A New Devious Chapter

When I was planning on Kitty to be here last weekend, and during my hunt for an adventure next month with he and Lux, I started just poking through different events in the area.  Looking at all the options available to find something fun. And, I found a lot of weird play events in this area.  One with such odd rules and pricing structures, it completely turned me off to them. Things like only allowing men to have "bisexual" play and sex in one room, as if their gay might start catching through the rest of the venue.  And means that any play can't possibly happen without sex being involved, or that any boy touching another boy in any fashion must mean they're gay. But, that doesn't count for girls.  Girls can grab boobs and beat up other girls wherever they want. Because, that's fair. And the pricing got me even more pissed. Single girls were free. Single men weren't allowed, even if an escort for a girl. Any couples had to be listed as being so on ...

So, there's a lot of snow on the ground.  Somewhere near two feet of snow is everywhere, and the roads still aren't clean. Last week, after doing all manner of planning and being excited, Kitty felt safest cancelling our weekend together due to the snow.  His little hybrid just can't move itself on any snow and ice, and so he didn't want to risk the trip.  Squishy also wound up staying home, because the gnome didn't want her snowed in up there. So it's been me, my parents, and squishy, and now all I want is time away from them.  Mind you, I do feel very lonely at the same time though.  All weekend, despite spending hours on the phone with Kitty, all I wanted was to snuggle up him or Lux and relax with them.  Sometimes, this distance thing is a pain in the ass. Kitty and I were fairly affectionate all weekend though, and there were many moments when we expressed just how important we are to the other's lives.  It's the kind of affection we both need...

So, I'm unfortunately not with Kitty right now.  More on that later, but instead, an update on the many other things that have happened in the last few weeks. The beast had her seventh birthday.  She got a ton of presents, and I got to meet the boy she likes from her class, which was adorable.  I hope they become good friends.  The party left me tired, but she had a good time. I've got two nights a week busy with different stuff now.  One night is for dancing with a good friend Faye, who is in a new relationship and it's adorable.  The other is with one of my wifeys, who is either going to be dancing or bringing games for us to play.  Having two evenings busy every week is a bit of a change for me again, but it's good for me to be social again, and it does help my mindset. My family is becoming to irrationally toxic toward me that it's slowly creeping into how they view and treat others as well.  They very soon are going to lose everyone around...

Thrax used to constantly refer to people as "spinning plates", which was something I hated.  Any time you compare someone to something mundane and generic, it's showing you don't see them as a complex unique being.  And always when using this, he would say that my plate was "well spun", and use it as an excuse to ignore me, thinking I was perfectly happy being on the backburner, as he spent all his time, money, and energy, attempting to woo toxic girls, despite my speaking up about issues. He was so concerned with just obtaining people, and then seeing them as taken care of just because they were present.  He would constantly neglect me, thinking I was happy despite my blatently saying otherwise. People, especially significant important partners, are not spinning plates.  They aren't something you just check in with once in a while, or put work in at the beginning, and then move onto the next.  It creates that cycle of neglect, occasionally looking and...

Last year at Flea, Lux and I brought Nessa, and he blames that weekend to be where she wound up moving away from him.  She spent the entire weekend swooning over, and making out with a couple we refer to as our stalkers, and riding the waves of odd new relationship energy that pulls her along with every new person she finds. And as Lux and I went to get dinner that night, crossing the street in the snow, we discussed her falling victim to NRE so often.  How Lux does find himself enjoying it on occasion, but not as quickly as she.  And how I don't really experience it. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  How I really don't get any sort of shiny feeling with new people.  In fact. It's sort of the opposite.  The longer someone sticks around, the more time I want to invest in them.  The more I've learned, the more I find those faults endearing, because they make that person shine.  That after years, I feel more peace and excitement to see and...

I remember a lot of my posts in my old blog that said that things would be good in a matter of time, I just needed to wait for something to happen.  Then, it would, and I'd still be waiting for something new to happen for things to be better with Thrax.  It was this empty chase, waiting for things to be good, and I stayed along because I'm stubborn, and the sparse days where things were good compared to the normal. And then, shortly after he and I broke up, I read something about not waiting.  If you have to say that things will be good with a partner when some external thing occurs, you'll always be putting weight on the relationship that everything in life needs to be perfect for things to be happy with your partner.  This constant building towards an ideal just to be able to say you and your partner are doing well. And dear gods, did that resonate with me. After the initial honeymoon period, things with Thrax and I were never good.  Waiting for something w...

With the new year comes the chance for change, and so I make a list of things I want to accomplish. Learn to make biscotti Spend more time with friends Read more Get better at arm balances Have more playtime with partners Create a more positive living space Continue getting into better physical space Improve mental health I'm in a bad mental place coming into this year, and it shows.  Here's to doing what I can to make it better in the coming months. Posted via Blogaway

The other day, while making dinner, the beast looked at me and said "[Boy] in my class sits behind me everyday because he liiiiiiiiikes me".  And, no lie, how she said it was fucking adorable.  Part of me is still denying that she's grown up enough to acknowledge the existence of any feels, but it's still cute.  She then proceeded to talk about him a ton, which is blantently pointing to her thinking she likes him, because she generally ignores the idea of male friends.  My mom pointed out then, that at her age one boy in my class was constantly following me around, and probably liked me too.  I told her I never noticed, even though we were friends, and would play/talk every day during school.  She then said that she didn't think that I realized boys and girls were different until I was about ten. My response was that I never really viewed boys and girls as different things.  Everyone is a people, and so I just treat them that way, which is why I've n...

Christmas was just the emotional clusterfuck I expected it to be.  My family, despite the reminders through several situations, forgot to get me any gifts.  Now, while I figured this would happen, and don't care much about getting things, I've talked recently on how it feels to be forgotten, and considering that I've been busting my ass to make everything they want happen, to not be a thought is a bit of a kick in the teeth. And to top it off, the beast noticed.  After opening all her gifts, she looked around at everyone sitting with boxes and bags in front of them, and me with nothing at the table.  She asked why Santa didn't bring me anything, but did for everyone else.  She said that I've been good, and took good care of her, and deserved a mountain of presents, and didn't know why Santa missed me. And my parents stayed silent, leaving me to explain to my six year old without ruining Santa, that my parents are asshats. I vented to a lot of people.  Ki...