A New Devious Chapter

Last weekend, I attended my first public yoga class.  Even when I taught dance at a yoga studio, I didn't make it to a class. My wifey friend knows the owner of a brewery, and they have a fancy yoga class every other week, then reward everyone with a flight of adorably tiny beers.  We decided to go as a way to kick off a new set of dance classes after going to a hafla together recently. I've got to say, there was a lot of weird things about it, and not all of them were bad. When we got there, we went up the stairs, and I saw a bunch of people around the room, and noticed there was a good mix of different body types, and a handful of guys in the class.  Of course there were a good chunk of super super skinny girls all in designer yoga pants that probably cost more than all the clothing in my closet, and overpriced mats.  I giggled to myself when the teacher asked who had done yoga before, and they all said it was their first time, as I am there in my loose thai ...

I put a lot of focus into trying to instill a good sense of right and wrong when it comes to the wee beastie.  Not just for how she should act, but in the actions of others around her, and what is acceptable, and what she should never allow or back down from. Unfortunately, my parents are a constant example of everything she should never do or allow. With very few exceptions, I make sure to respect whenever Squishy says she doesn't want hugs, or when I've snuggled her up too much and she wants a bit of space.  In return, she knows to respect that from me, and while we might pout a little if one says no, it's never meant maliciously. However, lately she hasn't wanted to hug my parents at all.  They openly treat me with very little respect, and try to force Squishy to show affection when she doesn't want to.  Usually she tries to run away in order to avoid it, and often winds up wanting to hug me.  Every time I ask her, she just says she doesn't want to...

So, the other day Lux was feeling some kind of way, and after some encouragement, he sent me some nudes.  Which, I mean, getting to check out cute boys I like while they're far away is something I'm not going to complain about ever. However, I saw very clearly that he was uncomfortable with it, which is not something normal for him.  We talked about it, and how he doesn't want to feel so self conscious anymore.  That I would help him figure out things to do about it, and affirmed that I will nom on him as much as necessary until he feels pretty again.  And then after, because I already think he's pretty. Afterward, when he'd gone to work, and was busy in meetings, I thought about it more.  That his goal is to feel sexy again, and not feel so self conscious in front of a camera again.  And about how he wouldn't have much problem if I was on the other side of the room instead of a lens.  That usually I am reaffirming, and making contented grabby hand...

To start off, a short story: Kitty left the larp we attended before I did.  He was done there, and no longer having fun, and so he needed to leave.  As we were both doing logistics at the time, I took over, and continued to attend.  However, given the amount of time we spent together at events, no one really bothered trying to do anything with me because he was always there. Well, literally the event after he left I'm walking up to where some people are hanging out to join in on conversation, and a guy who is a known douchebag walks up to me.  He cuts me off in my tracks, grabs me by the shoulders, and tells me he's high, and that he wants to drag me into the woods to fuck me. Needless to say I'm a little put off by this and say something to the president of the larp.  He comes back to me later, telling me that he said he was just joking. Um, excuse me, the fuck?  He's not my friend, and if he was, he'd know that any sort of joke like that wo...

So, as a more lighthearted topic, something I often giggle at. As much as I don't want to get old, stop doing things, or become ignorant to the world, I absolutely can't wait to become a crotchety old person. Lux already says I'm a crotchety old man. Sometimes, we sit together either on his balcony, or my back porch, or while camping.  We set ourselves up with a cigar, or our pipes, smoke something tasty, and sip rum.  We look exactly like an 80 year old couple yelling at the hoodlums running around outside.  It's probably adorable. There are times even when it's just me, with a cigar and a drink, reading a book and hollering at anyone making too much noise. The other day, a remake was made of my favorite NES game.  I went on an old person rant with a friend, about how back in my day, we weren't able to save our game, and limited lives, so we had to get good enough to beat the game in a day.  And we couldn't just leave the console on, because the c...

It's been a long time since I've broken up with Thrax, and gone without an abusive partner in my life.  A long time since I've had that negative influence, and everything that comes with it. In that time, I've learned a lot.  I've gotten stronger in a lot of ways, and discovered a lot about how I actually am when I'm encouraged to be me, and not having a partner trying to force me to be someone else, or that I'm undeserving of more. Sometimes though, after dealing with it for that long, little things peek through. I don't think past abuse ever really goes away at this point, because I deal with it all the time. Always feeling the need to apologize, as though it's all my fault.  Being afraid to ask for anything, or help at any time.  Feeling panic when I do speak up about my own basic needs, because I've gone too far, and don't want to be attacked. Even when I know the same things won't happen because I have healthier people in m...

So, I found out some spoilers of the new Logan movie that came out recently.  Apparently, one of the main themes is the concept and lesson of "Don't become what they've made you into".  And, I think it's a hell of a theme for a story like that, and one that really gets into some of the nitty gritty of the old marvel comic universe, especially for a character like Logan. But, when I heard that the theme was something like that, I thought about it, and how much I fought to be different from what others have tried to force me to be. I was taught to cower.  To just take whatever others do to me, because they're entitled to treat me like shit.  I was taught to have to do without because I must be like others, and plan to fuck things up in exactly the same ways.  I was taught that wanting to be treated with respect made me uncontrollable.  That I should never ask for help, but expect to have to do absolutely everything for others. I was taught to take advan...

The other day, I started having a serious conversation with Kitty, and told him that I didn't think I could really get much positive from it until I got my baseline at a better state.  That we're all in a shitty place, and we all need to make these steps to get better, and then start making bigger improvements. Later in the week, I was talking to Lux, and mentioned that I think a beating to catharsis would be good for me.  I also said that I wasn't sure if he was in a place where he would be comfortable beating me to that point.  That I was worried if he were to try, and he pushed himself too much I wouldn't be able to take care of him afterward.  That he wasn't in a state to be able to do that safely, even if he said he can. And, it's a big thing to beat me to that point.  Honestly, I don't think it's ever been managed.  I hold on for too long, unable to relax, and let go, and with too high a pain tolerance for most people to get me there. It'...

The other day, I got what I thought was a smart idea.  I'd just google "Thunder thighs" and get to enjoy lots of pictures of men with big pretty legs and cute butts.  It seemed like a great plan, full of awesome rewards. Well, I tried it, and what came up was a ton of images of things like ways to get rid of thunder thighs, ways to slim down legs, and what exercises are necessary to have thin thighs and legs.  To have "sexy legs" and how to get them. Then I looked and saw more showing women who were talking about how strong they were with their thicker legs, and how it was them showing love for themselves, and not needed to find a partner. It very blatantly showed this divide in society for women.  That idea that you can be strong an independent, or thin and attractive, but never can they mix.  And I think that's more media than real life right now. And we know how much I like to follow the suggestions of media. I hate that there is this divide.  ...