Disinterest

I've always enjoyed the English language.  Written word especially is something that has been a hobby of mine, and how to correctly articulate exactly what I wish to.  I read books on grammar for fun, despite that I now cringe when listening to others speak, or reading most of what they type up. 

When I was in middle school, and high school, I made extra money editing for friends.  Sometimes it was college essays, and others it was fanfiction.  At one point I was devoting a few evenings a week to editing erotica for folks, back in my Gaia days.

I have to say that it's made me fairly numb to reading any sort of smut at this point.  No matter how descript, sexual aspects of writing tend to get me bored rather than turned on, and I find myself wanting more from it.

And that's the case with a lot of porn.  I find myself bored of it, giggling at it, or just wanting it to feel more complete.  Sexual content as a whole does very little for me, in most cases.  And it's the impersonal aspect of it. 

A friend, who is a partner of mine could write a ton of even mildly prurient statements to me, and each one will have me turned on.  I can find myself contentedly frustrated with their nudes, and unable to function while listening to their voice.  But it is their own person that has this effect. 

I received messages and pictures from people I've only barely met online, and it does nothing.  I have no real sexual attraction to them beyond the surface, no matter how pretty they are. 

However...

Damn do I love watching someone be tortured.  Even more when I get to see how much the sadist enjoys it.  The way they so meticulously tear apart the victim, and fall in love with every scream.

Oh man, it just makes me want to find someone to rip to pieces.  And that I can want to do to random people.  I will see someone pretty, and want nothing to do with them sexually, but absolutely crave seeing their face twist in agony.

This is apparently rubbing off on Lux.  Oh well!