The other day, I started having a serious conversation with Kitty, and told him that I didn't think I could really get much positive from it until I got my baseline at a better state. That we're all in a shitty place, and we all need to make these steps to get better, and then start making bigger improvements.
Later in the week, I was talking to Lux, and mentioned that I think a beating to catharsis would be good for me. I also said that I wasn't sure if he was in a place where he would be comfortable beating me to that point. That I was worried if he were to try, and he pushed himself too much I wouldn't be able to take care of him afterward. That he wasn't in a state to be able to do that safely, even if he said he can.
And, it's a big thing to beat me to that point. Honestly, I don't think it's ever been managed. I hold on for too long, unable to relax, and let go, and with too high a pain tolerance for most people to get me there.
It's a tall order for any top, and given how few people I would trust to do it, means it's pretty much a very small chance for me to get there.
I suggested having someone else there, either as a way for Lux to tag out and take a moment mentally, or if he were to push, to be there to look after us both when it was done. Which honestly might be the best plan regardless, because having someone there to start coffee and order pizza is important.
At this point, I'm in a state where while it would probably be one of the best things for me to make steps to move forward, I don't think I have the resources to actually manage it. I will find other ways to get that much needed reset with the people in my life, and continue on.
Later in the week, I was talking to Lux, and mentioned that I think a beating to catharsis would be good for me. I also said that I wasn't sure if he was in a place where he would be comfortable beating me to that point. That I was worried if he were to try, and he pushed himself too much I wouldn't be able to take care of him afterward. That he wasn't in a state to be able to do that safely, even if he said he can.
And, it's a big thing to beat me to that point. Honestly, I don't think it's ever been managed. I hold on for too long, unable to relax, and let go, and with too high a pain tolerance for most people to get me there.
It's a tall order for any top, and given how few people I would trust to do it, means it's pretty much a very small chance for me to get there.
I suggested having someone else there, either as a way for Lux to tag out and take a moment mentally, or if he were to push, to be there to look after us both when it was done. Which honestly might be the best plan regardless, because having someone there to start coffee and order pizza is important.
At this point, I'm in a state where while it would probably be one of the best things for me to make steps to move forward, I don't think I have the resources to actually manage it. I will find other ways to get that much needed reset with the people in my life, and continue on.
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