After I typed up my last post, I sent it to Lux, because it knocked me a bit too off center to type it up.
Which he read.
At work.
While on the phone.
Yea, I probably should have realized he would do that. Oh well. He kept himself from tearing up while working, so that's good.
I told him that I just needed to keep reminding myself that he isn't anyone else that I've known, or dealt with in the past, and I need to treat it like something new. He brought up that I say the same thing to him, that I am not his past partners, when he is worried about something that has been an issue with others in the past.
Hooray insecurities! Yea, that might be a reoccurring theme of this post.
The next day he asked if he could come down after work, and invade my bed. As I am not one to say no to the chance to snuggle sexy menfolk all night, I was all for it. I figured he just needed time to clear his head after accepting the job and realizing everything that needed to get done. Snugglefucks were had, and I enjoyed a night being curled up against him.
I will take this time to let you know that I never really acknowledge the possibility of someone actually having serious feelings for me. I know me. I know my faults, and I know how difficult I can be. Any time anyone actually tells me they give a shit about me, I have to kind of stare in disbelief while I process it. It catches me so off guard, even though it may be completely obvious to everyone around me. It's fun, in a not so fun kind of way.
It also explains why I'm usually determined to do things by myself, and never expect anyone to actually do anything for me.
Hooray insecurities!
Lux and I wind up going to a party in the afternoon, and on the way, while cruising the town near where he lives, he starts for serious conversation.
"Now that it's just us in the car..."
Oh balls, we are never seriousface. I immediately steel myself over, because I don't know how to process over things like this right away, and I have no idea what to expect.
He tells me it's not fair to the beast to uproot her.
He tells me he doesn't think he could be a stepfather.
My mind races while I'm still externally at a baseline.
He tells me he really wants me to go up there with him.
He tells me that if I wasn't in the picture, he would have taken this job right away, with no mental conflict on his part.
Well, if that doesn't hit like a sledgehammer to the feels. I try to distract myself with Ingress, and keep my breathing level while I start to process. I want to say more, but I can tell that was a lot for him.
I tell him that he is right to think this is a bad time to uproot the beast, and that it would be extending beyond his means.
I tell him I wouldn't be able to stay with him right away, because of his living situation for the first while.
I tell him I will spend as much time with him as I can, and that I'm not going anywhere that he has to worry about.
What I don't tell him is that I never expect him to be any sort of father to the beast, but just to care about her. I've been through this before, and I know how weird it can be.
I don't tell him that I had no idea I was such a contributing factor to his conflict over the job.
I don't tell him that I had no idea he even felt that way about me, and that when we hug I have to keep reminding myself it's his affection I feel, and not that something is wrong with the amount of emotion coming off of him.
I don't ask if he's saying that the beast is the reason we're not actually dating.
I don't ask if the distance will be the reason we don't actually start dating.
I don't ask if he even wants to.
I don't say or ask a thousand things that go through my mind. We don't have time. We're already at his friend's place.
Hooray insecurities!
The party is fun, and calm. So much more than many of the shindigs I am used to.
We head out at a decent time, and go sit by the beach for a while. We're snuggled together the whole time, and all the things I didn't say come flooding back into my thoughts. I'm still processing everything that he said, and that he actually has the feelings for me that he apparently does.
After a little while we make the drive back to my place, and we hug for what feels like forever, and a split second before I go into the house. We keep trying to make sure the other is ok, because neither one of us quite knows how to deal with all the emotions flying around. In a way, I am more calm, and in so many others I am feel overloaded with thoughts and ideas and everything.
I'm so bad at this emotions thing.
Two sociopaths trying to feels at each other. This is the end product. A whole mess of not knowing what to say, because we're both trying to logic through.
Which he read.
At work.
While on the phone.
Yea, I probably should have realized he would do that. Oh well. He kept himself from tearing up while working, so that's good.
I told him that I just needed to keep reminding myself that he isn't anyone else that I've known, or dealt with in the past, and I need to treat it like something new. He brought up that I say the same thing to him, that I am not his past partners, when he is worried about something that has been an issue with others in the past.
Hooray insecurities! Yea, that might be a reoccurring theme of this post.
The next day he asked if he could come down after work, and invade my bed. As I am not one to say no to the chance to snuggle sexy menfolk all night, I was all for it. I figured he just needed time to clear his head after accepting the job and realizing everything that needed to get done. Snugglefucks were had, and I enjoyed a night being curled up against him.
I will take this time to let you know that I never really acknowledge the possibility of someone actually having serious feelings for me. I know me. I know my faults, and I know how difficult I can be. Any time anyone actually tells me they give a shit about me, I have to kind of stare in disbelief while I process it. It catches me so off guard, even though it may be completely obvious to everyone around me. It's fun, in a not so fun kind of way.
It also explains why I'm usually determined to do things by myself, and never expect anyone to actually do anything for me.
Hooray insecurities!
Lux and I wind up going to a party in the afternoon, and on the way, while cruising the town near where he lives, he starts for serious conversation.
"Now that it's just us in the car..."
Oh balls, we are never seriousface. I immediately steel myself over, because I don't know how to process over things like this right away, and I have no idea what to expect.
He tells me it's not fair to the beast to uproot her.
He tells me he doesn't think he could be a stepfather.
My mind races while I'm still externally at a baseline.
He tells me he really wants me to go up there with him.
He tells me that if I wasn't in the picture, he would have taken this job right away, with no mental conflict on his part.
Well, if that doesn't hit like a sledgehammer to the feels. I try to distract myself with Ingress, and keep my breathing level while I start to process. I want to say more, but I can tell that was a lot for him.
I tell him that he is right to think this is a bad time to uproot the beast, and that it would be extending beyond his means.
I tell him I wouldn't be able to stay with him right away, because of his living situation for the first while.
I tell him I will spend as much time with him as I can, and that I'm not going anywhere that he has to worry about.
What I don't tell him is that I never expect him to be any sort of father to the beast, but just to care about her. I've been through this before, and I know how weird it can be.
I don't tell him that I had no idea I was such a contributing factor to his conflict over the job.
I don't tell him that I had no idea he even felt that way about me, and that when we hug I have to keep reminding myself it's his affection I feel, and not that something is wrong with the amount of emotion coming off of him.
I don't ask if he's saying that the beast is the reason we're not actually dating.
I don't ask if the distance will be the reason we don't actually start dating.
I don't ask if he even wants to.
I don't say or ask a thousand things that go through my mind. We don't have time. We're already at his friend's place.
Hooray insecurities!
The party is fun, and calm. So much more than many of the shindigs I am used to.
We head out at a decent time, and go sit by the beach for a while. We're snuggled together the whole time, and all the things I didn't say come flooding back into my thoughts. I'm still processing everything that he said, and that he actually has the feelings for me that he apparently does.
After a little while we make the drive back to my place, and we hug for what feels like forever, and a split second before I go into the house. We keep trying to make sure the other is ok, because neither one of us quite knows how to deal with all the emotions flying around. In a way, I am more calm, and in so many others I am feel overloaded with thoughts and ideas and everything.
I'm so bad at this emotions thing.
Two sociopaths trying to feels at each other. This is the end product. A whole mess of not knowing what to say, because we're both trying to logic through.
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