A New Devious Chapter

I've been thinking lately, about how I space, and how the vast majority of the time, I don't get there.  Thinking about how even though I can space from singular aspects, it rarely happens, and why. I have to be able to actually relax in order to space.  However, through my early teens, and even into my present, I'm frequently told that even though I'm funny, and fun, and helpful, I'm wound tightly, and generally very tense.  People used to tell me all the time to relax until I learned to just cover it up with actions. And, that comes through in play.  I need to be at a point where I know I won't have to do damage control or keep a heavy eye on things in the moment.  I can, and will always do what is necessary after the fact, because that has no impact on me during. Especially when it comes to pain though, I have to monitor what is going on so closely due to my pain tolerance.  I have to know what the difference is between pain that feels good, pain tha...

So, stuff I'm thankful for and junk. This year has been weird, and I'm not in the best mental place when I'm writing this, so this one might be a little weird. I am thankful for getting to learn new things about me.  That while I don't get subdrop, I do get poly drop.  That I will always find ways the abuse of my past will creep in, and that I can get past it all.  That I am far better at communicating than a lot of my friends, and that I truly won't stand for any of the shit I've dealt with in the past. I am thankful for having safe people to do new things with!  And then to find my space in those things, and discover what I enjoy about them.  I am thankful for my love of a challenge, and always wondering just how far I can push myself. I am thankful for getting to learn how poly works for me, and having two absolutely wonderful and patient partners, who I can't imagine having ones that I care for more.  Who are supportive, and fun, and no matter how...

I follow quite a few Tumblrs.  One of which I found out was actually really local to me.  She is close to my age, hypersexual, and very masochistic.  We actually started talking because a new partner of hers had been giving her trouble, and I offered my ear and whatever advice I could give. Well, this partner had only been around a couple weeks, and she already wanted to be in a committed relationship, with power exchange, and they were fluidbound the first time they met.  She claimed kissing during sex was being affectionate, and that they were super close friends, even though they'd never gone and done something out of the house together. Needless to say, I tried to explain to her that this situation wasn't exactly a healthy set up, and if she was already having issues a couple weeks in, it probably wasn't going to last a super long time under any real harmony. He dumped her for another girl the next day, and she moped for a day, before finding several g...

Kitty and I talked about a lot of things when we were together.  A lot of rolling conversations that just flowed.  One morning, while still avoiding getting out of bed, he mentioned beatings before coffee and breakfast, which I said isn't an option, because I need to be awake to process and read what's going on properly.  He agreed after a minute, and said that morning kidnappings at camp or something would probably work better. I explained that things like that are how people get stabbed.  If someone is in bed with me when I go to sleep, and is supposed to be there, I have no problem being woken up for sex at any point.  My mind knows they should be there, and everything is cool.  However, if someone wasn't there when I went to bed, and wakes me up, I will wake up swinging, and generally have a lot of weapons within arms reach of where I sleep. He amusedly understood, and then questioned that middle of the night sex was ok.  I was honestly surpris...

Thrax only ever tried rope with me once.  He didn't get very far, because I stopped him a few seconds in.  As I watched him trying to tie a simple pair of cuffs, and how badly it was being done, I didn't want to risk the danger involved with letting him continue.  He threw a tantrum as I stopped him, thinking he could manipulate me into letting him be unsafe.  When he realized he wasn't going to work, he grumped his way into the living room, and I grabbed a second bundle of rope before following him.  I threw him one of them, sat on the couch, and told him I would walk him through tying it, and we would both practice by self tying our ankles. He refused, claiming that by having any part of himself tied was a submissive act, and he refused to submit in any form.  So, basically he refused to learn things.   I feel like this is far too common a thing with a lot of people out there.  Tops and domly folks who refuse to experience things because ...

Last weekend I got to spend with Kitty, and while we had talked about a ton of things, it wound up being a weekend of decompressing together and snuggles. He never even made it over to the con, even though he had talked about buying new toys.  Instead, we were silly, and comfy, and just enjoying time. Needless to say, he overpacked.  He packed a ton of his impact toys, which we never even got around to.  But more on that later. When we finally met up, it was that reminder of how we need to spend time together more often.  The instant snuggly hugs that just don't feel like enough.  We had an adventure to the hotel, and babbled, and talked about a ton of current things in the first evening.  Kitty kind of pouted at not getting to have his first choice of dinner, but we still had a fun day. Saturday we waited forever to get out of bed.  Lots more snuggles, and deciding what to do with the day. At breakfast, Lux texted Kitty, which he first thou...

This last week has been really helpful for me on a lot of levels. Before Lux went back home, he visited for a little bit.  He wasn't in the best mindspace due to things with his family, but I still enjoyed the time, and it seemed like having that time together was good for him.  There's so much going on for him right now, and I feel like just being present is helping compared to how most people have been in the past for him.  Which, in a way is easy for me, because I always try to be present with him.  Kitty actually said the other day that Lux and I have a surprisingly open level of communication, especially compared to how he is. Speaking of which, I get to spend this weekend with Kitty!  I'm so excited, and we don't even have anything planned. We're just looking forward to time, and little things, like late night talks and snuggles. Because I am smart, and don't want to deal with an undercaffeinated Kitty, I made a ton of cold brew.  Which might be...

When I was in elementary school, I wound up helping the class more often than I was just a student.  I learned concepts more quickly than my teachers could get through the material for the rest of the class to keep up, and so I would help catch the other students up, and give the teachers a hand, as their way of giving me extra work to do.  Some of the kids developed animosity toward me for obvious reasons, but a lot of the kids liked having me basically teach them mini-classes, and getting to talk while explaining things in ways the books didn't, which made it easier for them to understand. In High School, if you'd asked me what I wanted to do, if it wasn't some special effects makeup and animatronics, I would say teaching senior english.  I liked the idea of being able to talk about serious topics, and having mature conversations about what was going on, with complex thoughts and ideas in books.  While covering the books I needed to, I wanted to inspire ideas in ...