Sunday, November 27, 2016


I've been thinking lately, about how I space, and how the vast majority of the time, I don't get there.  Thinking about how even though I can space from singular aspects, it rarely happens, and why.

I have to be able to actually relax in order to space.  However, through my early teens, and even into my present, I'm frequently told that even though I'm funny, and fun, and helpful, I'm wound tightly, and generally very tense.  People used to tell me all the time to relax until I learned to just cover it up with actions.

And, that comes through in play.  I need to be at a point where I know I won't have to do damage control or keep a heavy eye on things in the moment.  I can, and will always do what is necessary after the fact, because that has no impact on me during. Especially when it comes to pain though, I have to monitor what is going on so closely due to my pain tolerance.  I have to know what the difference is between pain that feels good, pain that needs to be watched over, and damage, to which the lines between those aren't that wide.

I generally burn through the endorphins my body releases during a beating in order to focus on the pain, and keep better tabs over myself.  Usually, it takes so long that most of my body is overstimulated, and at that point the top can use less force that I can finally relax, knowing damage is much less likely to happen, and I can start just riding out everything.

It's like that with everything.  I'm trying to focus on myself, and my partner, and take care of everything, and enjoy what's going on, and it's often hard for me to just relax.

Maybe, at some point soon, I need time with one of my partners where we both get to the point where we just let go with each other, and spend the time playing until we both are giggly with endorphins.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Annual Obligatory Post

So, stuff I'm thankful for and junk. This year has been weird, and I'm not in the best mental place when I'm writing this, so this one might be a little weird.

I am thankful for getting to learn new things about me.  That while I don't get subdrop, I do get poly drop.  That I will always find ways the abuse of my past will creep in, and that I can get past it all.  That I am far better at communicating than a lot of my friends, and that I truly won't stand for any of the shit I've dealt with in the past.

I am thankful for having safe people to do new things with!  And then to find my space in those things, and discover what I enjoy about them.  I am thankful for my love of a challenge, and always wondering just how far I can push myself.

I am thankful for getting to learn how poly works for me, and having two absolutely wonderful and patient partners, who I can't imagine having ones that I care for more.  Who are supportive, and fun, and no matter how weird they might be, I think they're the best.

I'm thankful for metamours who actually care about my partners, and have true interest in taking care of, and helping them when I cannot.  Ones that I can be friends with, and encourage the polycule as a whole.

I am thankful for people in my life.  The ones who are present for me, and that I can be present for, and try to create some support for.

I am thankful for the little things.  The small gestures and moments that bring joy, just by being simple.

Sunday, November 20, 2016

Branching Path

I follow quite a few Tumblrs.  One of which I found out was actually really local to me.  She is close to my age, hypersexual, and very masochistic.  We actually started talking because a new partner of hers had been giving her trouble, and I offered my ear and whatever advice I could give.

Well, this partner had only been around a couple weeks, and she already wanted to be in a committed relationship, with power exchange, and they were fluidbound the first time they met.  She claimed kissing during sex was being affectionate, and that they were super close friends, even though they'd never gone and done something out of the house together.

Needless to say, I tried to explain to her that this situation wasn't exactly a healthy set up, and if she was already having issues a couple weeks in, it probably wasn't going to last a super long time under any real harmony.

He dumped her for another girl the next day, and she moped for a day, before finding several guys online that she fucked in the few days that followed, telling me that she doesn't bother becoming friends with people before fucking them because then she'd never get laid.  And went bare with all of them.  She then decided she wanted to get chastity piercings, so I recommended my piercer.  She refused to go with him, because of the money, and because he wouldn't do eight piercings at once.  I explained several reasons as to why he wouldn't do that many piercings at once, and why it's such a bad idea, and she just said she would go to a shop she had gone to before because it was cheap.

And I think about how she's acted since I started talking to her, and realized that while we have several similar traits, she shows the dramatic difference of being emotionally driven versus logically driven.  She lets her own safety go to the wayside, doesn't actually care about those she has sex with as people, and doesn't actually look at things clearly, but rather towards whatever gets her toward her desired outcome the easiest.

I'd think about recommending friends to her, or partners who are into similar things as her, but she's so unsafe that I don't want to risk my friend's safety either.  There are people in this world that I think let fantasy run their lives too much, and it's slowly burning them more and more.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Carry Over

Kitty and I talked about a lot of things when we were together.  A lot of rolling conversations that just flowed.  One morning, while still avoiding getting out of bed, he mentioned beatings before coffee and breakfast, which I said isn't an option, because I need to be awake to process and read what's going on properly.  He agreed after a minute, and said that morning kidnappings at camp or something would probably work better.

I explained that things like that are how people get stabbed.  If someone is in bed with me when I go to sleep, and is supposed to be there, I have no problem being woken up for sex at any point.  My mind knows they should be there, and everything is cool.  However, if someone wasn't there when I went to bed, and wakes me up, I will wake up swinging, and generally have a lot of weapons within arms reach of where I sleep.

He amusedly understood, and then questioned that middle of the night sex was ok.  I was honestly surprised that this even needed to be asked.  He is aware of my sex drive, and I've told him in the past about Lux and I winding up waking each other several times throughout the night with regular occurrence.  As his argument, he pointed out that it was something between Lux and I, and that it might not carry over.  That with that point of view, he should be fluid-bound with all his partners.  I pointed out that fluid-bonding with partners is an act of common sense and respect for other partners, and follows its own rules.  While he agreed, continued with his point.

And, it became more aware to me how much of Lux and I isn't really things exclusive to us as far as play goes.  We obviously have a couple things, whether for his comfort, or out of trust of our dynamic and safety, but the vast majority is simply what I want.  Things regarding frequency of sex are on my terms, regardless of the partner, because sex happens when I want it (which is all the time, but still).  So long as it doesn't interfere with the few things that either bother the shit out of me, or will get you stabbed, I don't care which of my partners you are, sex is an option.  Just like so long as you respect my limits in play, almost everything is on the table to every partner I have.  It is a case of me enjoying things, rather than picking apart every dynamic and trying to find all the different things that are only applicable to those relationships.

Sometimes it's a lot to dump all the things on a partner as options, but it's a lot easier to do that than set a million limits and have to lift them up over time, or keep track of what different partners can do.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Proud of weirdness

Thrax only ever tried rope with me once.  He didn't get very far, because I stopped him a few seconds in.  As I watched him trying to tie a simple pair of cuffs, and how badly it was being done, I didn't want to risk the danger involved with letting him continue.  He threw a tantrum as I stopped him, thinking he could manipulate me into letting him be unsafe.  When he realized he wasn't going to work, he grumped his way into the living room, and I grabbed a second bundle of rope before following him.  I threw him one of them, sat on the couch, and told him I would walk him through tying it, and we would both practice by self tying our ankles.

He refused, claiming that by having any part of himself tied was a submissive act, and he refused to submit in any form.  So, basically he refused to learn things.  

I feel like this is far too common a thing with a lot of people out there.  Tops and domly folks who refuse to experience things because it invalidates their claims of being a top.  And worse, if they enjoy it, they can't truly be a domly dom anymore.

I feel like there is as much stigma to being a switch in kink as there is to being bisexual in vanilla society.  That you can't possibly enjoy multiple things, or even worse, identify as something, while not fitting into the cookie cutter box of it.

I am very lucky to have two boys who aren't afraid to try things.  They see everything as something to learn from, and experience, and know it doesn't make them any less by doing so.

Lux and I have been talking recently about how he has trouble finding things that relate to him.  That he isn't afraid to bottom for things, so long as power exchange isn't involved, because he doesn't enjoy submitting.  He however knows that no act has a specific side of power exchange involved with it.  He also knows that enjoying bottoming for something doesn't make him less of a domly dom.

I've been reminding him about how that is something to be proud of.  That he has something on so many other domlyfolks out there just out of the knowledge of this.

We talk about both being put into rope suspensions, and how even though he's tied up too, it doesn't make him any less domly, just like someone else putting me in rope doesn't make me any less of his submissive.  These acts don't create a sliding scale, but just create more things onto the list of what sort of complex being we are.

And every single thing you experience is something to learn from.  Something to inspire you.  Something that helps you understand, and create safety.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

No Pants is Best Pants

Last weekend I got to spend with Kitty, and while we had talked about a ton of things, it wound up being a weekend of decompressing together and snuggles.

He never even made it over to the con, even though he had talked about buying new toys.  Instead, we were silly, and comfy, and just enjoying time.

Needless to say, he overpacked.  He packed a ton of his impact toys, which we never even got around to.  But more on that later.

When we finally met up, it was that reminder of how we need to spend time together more often.  The instant snuggly hugs that just don't feel like enough.  We had an adventure to the hotel, and babbled, and talked about a ton of current things in the first evening.  Kitty kind of pouted at not getting to have his first choice of dinner, but we still had a fun day.

Saturday we waited forever to get out of bed.  Lots more snuggles, and deciding what to do with the day.

At breakfast, Lux texted Kitty, which he first thought that meant conspiring against me, but unfortunately was him needing to tell me that a friend of ours passed away.  I talked to Lux, made sure he was ok, and explained it all to Kitty while processing.  I didn't let it take long to work through in the moment, because I didn't want it to affect my time with him.  We enjoyed breakfast, then had some adventures, and headed back to the hotel to figure out the evening.  A ton of caffeine later, we opted for some time with fire, which was fun, even if little fire like that is probably not the kind of thing we had both looked forward to the most.  At dinner we talked about a lot of different things, pertaining to all his partners, and Lux and everything.  We've started to make jokes with each other about how long we've been together at this point, and the realization that I'm pretty much the longest term partner of both my partners.  Which is kind of cool.

After dinner, instead of more play time, I worked on Kitty, because he is a super crackly old man,  Which I reminded him of a lot.  But never enough.  Once I was done, he noodled onto the bed, and didn't move until he fell asleep.  Apparently in his sleep he woke up just enough to tell me a myriad of cute things, but not remember it, and then started snoring.

The weekend was fun, albeit not this grand eventful thing, and doesn't need to be.  I'm happy when he's around, and I'm glad he's in my life, and that doesn't require anything flashy or constant action.

Sunday, November 06, 2016

Muppety Flails

This last week has been really helpful for me on a lot of levels.

Before Lux went back home, he visited for a little bit.  He wasn't in the best mindspace due to things with his family, but I still enjoyed the time, and it seemed like having that time together was good for him.  There's so much going on for him right now, and I feel like just being present is helping compared to how most people have been in the past for him.  Which, in a way is easy for me, because I always try to be present with him.  Kitty actually said the other day that Lux and I have a surprisingly open level of communication, especially compared to how he is.

Speaking of which, I get to spend this weekend with Kitty!  I'm so excited, and we don't even have anything planned. We're just looking forward to time, and little things, like late night talks and snuggles.

Because I am smart, and don't want to deal with an undercaffeinated Kitty, I made a ton of cold brew.  Which might be double processed.  When I tasted it, my eye started twitching, which I'm taking as a good sign.  I told Lux I may make Kitty deal with me drinking it straight.  Lux said he is reminded that I treat both of them differently, and is grateful for those differences.  I find this amusing.

And to top it all off, back during E3, a standalone version of Gwent was announced, and I signed up for a closed Beta while the conference was still going.  Well, the beta keys finally got sent, and I got in!  It's been eating up parts of my life since then, and makes me such a happy nerd.

This last week, as been pretty solid.

Thursday, November 03, 2016

Maybe Soon Stuff?

When I was in elementary school, I wound up helping the class more often than I was just a student.  I learned concepts more quickly than my teachers could get through the material for the rest of the class to keep up, and so I would help catch the other students up, and give the teachers a hand, as their way of giving me extra work to do.  Some of the kids developed animosity toward me for obvious reasons, but a lot of the kids liked having me basically teach them mini-classes, and getting to talk while explaining things in ways the books didn't, which made it easier for them to understand.

In High School, if you'd asked me what I wanted to do, if it wasn't some special effects makeup and animatronics, I would say teaching senior english.  I liked the idea of being able to talk about serious topics, and having mature conversations about what was going on, with complex thoughts and ideas in books.  While covering the books I needed to, I wanted to inspire ideas in other people, and teach them not to just look at words, but think about everything.

If you can't tell yet, I've always enjoyed teaching, and always had a knack for it.  Even with dance, I'm constantly tweaking my teaching techniques, and try to be very thorough and safe, and love getting to see people learn things correctly, rather than from the plethora of people who teach dance in an obscure way that isn't safe, or doesn't even explain moves completely, but rather just throws things at people.

I try not to teach anything I'm not completely comfortable with though.  Which is something I was talking to a friend about the other day.  He teaches all over the country, and every once in a while we talk about the things we enjoy about teaching, and how there is always something to be learned, especially by seeing other teachers.  We talked about how too many teachers don't try to be thorough or even clear in their material, and they are unfortunately of the majority.

And, I've been thinking lately about teaching more in the kink scene.  Teaching dance, but also some basic safety when it comes to pain management and power exchange.  Classes on self identity, building dynamics, and where lines are between power exchange and abuse.  I think that right now there are so many classes on consent and negotiation and pick up play, that we don't have enough being taught about what comes next.

Maybe it's time to start writing down notes.