The Hardest Yet

 Amidst it all, we have even rockier roads.  

I found out last minute that the weekend after Chanukah had Squishy going up to her father for one last visit before Christmas.  I had enough things to do that I would have been busy at home, but told Rabbit about her leaving as soon as I knew.  Without pause, he asked if he could come get me for the weekend.  I brought up his returning to work, and so it sat in limbo a bit, but I told him that instead of getting specific things I needed to do, I could accomplish some other tasks which would make a lot easier.

Rabbit had prep to do for returning to work, and still needed to finish the yard after the neighbor filed complaints.  Where I had intended to get other things done, I wound up helping with that all weekend, after we had said things were more relaxed than we thought, and there were other things that I needed to get done.  We also wanted to go and spend time together, having not had the chance to just have a date together recently.

We were working in the yard until it was dark, and I felt defeated.  I felt like we had lost out on any of the things that we had wanted to do, or the things that I had wanted to get done to get ahead and help while I was there.  As we got in from dinner, it was obvious that it was bothering me, and I told him.  He immediately told me to get in the car, and we spent an hour out together, finally getting to some time together to feel better.

I noticed myself more on edge, and being more frustrated with things in the house, pointing out to Rabbit that my state at one point was about as bad as I get when I'm stressed and anxious.  He was patient with me, and we made sure to reconnect afterward.

The morning after I got home, I finally explained the entire situation, and how the next few weeks were going to be more difficult for me because I didn't get anything done, and especially during some of the days right after Christmas.  He felt guilty because he didn't understand the breadth of the situation, and it turned into what was for us a huge clash of miscommunication and problem solving.  We struggled to talk through it all and try to find a solution, while also stumbling over things that had us both feeling worse, despite it not turning malicious.

Eventually we got to where we had some form of a plan, albeit one that we knew would only be a groundwork that we would need to adjust with time. We apologized where we could, and tried to figure out a way that we could settle our minds a little when we had to get off the phone.  For the most part, we were feeling better, but still on edge from the entire thing, doubly so because we were being pulled in our own directions due to timing.  It was tough on us, but afterward we acknowledged our appreciation of how we handle things, and the trust and safety we've built together.

We will reconnect, and all of this is not forever.  In the end, every time we hit a bump it's something that we learn from together, and try to grow from it to become stronger.  I never have to have the thought of "It's ok because all couples fight" and more "We learn how to communicate and work together over time" because ultimately we do try to be better with each other as time goes on.  

Hopefully the year ends a little more smoothly.