Amusingly Insecure

 January meant all the birthdays, and the end of the holidays here.  Being at the end of that chunk of time takes a good amount of weight off of me, because I no longer have to juggle anywhere near as much.  But while I was making sure every holiday happened as smoothly as possible with my mother forgetting everything constantly, my brother only made it to Channukah and his own birthday.

So on Squishy's birthday, he was here and finally got handed his Christmas gifts, and everything from his stocking.  He was going through it, happy with all of it, until he pulled a chapstick out of the bag.  My mom had picked up a big pack of them, all different candy flavors, and so rather than dump a dozen chapsticks into Squishy's stocking, I divvied them out among everyone, making sure each stocking got a flavor that person would like.  As far as I was concerned, a lip balm is something everyone can use, especially through winter when everything dries out.

And as he pulled out that Tootsie Roll flavored lip balm, which is one of his favorite candies, he tossed it down on the table, and said that he refused to touch it.  When we said that it was just a lip balm for if his lips get cracked, he said that he would rather walk around with his lips bleeding, than put on lipstick.  

This is also the same person who sides with my father on being the problem of everything, and often being worse, and in that moment, I was quietly amused.  Someone so ignorant and full of hate, was also so insecure that he would rather walk around with a small but literal open wound, than put the thing on it that would help, because it might be mistaken as makeup, which is more traditionally feminine.

He is also the same person who told me when I was a teenager to dress differently, because he was tired of explaining to his friends that he didn't have a younger brother.

Maybe the problem isn't the item.  Maybe the problem isn't what's happening.  Maybe, the problem is the fear and insecurity controlling everything they do.