Creeping Up

I've made a lot of progress in getting over the shit that Thrax put me through.  Things that I knew were because of him, and others that I hadn't considered have all levelled out.

Apparently though, there are still some things that hadn't been settled, and I had to deal with completely in person to find out they were there.

On a more simple end, the pipe I mentioned on Sunday.  I'm so used to  ignored, and never getting random gifts.  To see others being given things that I showed interest in, and being dismissed.  Actually receiving a surprise gift had completely left my mind as a possibility.  It was such an amazing and happy surprise to receive even such a simple gift.

On a more serious, and slightly less pleasant note, I discovered something that I'd never even thought would be an issue.

While I was with Thrax, the vast majority of the time we had the same routine broken record of sex that lasted about ten minutes from the first thought to being finished.  The only time we played was when he was drunk, because he was too smashed to feel intimidated by me.  And when he was drunk, and I was sober, it was also every time that he crossed lines, and ignored limits.  So many times that he did everything that he knew was a limit for me, and ignored me trying to stop him, or would stop just long enough to try and manipulate me into continuing.

Lux has been far more comfortable being domly lately, which I enjoy moreso because it shows him getting over the things that were keeping him from doing what he knows he enjoys.  And because he was being social, he felt safe drinking, and got just barely drunk.  I had almost as much as he did, but only had the slightest feeling of warmth from booze. 

So, we go to bed, tired and full of far more food than most people comprehend eating in a day, and as normally for us, start fucking.  At first, it's happy snugglefucks, with him being dommypants, and me being all about it.  Then, he stops, and starts gnawing at my stomach and ribs.  He's making sure to bite down on large amounts, and not pinching with his teeth, which he knows is exactly what I enjoy.  However, something perked up in that moment about how when Thrax was drunk he ignored me completely, and I had this abstract fear of Lux crossing lines and not stopping if I needed him to. 

I kept telling myself that I was with Lux, and he wasn't Thrax, and that I'm safer with him than anywhere else.  Arguing with myself about the situation.  By the time I knew I was safe though, my mind was far too panicked to keep going, and I needed the security of stopping. 

So I said no.  It took a few times for the word to come out clearly, but within seconds of me saying it the first time, and Lux hearing it, he had stopped, and I was curled up in his arms.

And that handful of seconds calmed me down completely.  That mental confirmation that I was safe, and I was cared for made me feel absolutely comforted from where I was.  Lux of course took extra time to be sure I was settled, so we snuggled, and shared affection, and spilled our hearts out to each other.  I could tell Lux felt better after saying a lot of it too, and we discussed things like the differences between how he handles both Nes and myself.  He spoke more on his fears after his last relationship, and we both kind of broke down walls to feel safer. 

Then we had lots more snuggly sex, and instead of being bitey, he was very grabby, while being domly, and much less forceful over all.  A great way to show the comfort we felt, and get back to our peaceful normal.