In the past month or so, I've managed to have a lot of small moments that really hit hard. For the most part, they've been really positive, so I want to make sure that I share them here. They're all a bit different though, which makes me think they'd all make decent posts individually.
The first one happened when Lux was here near July 4th. The week prior I was doing a heavy clean up on my room, and put together all the things that were his that he had forgotten forever, because I was just holding them aside in various places. Since I was trying to really sort through things, I made up a little bag of it all, and the book I had suggested he read, to give to him when I saw him.
And because I am made of anxiety, I worried about doing this. That he would take the wrong idea from it, and think I was cutting ties in whatever way. I had second thoughts on giving him back his own things, because I was worried about how he would respond.
When he got here though, once we went out to the truck to get his bags, he mentioned that he had done the same thing, and had a bag with some of my own things with him. A small bag with a handful of random items that I had left there, all things I had left with him for a good while.
I laughed, and told him that I had done the same, but felt anxious about it. He said that I was silly for thinking he would respond that way, and we brought things inside.
It was a small response, and a mundane gesture, but it helped me loads. I realized that things like that were born from the insecure, abusive relationships I had always been exposed to, and we were nowhere near that. We had built a secure place that ideas such as those were unwarranted, and I didn't have to worry about truly innocent gestures.
Every so often I need moments like these to remind me of just how much of my anxiety comes from my past, and not from where I am now.
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