather have silence than all the negative with as little positive as I hear.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Not so Sexy Things

Obviously, I enjoy a lot of sex.  I enjoy affection, and playtime as often as I can possibly get it.
There are other things though, that will make me much happier, and mean far more to me.  They are things I won't easily forget, and that work far better in any attempt to woo me than any sexual act.

  • Bringing me coffee, sitting and sharing a cup curled up, or out and just relaxing and talking.
  • Helping me bake, and encouraging mad science.  Then trying to decide whether or not to eat it all while it's still warm and gooey.
  • Letting me cook for you, because damnit, I make better food than we'd get eating out anyway.
  • Laying on each other reading books.  Just that quiet relaxation, and not feeling the need to entertain someone, but simply enjoying them being there.
  • Watch anime with me.  Either one of my favorites, or show me a new one.  Nerd base is hot.
  • Adventure with me.  Just wander around somewhere with me.  Let's get lost, and not worry about finding anything or anywhere, because we've got good company.
  • Let me make you things.  I love creating all matter of things, especially for others.
  • Apropos, make something for me.  I don't care how big or amazing or ornate it is, I love seeing what people think up that fits me, or makes them think of me.
While I want sex all the time, these make me far more emotionally content and fulfilled.  If I can share these things with you, it will make me care about you so much more, most especially if we get through it happily, and feel like we want it to happen again, or wish it could go on longer.

I enjoy simple things, and sharing those with me will be a greater affection, and show how you feel, or how I do so much more than any words or sex, or play ever could.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Storytime, or Why I Rarely Submit

So, I was one of those switches that started thinking I was only a sadist.  For the longest time, I just enjoyed hurting people who wanted it, seeing how much they could take, and experimenting on the reactions to different pains at different levels.  That was all I needed to be perfectly fulfilled.

Then I had a friend ask if I wanted to try mixing power exchange with it.  That he trusted me to be safe holding all the control of a situation.
And well, that was fun too!

All this, and it still wasn't sexual for me though.  Keep this in mind.

At this point, I was content in just being the toppy/dommy/sadist side of things.

Until, one day someone fought back.  Just for fun, they tore me up as I took them apart.
I realized then, pain was pretty fun on both sides!

One more thing I found I enjoyed.  Hooray!  This also made me acknowledge that I was in fact a switch in at least one aspect.

That friend that suggested I try being domly?  He then asked how I would feel about giving up control.  We had played for a good long while at this point, so I felt like I trusted him.  He had never given me reason not to.

And you know what?  I realized I liked all the things.  I was a switch all around, and celebrated how I found something I enjoyed to each side of things.

So I submitted to this person for a while, and found things worked well this way.  I didn't feel comfortable handing myself over to anyone else I met, even short term.  We had fallen into a good groove though, and slowly but surely, we decided we were happy with this dynamic.

Still not sexual by the way.

Eventually, we were cool being constant and consistent play partners, and he suggested actually putting me through training.

Alright, sounds good.  Just follow some basic respectful rules for me.
This is not sexy.
No one plays with us during training.

He agreed, and the first training session happened at his place.  I got chained up, hooded, and put on my knees in the corner.  He told me he had to grab something, and to stay, and he'd be right back.  I stay there, as this is a very normal thing, and he showed enough respect to tell me.  As I'm kneeling, I hear the door close when he walks out of the room, and then the front door open and close.

Maybe he was grabbing something from his car.
But I didn't hear it open again.

I'm there for about ten minutes, wondering what is happening.  No way him grabbing anything would take this long.

And then I heard it.
There was a girl in the other room, moaning away.

Commence the rage!
So I escaped the chains silently, in a methodical anger reserved only for when I am truly pissed.  Chains still wrapped around my wrists, I got dressed, and walked out to the living room.

I looked at the woman, and told her it would be best for her to leave.  She listened, seeing how enraged I was, and was out within a minute.  As she got dressed, I wrapped the chains around my fists, making note of the fear in his eyes as he scrambled to figure out something to say.

The door closed as she left.

I saw red.

He was left a mess, as I pounded into him as hard as I could in my anger.  When I was done, I told him never to speak to me again, collected my things, and called a friend to pick me up.  I waited about ten minutes on their front step, and never heard of him from then on.

This is why I rarely submit.  From the start, the first person I handed control to took advantage of it, and I've never really worked past it.  Sure, I find other people I'm comfortable submitting to, but in the long run, my track record has far more people that have been dicks when I submit than not.

To be honest, I'd love nothing more than to find a dynamic with someone to prove those wrong.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Not Part of the Club

So, as much as I post most frequently as having been a bottom, masochist, or submissive lately, I really am actually a dominant swaying switch.
Really.  I mean it.

With the bulk of people I meet, and would possibly play with, I find that I feel dominant toward them, or at the very least that I would never give up any control to them.

So, I dig seeing pictures of femdom stuff on the net.  Women asserting the power they have, knowing how strong they are, and seeing someone else kneel before them is something I can relate to, and enjoy seeing other women not just look like the weak maiden.

However, I notice most of the girl/girl stuff tends to be blatantly sexual, which I just have no interest in.  I am startlingly straight, and so same sex stuff just turns me off generally (unless I notice it's making friends happy, in which case it's just satisfying to see people I care about having a good time).  Girls can totally play without sex happening (I know, I do it somewhat often) but I notice there are a lack of pictures that float around the net that portray this.

I also find that especially when it comes to femdom stuff, it's all about strap-ons and CBT.  I have absolutely no interest in either.

At some point I will need to post here about how I got Thrax to stop wanting me to use a strap-on on another girl.  It's a rather funny story.

I've never seen how a cock is a source of power.  As far as I'm concerned, it's just another body part, and nothing more.  I have the power I give myself.  Whether I'm swinging pipe or not, it doesn't make me any more or less in control.

And really, watch a man jump with a hard on, and tell you feel like he's in control.  You'll be too busy giggling at how it bounces and flops.

As far as CBT, while I am totally a sadist, and I do enjoy things like forget-me-not type tokens on piercings and such, I just don't dig it.

If I come into contact with your cock, the last thing I want to do is cause it harm.  Chances are, I might ride it until it's raw, but I would never purposely hurt something that I wanted to have bring me pleasure later.
That's just silly.
I'd much rather fuck you so long you beg me to stop.  That's much more fun plan.
I think so anyway.

So, maybe I'm not part of the standard femdom club.

I like being different.

Sunday, June 08, 2014

Not Looking

I've been reading a lot of articles lately about people looking for the perfect mate.  That they stay single forever because they won't give anyone a chance, even if it means getting a fantastic friendship out of it.  They all seem to reinforce that people need to take the risk to put themselves out there, and try going out with someone to see if something can blossom from it.

There's something about this I don't like though.

It looks like, with how they are all written, to seem as though everyone should be looking for a relationship at all times.

And that, is bullshit.

I know too many people that feel the need to be in a relationship.  That they need someone else to validate their life, and the idea of being single scares them to death.

I know people who cling to the relationships they have, because they don't think they can do better, or could get anyone else, so they settle, and fear being single and having to find anyone else.

Now, I am coming up on a year of being single.  In the beginning because I needed to be, and now, simply because I don't feel the need for a relationship.  I am happy on my own, with the friendships and life I have.

And, online, when people see I am single, I get tons of messages saying I'm lying, that I couldn't possibly be single, because I could have any guy I wanted.
Well, maybe I don't want feel the need for one.

Sure, I'm technically back on the market.  I however, am not scoping out a mate, or looking at people with the intention of being attached.  I'm looking at them simply for who they are, and enjoying whatever chemistry and connection should happen from it.  Maybe at some point there will be someone to work up the nerve to ask me out proper, and if that happens, I'll deal with it however I feel necessary at the time.

For now though, my life is so much more than hunting after a significant other.  I'd much rather experience everything else, and just enjoy whoever hops along to walk next to me.

Thursday, June 05, 2014

Tired of Feminism

DISCLAIMER: Angry rant time.

Ready?  Here we go!

My facebook has been full today of people posting links to articles about misogyny, feminism, and rape culture.  I read them, because I want to see women fighting for what they believe in.

And then I just get pissed.

They fight generalized statements with ones of their own, and it's such complete bullshit that it makes me want to crack skulls until I knock sense into them.

I am a strong, determined, and intelligent woman.  I will fight to my end over something if I feel it is right, and won't back down from anyone.  If I'm ever told I can't do something, I will kill myself learning, just to prove them wrong.

I am not a feminist.
I will never claim to be.

All of the scenarios I read about of blanket statements of misogyny?  I know and have seen the examples that make some people claim them.  Nothing is just a figment of imagination, for any gender.  We've all been fucked up by our interactions with others, and it's our own job to just keep going on with our lives, and learn from them, trying to become a stronger, and wiser person in the process.  This is what happens when we risk going out into the world every day.

And yes, some people are just sexist dickwads.  They were probably raised that way, or they've had enough people try to treat them like a sugar daddy that this is how they now expect women to be.  Just don't associate with them.  Don't say men are like that as a whole, say he is like that as a person.

Some women do withhold sex from men just because they want to see what they can get from them.  These people are manipulative assholes, and it's the man's job to realize a set of tits is not worth killing yourself over if they just see your wallet, and get the fuck out of dodge.  She is one woman, and not the kind that is worth your time.

I don't believe in "Rape culture".  Creepers gonna creep, and rapists are gonna rape.  It doesn't matter what you wear, or say, or do, they will justify it to themselves to make it seem right.  It's up to us to notice the creeper vibe early, and know who to associate with, and who not to.  Most cases the victim knows the rapist.  Either they should have paid enough attention to realize this person would be disrespectful, or putting off a fake vibe, or known them well enough to see that they are capable of it.

As for women crying rape.  This happens.  I've seen it, and it's sent me into a blood rage (Cue Brujah frenzy).  I've been accused of it, but that was by my ex, and it was his way of trying to justify the rape to himself, so he could feel like his conscience was clear.  People can regret what they do, and start pointing fingers everywhere else to feel better.  It's something we're almost conditioned to do, laying the blame on an outside source, so we don't have to acknowledge our own faults.

We are all people, and we're all fucked up in our own unique way.  The point is not to see broad gender specific accusations, but see faults in others as we do ourselves, reflect upon them, and decide what to do with them as a person.

And all this, from a sociopath who sees people as lab rats.  If I can do it, anyone can.

Sunday, June 01, 2014

Dulling Over

Now that May is almost over, instead of just banking a ton of entries, I can give a real update.
So, my life this month.

  • Got to dance at Spring Caravan, and do a set with all the feels.
  • Finished crocheting a full size blanket, and it is warm and squishy and amazing.
  • Camped, and performed at West Windsor for the first time.
  • Saw a ton of friends.
  • Had sex with Lux.  A lot.
  • Had to compromise with Lux about where he can hit me when I have a performance, so I can cover it up.
  • Did a lot of drawing.
  • Enrolled at Hogwarts.  No, seriously.  I'm doing homework for seven classes.
  • Talked myself out of taking a lot of nudes, because while my dysmorphia is quieter, it's not gone.
  • Helped my folks get ready for their trip out to Chicago.
  • Got a fix of new Dresden Files.
  • Played with chain mail, and learned new weaves.
  • Pouted at Lux, because I wanted more sex.
  • Got pissed off at the gnome.
  • Officially stopped thinking about Thrax most days.  When I do, it's mostly that I feel obligated to check in with him.
  • Remembered that baking with caffeine is like magic.
  • Wanted to adventure.
  • Watched my mom almost kill my sister
It's been a busy month, but a good one.  June will start with just time to myself and the beast, which I'm looking forward to. Then a weekend with Lux, while the beast is up north, and we'll have time to ourselves to snuggle outside, and he can get away from all the stuff for a while.  Which by getting away from, I mean him doing homework at my place, and not in front of his computer at home.  It should be good.

And hopefully at the end of the month, Celtic Fling will happen and I'll get to see Albannach, and oogle men in kilts all day.  

It's good to be busy and happy and surrounded by good people.