A New Devious Chapter

I happen to be just outside of DC right now, and up until last week, it almost didn't happen.  Back when Kitty cancelled his visit due to a snowstorm, he said he would have me down here some time this month to make up for it.  Shortly after I suggested visiting over Squishy's spring break, because it would give me way more time.  We agreed, that was the best course of action. The trip in February went by, and we were both excited to already have the next visit lined up, anticipating more time together.  Except then I could barely get a hold of him. And we had never ironed out any details. Also, any time we made plans to talk, something came up, so there really was no chance to figure any of it out. It got to the point where I asked Lux if he would mind having me visit, because if Kitty was going to bail, I wanted time with him instead.  Not because he was second best, but because I didn't want to lose out on time with both boys, considering how little I get ...

So, go look at the very first post in this blog as a reminder, because it makes this post a bit funnier, and have more meaning.  Go on, I'll give you a minute. Did you read it? Got it all fresh in your head? Good. That party I skipped out on last weekend wound up being a complete clusterfuck.  Lux is actually glad I wasn't there for my own safety.  It seems that crazy feminist friend had gotten super drunk around Thrax the last time he visited without his girlfriend, and they wound up making out, with him not remembering any of it the next day.  Last weekend, she wound up doing the same with Felix.  After they were done, she amusedly told him about the time with Thrax, and his girlfriend heard.  She flipped shit, and jumped on Thrax, physically attacking him.  Crazy feminist pulls her off, only to get attacked herself.  Once they put enough bodies between the two of them, his girlfriend threw a fit to have someone drive her home (which wound u...

The friend I avoided seeing last weekend posts a lot on the Tumblr, which is why I saw all those rants about how Lux and I are horrible people every time we'd visit.  While I haven't really looked at Tumblr lately, I hopped on to see something, and out of curiosity, looked through her blog there. I saw one particular post on there, where she talked about how abuse is abuse, regardless of whether the other person "wanted to harm them".  That affecting someone that way, whether purposely, or being unable to see that effect still counts as abuse, and not listening to person affected when they speak up and making those changes just cements it. And, that's not a bad view to have.  It's a very solid thing in fact. Except that she'll preach it only until conflict of interest arises. There were many car rides as I went back home with her where I'd tell her about shit Thrax pulled, and she'd just say "Well, he didn't mean to hurt you, he just n...

Lately, I've been paying attention to what helps quiet my mind when it comes to body image.  It's probably no surprise, but my mental state has a lot to do with it.  When I'm only around my parents, who constantly treat me like garbage, I feel horrible.  I want to curl up in a ball, and I want no one to look at me.  Simply to hide under the blankets, and sleep forever, and not have to deal with any of it. And then I stop feeling drive to work out, and notice those changes as well.  I lose that clarity of mind, or that boost of energy, or getting to see what my body can do. It's terrible.  I hate the feeling, and yet I've dealt with it most of my life.  But, when I remember to work out as often as I can, my posture improves, and I see what I'm physically capable of.  I see my strength, and flexibility, and get that feeling like jell-o afterward.  It makes me see all of that in the mirror, and while I notice all the physical imperfections I...

It's been a really weird week for interacting with old friends. I had a weekend with a couple of my oldest friends, catching up, and playing games.  This went well, and I'm glad that it happened.  I stayed up far later than I should have, but it was fun, and that's what matters. However, one of my friends who was causing issues last fall has been trying to get me up to visit.  And, recently, Felix's mother passed away, and they are having a get together to support him, and she's trying her damnedest to have me there.  To the point where she changed the date to work with my schedule.  The thing is though, I don't really want to be around her anymore.  The last half dozen times I've been there, while simply trying to keep up with conversation, she's reacted to what I say with complete irrationality, attacking me, telling I'm wrong, and horrible, predjudice, and a shitty person.  Everyone that I explain this to says that I deal with similar enough at ...

Little things fuck me up.  The bullshit my family pulls, or the gnome, makes me constantly pissed.  It drags me down and digs away to the point where I overthink, and it makes me feel like shit.  When I bottom, if it's a long enough play session with someone I know, I'll go nonverbal with floaty endorphins.  However, I've got this weird sort of super power when shit happens.  If someone gets hurt, or something goes down, I burn those brain chemicals, and instantly put those emotions to the side.  I gain focus, and clarity to make sure whatever went down gets my full attention until it's fixed and I'm sure everything is good again. When I bottom, if anything is no longer happy, I quickly snap out of the floaty feeling, burn through those endorphins, speak up and stop what is going on.  This is not only helpful for making me a safe partner, but lets me make sure those I care about get every bit of help and support possible, no matter what is happening...

Kitty and I used to have a very interesting dynamic in our unacknowledged relationship.  Even though we never discussed it, we had this incredibly strong support structure for us both, and in an odd way, became this weird non-controlling form of d/s.  He at the time did a lot to take care of me, and I tried to do as much for him as I could while being an awkward teenager.  It really looked like this solid healthy and caring relationship that was very obviously with someone in their teens and early twenties.  We'd argue and be at each other's throats over something dumb, and then the next minute, we'd be working like a well oiled machine, acting as the other's hands, and snuggled up as soon as we were done, not needing an apology, but simply moving on from it. And now, things are different.  We've both grown as people, and magically, it's been in a similar enough way that we still just mesh right.  Then there's Lux and I as well, who have a still different ...

I wake up every morning to their embrace.  Warm and comforting, enjoying their touch on my skin, I have to convince myself to keep my eyes open.  That contentment as I welcome the day, and greet the peace of the moment.  The challenges of the day come to mind, as I contemplate their worth.  I snuggle in for a moment, sighing at what the day holds. "Stay with me," they whisper, "Stay with me, and we will have this contented warmth, wrapped up in peace as we watch the chaos of the world go by." The offer is tempting, but there are things I want to do, and learn.  There are adventures to be had, and hiding from the world shows me none of them. "Come with me, please?" I ask sleepily, still having touble keeping my eyes open for an extended period of time. "I can't, but I promise I'll be here whenever you decide to join me again." That's always how it is with them.  No matter what I'm striving for, they don't stand next to me,...

While making out with Kitty when we were together last, he mentioned feels making his current situation difficult.  That he was used to how we felt about each other way back when, but now taking in his best friend, partner in crime, and a relationship that clocks in over a decade, as well as feels being far beyond what they were, it takes some processing.  And also, as he put it "that l-word we skirt around without really mentioning, but feeling", which I said that we've always told each other when it was needed, but neither one of us felt like we had the place to say it all the time. And then we did the math.  Six years since I'd said it, and longer since he had. There are very few people I've told that I loved since my mid teens.  Probably a half dozen, and rarely was I the first one to say it.  I wait until there's no chance of it being a crush, or a rebound, or any of that, and until that long term shine comes through.  And, I don't say it often....