Doki Doki

I found out about a new game recently, a horror game under the guise of a dating simulator. 

When you first boot it up, you get about a dozen warnings not to play if you are easily disturbed or have depression.  Right up my alley for things I enjoy.

Well, given that there are far different paths to take, I figured I would watch what a "normal" run looks like, then go through and do the more complete path.

At one point, one of the girls confesses that she has always had depression, and that she likes reading things about various emotions because it's the closest she can get to feeling things.  That if she's not feeling nothing, she's feeling pain.  She explains in deep detail how this all affects her, and her reactions to having to admit this to someone.

And I scroll down, and see comments.

They all agree with that feeling.  They agree with how that absence of feeling no matter what they do is far too fitting to their own experience.

I've been talking to some friends a lot of how toxic and abusive my parents are.  How I often think I'm just depressed.

But that made some things clear.

I don't have the depression they talk about.  This isn't a case of mental illness.  I can still feel a spectrum of emotion, and more vibrantly the further I am from them.  I'm capable of feeling happy and loved and appreciated, but also aware of that stark difference when I'm being treated like shit.

I suppose that's one of the biggest parts of the abusive trap.  When you get so used to feeling shitty, and not seeing the outside things, you start to just think it's your own brain, even when you know it's them.

But it's not my brain.  I'm not who they say I am, and I'm not what they try to force me to be.  And I am reminded, yet again, of how strong I am for remembering to see me and know that I'm still here despite them.