Coming into Thanksgiving I went a bit into overdrive. I had so much I knew I was going to need to juggle, with the coming holidays, everything that I now balance, two homes to be present for, and everything else. I had project after project being piled upon me, as well as the mental load of both houses, and the increasing physical load of my own house.
Where it should have been an easy week, I was rather nonstop leading up to heading out for the holiday. My parents were pushing guilt up to the last minute, as though I would change my plans and stay home just so they could treat me poorly and feel better about themselves. I left, despite some bumps in the road, and had a fairly peaceful holiday. It didn't quite go as planned for anyone, but could have been far worse, and we felt a little better by the end of it.
I got home knowing I would be busy. I had a lot of projects to finish, and they needed to be done quickly to work with a different deadline I had. While trying to get through a handful of things that were all ticking away, I also had to deal with my parents, who didn't even try to bring the ever growing collection of Christmas upstairs, but rather waited for me to do it alone without actually asking me to, before I was even unpacked from my time away. They were overly proud of themselves for putting away fall, which was now in even more bins than it previously was, to the point where it's now a project to figure out how to fit all the bins in other spaces, in order to have room to carry up other bins. I pointed out that the room where decorations live in the basement will now be full floor to ceiling from the wall to the door, and my mom just shrugged and said how she did a good job with separating things so I'll know what bins to bring up when next year.
There was zero hesitation in reminding her that this is the last year they have help, because I'll be gone by next year. They've already started trying to sabotage the entire situation like they always do, which has more than once made me have some not so great thought processes, but in this case, upon telling them that they actually had to be responsible for something next year, my mom just shrugged, saying that they would figure out how to do it themselves or throw everything out. It was definitely an attempt at manipulation and guilt trips, and I can already see how they plan to turn me into a villain about all of it, and I don't care. Once I'm gone, a lot is going to change for them as someone is no longer carrying all the mental load for the house, as well as doing the majority of tasks, and they'll learn the hard way.
After just a few days back, I noticed my sleep was getting worse, and midway through one day, after getting a handful of things off my shoulders, I noticed that I just couldn't focus. I had nothing else that I needed to do that day, but had things I could do to get ahead and make my life easier further down the road. Unfortunately, my mind just wouldn't let me, and I had to simply stop for a while. It was tough, with the guilt of not getting things done creating pressure, while reminding myself that I can't go without mental rest for as long as I tend to do.
Many times with Rabbit, he tells me that his brain has shut down. There's either too much going on, or his mind is on something else, and he simply can't do the things he knows he needs to. Normally, it's not something I can relate to, but this time, when it hit I told him that it had, and remembered that when it happens to him, I am patient, and remind him to just take care of his mind. I need to learn to do that with myself too.
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