I remember a lot of my posts in my old blog that said that things would be good in a matter of time, I just needed to wait for something to happen. Then, it would, and I'd still be waiting for something new to happen for things to be better with Thrax. It was this empty chase, waiting for things to be good, and I stayed along because I'm stubborn, and the sparse days where things were good compared to the normal.
And then, shortly after he and I broke up, I read something about not waiting. If you have to say that things will be good with a partner when some external thing occurs, you'll always be putting weight on the relationship that everything in life needs to be perfect for things to be happy with your partner. This constant building towards an ideal just to be able to say you and your partner are doing well.
And dear gods, did that resonate with me.
After the initial honeymoon period, things with Thrax and I were never good. Waiting for something with work, or a visit, or holidays, or whatever. I was constantly sacrificing everything possible, to be damn near miserable trying to find that happiness, and getting more and more frequently treated like shit. It was unhealthy, and abusive, and now that I've had enough time away from that, I'm very aware of it.
So, anyway, I was on the phone with Kitty a few weeks ago, and he was talking about the move. About how things with he and his partner aren't doing well with all the stress of the move. Then he said that it had been that way for a few months.
Around when they moved in together.
And that when Fox (his partner) got back together with their ex, it caused him a ton of issues which causes frequent blowups, and has been a regular problem for him.
They have only just barely hit the one year mark. But yet he goes on to say that when things are good, they're really good. He's saying that maybe four months out of the first year of a relationship have been good, after just getting out of an emotionally abusive dynamic.
And he wants to move somewhere that he's completely alone with them, and totally restart his life again.
Cue my panic and rage.
I've been thinking on it more and more, about what I read, and how that chase is very apparent here. And I am so completely worried about him.
He comes to visit next weekend, and we'll be talking a lot about things. I really don't want to have to give him that reality check, but it's going to have to happen.
When it comes to both him and Lux, even though we all have serious stress in our lives, how things are with either of them are wonderful. Life of course affects the way we behave in some manner, but I'm never waiting for things to be better. Maybe time to do more with them, maybe to see them in better spirits because something has resolved, but I'm never waiting for our dynamics to be ideal due to outside occurrences. They are fantastic, treat me consistently well, and I could not be happier with them.
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