Clean Slate

I've recently been thinking about some of the things I thought I simply wasn't capable of as far as sex and play had been concerned.  Not my limits mind you, but just certain scenarios that I didn't think I could ever deal with due to my past, and how it would affect me now.

Thrax and the gnome left me pretty heavily fucked up about a lot of things.  Between rape, being put down for my sex drive, being told my asking to play every few months was pushy and too forceful for a slave it didn't leave me in the best mental shape.

Then add in the lies, disregard for my well-being, attempts at manipulation, and totally ignoring what I'd clearly asked of them.  It adds to that pile.

I was at a point a year ago where I couldn't imagine co-topping ever again, submitting to any real extent, having someone else present while I topped someone, or having another girl as a third in any way, or my being a third.

And it's been a year, I've had a lot of good experiences to ease my mind on a lot of things, and I've been constantly reminding myself of one thing.

Any partner I have from here out is not Thrax.

They are not the gnome.

They are no one that has fucked me up in the past.

I can't treat them like they will do the same, because they aren't the same person.  I've become increasingly guarded over the last while because of them, and so anyone who actually manages to get close to me has proven themselves time and again.  It isn't fair to them for me to cut them short like that, and they deserve the trust they've earned.

Sure, there are some things I legitimately am not interested in, or don't work for my personality and style, but there's a world of fun to be had.

I can't let the bullshit in my past create barriers in my future.

It might take some actual negotiation prior, so I can parse over it all, and be sure I'm comfortable with it all.  I might need plenty of snuggles before and after.  I may need small bits of reassurance even during any of it.

There are people in my life that I know wouldn't fuck up the place they have in my life over something so small as a single interaction, and would want to take care of me through it, and that alone is worth being open to the chance.

I've learned a lot in a short amount of time.  I know what I am capable of, and I know not to stand for anything less than what I deserve, which is all the respect and care I know that I give.