A bit of background:
I met Kitty in June of 2004. We were at a larp, and without any intention, wound up sitting up all night talking, instead of going to sleep like we should have. No introduction before that; we were both simply awake outside the inn, giggling about random horrible thoughts. A few months later I invited him to stay in the cabin with us, because he didn't know where he was staying, and after that, we started messaging on AIM nearly every day.
We would call each other a few days a week and chat on his commute home from work, or when the girlfriend he was living with was busy with whatever else. Once winter hit, we started hanging out almost weekly, and we would share a tent at events and faires, because we both liked to snuggle, and it was a convenient sleeping arrangement for us.
Our friendship became something that no one really knew what to think of. I could contact him when no one else could, and he would call me having panic attacks instead of his girlfriend. We constantly held hands when we were out, and snuggled as often as we could. He wound up being the person I lost my v-card to, and the first person I ever fell in love with. Everyone who saw us thought we were dating, because he didn't often mention his girlfriend.
We never did date though, even though he occasionally split with his girl, because I didn't want to risk fucking up the friendship we had. In all my teenage insanity, apparently I had that straight.
The gnome tried to forbid us from talking to each other, because he believed all the rumors that had been spread about us at larp (which weren't true, but we giggled over often given how nonsensical they were). We continued to talk anyway, and when he eventually got married, he went off with his wife to Hawaii to work with WWOOF, and I stopped hearing from him much.
Then the gnome and I split, and he came back, and said he was getting a divorce. We agreed we wouldn't allow the other to become a rebound, but started talking on the regular again, like nothing had changed. He brought a peace and happiness to my life, the kind people are lucky to even have a few moments of.
And then he met a new girl, and this girl couldn't stand the place I had in my life, and forbid that we talk anymore. Where I had made sure never to cut him out of my life, he left then. I had the connection with someone that most people dream of, and it died off, right there.
Ok, maybe that was more than a bit.
So, for some reason while life has shit on me in a lot of ways, I've managed to find a connection like that not just once, but twice now.
Lux found me online while I was just at the tail end of an internet hiatus last year after breaking up with Thrax. We messaged a little bit, and finally met at a faire we both worked at. We chatted some, and almost immediately after going home, I started texting him.
And we've been texting constantly ever since. From the beginning, talking to him wasn't an awkward chore of tiptoeing along, worrying what I could share, and what would be too much. It was that comforting peace that occurs when two people just mesh. Sure, we've got differences, but they are these fantastic things we learn from each other.
We inspire, push, teach, learn, and grow from each other. Just being there helps, and fixes so much. We do nearly everything together at this point, and everyone thinks we're dating, almost refusing to believe when we say it isn't the case. From the outside, I can understand it. We're affectionate, always together, and made happier just by the other person's presence. We are constantly honest, and make the other a big part of our lives. It's a better relationship than most people have who are dating, and yet we see no need to actually make that distinction to specify such a title.
Even in a sense of power exchange, we naturally fall into actions that look like a serious D/s relationship. Where we both tried to keep even ground, and actually tried to avoid power exchange, we've wound up with some sort of dynamic between us happening, just acting in the way that makes us happiest.
I don't know how many people wind up finding something like this even once, let alone twice.
And I am so afraid I'm going to lose it again.
Lux is off to work with a new company up in New York in a couple weeks, and so he'll be a few hours away from here. He will no longer be the short half hour ride away that he was, and I am terrified I'm going to lose him the same way I lost Kitty.
I'm so worried this is how things will wind up being for me. That I'll wind up losing anyone I wind up having a real, solid connection to, and continue to just date a bunch of abusive asshats.
However, I want him to be happy, and if that means taking that risk, and possibly losing him from my life, I'm more than willing. I'm not about to pull something that selfish, and try to keep him here when he could be living up to his potential elsewhere.
I will always look back to the memories I have with him and smile, whether we are still making them together, or not.
I met Kitty in June of 2004. We were at a larp, and without any intention, wound up sitting up all night talking, instead of going to sleep like we should have. No introduction before that; we were both simply awake outside the inn, giggling about random horrible thoughts. A few months later I invited him to stay in the cabin with us, because he didn't know where he was staying, and after that, we started messaging on AIM nearly every day.
We would call each other a few days a week and chat on his commute home from work, or when the girlfriend he was living with was busy with whatever else. Once winter hit, we started hanging out almost weekly, and we would share a tent at events and faires, because we both liked to snuggle, and it was a convenient sleeping arrangement for us.
Our friendship became something that no one really knew what to think of. I could contact him when no one else could, and he would call me having panic attacks instead of his girlfriend. We constantly held hands when we were out, and snuggled as often as we could. He wound up being the person I lost my v-card to, and the first person I ever fell in love with. Everyone who saw us thought we were dating, because he didn't often mention his girlfriend.
We never did date though, even though he occasionally split with his girl, because I didn't want to risk fucking up the friendship we had. In all my teenage insanity, apparently I had that straight.
The gnome tried to forbid us from talking to each other, because he believed all the rumors that had been spread about us at larp (which weren't true, but we giggled over often given how nonsensical they were). We continued to talk anyway, and when he eventually got married, he went off with his wife to Hawaii to work with WWOOF, and I stopped hearing from him much.
Then the gnome and I split, and he came back, and said he was getting a divorce. We agreed we wouldn't allow the other to become a rebound, but started talking on the regular again, like nothing had changed. He brought a peace and happiness to my life, the kind people are lucky to even have a few moments of.
And then he met a new girl, and this girl couldn't stand the place I had in my life, and forbid that we talk anymore. Where I had made sure never to cut him out of my life, he left then. I had the connection with someone that most people dream of, and it died off, right there.
Ok, maybe that was more than a bit.
So, for some reason while life has shit on me in a lot of ways, I've managed to find a connection like that not just once, but twice now.
Lux found me online while I was just at the tail end of an internet hiatus last year after breaking up with Thrax. We messaged a little bit, and finally met at a faire we both worked at. We chatted some, and almost immediately after going home, I started texting him.
And we've been texting constantly ever since. From the beginning, talking to him wasn't an awkward chore of tiptoeing along, worrying what I could share, and what would be too much. It was that comforting peace that occurs when two people just mesh. Sure, we've got differences, but they are these fantastic things we learn from each other.
We inspire, push, teach, learn, and grow from each other. Just being there helps, and fixes so much. We do nearly everything together at this point, and everyone thinks we're dating, almost refusing to believe when we say it isn't the case. From the outside, I can understand it. We're affectionate, always together, and made happier just by the other person's presence. We are constantly honest, and make the other a big part of our lives. It's a better relationship than most people have who are dating, and yet we see no need to actually make that distinction to specify such a title.
Even in a sense of power exchange, we naturally fall into actions that look like a serious D/s relationship. Where we both tried to keep even ground, and actually tried to avoid power exchange, we've wound up with some sort of dynamic between us happening, just acting in the way that makes us happiest.
I don't know how many people wind up finding something like this even once, let alone twice.
And I am so afraid I'm going to lose it again.
Lux is off to work with a new company up in New York in a couple weeks, and so he'll be a few hours away from here. He will no longer be the short half hour ride away that he was, and I am terrified I'm going to lose him the same way I lost Kitty.
I'm so worried this is how things will wind up being for me. That I'll wind up losing anyone I wind up having a real, solid connection to, and continue to just date a bunch of abusive asshats.
However, I want him to be happy, and if that means taking that risk, and possibly losing him from my life, I'm more than willing. I'm not about to pull something that selfish, and try to keep him here when he could be living up to his potential elsewhere.
I will always look back to the memories I have with him and smile, whether we are still making them together, or not.
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