It's been a long time since I've broken up with Thrax, and gone without an abusive partner in my life. A long time since I've had that negative influence, and everything that comes with it.
In that time, I've learned a lot. I've gotten stronger in a lot of ways, and discovered a lot about how I actually am when I'm encouraged to be me, and not having a partner trying to force me to be someone else, or that I'm undeserving of more.
Sometimes though, after dealing with it for that long, little things peek through.
I don't think past abuse ever really goes away at this point, because I deal with it all the time.
Always feeling the need to apologize, as though it's all my fault. Being afraid to ask for anything, or help at any time. Feeling panic when I do speak up about my own basic needs, because I've gone too far, and don't want to be attacked.
Even when I know the same things won't happen because I have healthier people in my life, I still deal with the same feelings years later.
The random triggers that come about in which I have to stop everything and talk myself down from, because they're related to such shitty events from my past don't go away. I just keep finding new ones.
I notice the habits in others too. Signs of too much gaslighting, and emotional abuse, and the effect it has now.
It's sad to think about, and worse to see, especially over time when the other people are far from our lives and minds. Sometimes things take far too long to heal over completely.
In that time, I've learned a lot. I've gotten stronger in a lot of ways, and discovered a lot about how I actually am when I'm encouraged to be me, and not having a partner trying to force me to be someone else, or that I'm undeserving of more.
Sometimes though, after dealing with it for that long, little things peek through.
I don't think past abuse ever really goes away at this point, because I deal with it all the time.
Always feeling the need to apologize, as though it's all my fault. Being afraid to ask for anything, or help at any time. Feeling panic when I do speak up about my own basic needs, because I've gone too far, and don't want to be attacked.
Even when I know the same things won't happen because I have healthier people in my life, I still deal with the same feelings years later.
The random triggers that come about in which I have to stop everything and talk myself down from, because they're related to such shitty events from my past don't go away. I just keep finding new ones.
I notice the habits in others too. Signs of too much gaslighting, and emotional abuse, and the effect it has now.
It's sad to think about, and worse to see, especially over time when the other people are far from our lives and minds. Sometimes things take far too long to heal over completely.
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