Wise Decisions

A bit of a warning, this will be a rambling coredump of thoughts, and might take a bit of reading over to process completely.

A year ago I was not me.

I had no confidence in myself, no inspiration, and felt like the biggest failure in the world.  I was in an absolute rut that I had no idea how to get out of, and I hated it.  To top it off, I was in a relationship that had me feeling lower and lower all the time, like I was being used, and just a convenient afterthought.

Ten months ago Thrax dumped me over the phone, not listening to a word I said, and giving his usually myriad of excuses through the thing.  I could tell he just couldn't remember his stories, and while I was torn apart, and needed some kind of static aspect to my life as I made the decision to change everything else, this couldn't have been better for me.

I remember hating the idea of it.  Fighting it being the truth, even though I knew all the bullshit I had been through.  Having crying fits, and hiding them, while watching the fact that Thrax had dumped me to be with the girl who was manipulating him for a change.

And finally, I made the decision that I had to stay single for a while.  That with all the change, I needed to take time for myself.  To get my head straight, and figure myself out.  Then the plans to leave made a relationship seem unfair to anyone I would get into one with.  I hate the idea of distance, and all the issues it can cause.

Then my mind cleared up, and I stopped thinking of what Thrax and I could have been.  I stopped worrying about all the shit he'd done to me, and letting it drag me down.  I simply thought of it all as something to learn from.  I found myself happier by being able to just be me.  I found myself again, and all the mischief I love, and inspiration to create.

It's now ten months later, and even though I'm now feeling like I'm free of the burden he put on my mind, I'm still not actively looking to be attached.

And you know what?  That feels amazing.

I'm feeling more comfortable in my skin than I have in years, my dysmorphia is quieted to a whisper instead of screaming in my ear, and even if my life isn't where I want it to be, I'm not feeling like a failure.  I'm feeling motivated, and back to the strong, determined woman I know I am.

And yes, I will fully admit that I rebounded off a friend.  He was someone I could trust, and is a fantastic man that was someone who I needed in my life to give a shit about me.  However, we would so have killed each other had we actually made anything of it, and I wouldn't have taken the much needed time to myself.  He now has a fantastic girl, and I honestly wish them the best.

I still look at Thrax and wonder when he will wake up about all the stupid decisions he's making.  They're his decisions to make though, and I don't know if he'll ever accept that he is not the person he makes himself out to be.  Oh well, it is no longer my problem, and I've realized there is no use in letting him drag me down to be less than what I am now.

I've got some amazing people helping me.  Lux has managed to keep me inspired, and push all the negativity so far from my mind that I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few months and come out so clear minded as I am now.  He is simply amazing, and I am so grateful for having him in my life at all, let alone the space he's managed to make for himself in my life.

My found family has been fantastic in letting me escape, and remember who I am.  That I am loved no matter what decision I make regarding anything, and they will always be right beside me.  They give me sanctuary, while they may not cause trouble with me, encourage my adventures.

I don't know how I lost myself so badly, but now that I've managed to find me again, I don't want to ever let myself get so misplaced and forgotten.