Prior to this weekend with Lux, it had been a really long time with the absolute minimum affection, and time with partners.
I wanted sex of course, and snuggles, and just contact. However, I found myself realizing I wanted very specific things.
After the rope time with Kitty, I wanted connective, primal violence. I wanted those endorphins, and contact, and sensation. To be left tired, and feeling connected, my body overstimulated, and my mind floating in catharsis. That rope just didn't do it, and it left me craving what would.
I've wanted those quiet intimate evenings with my partners. Time when Lux and I curl up mostly naked, playing video games and being silly. With lots of sex breaks, and just being us and enjoying that. Time with Kitty where we turn on a movie, and snuggle up, eventually making out like teenagers, and giggling more than anything else.
There have been random nights where I've gone to bed and just wanted someone there to wrap myself around. I thought about it the first time it happened, and realized that span was the longest I'd ever spent without sharing a bed with someone since I had just turned 16. I would share a bunk with whoever I was dating at my larp, and if I was single, I was snuggled up with Kitty. After the gnome, I had a friend I would spend several nights a week with before Thrax and I started dating. After Thrax, there was a few people I would snuggle up with before Lux and I became friends. It's an odd thing to realize, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. What I do know though, is that being snuggled up with a partner for a night is something that's been kind of important to me for a long part of my life.
The most basic sorts of affection were missing for far too long. I'm glad to be fixing it.
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