Crispy

 I'm fried.

Since coming home from my trip to see Lux, only a couple of days after I got home, I've had more and more piled onto me that's put my stress levels through the roof.  Squishy has been behaving similarly to last summer, with some even worse things happening, and the gnome is just now realizing what she was doing, reacting poorly toward her which is making things worse, and now minimizing what I dealt with because he had to deal with a whole week at a shot of her being difficult.

My parents have been horrendous lately.  I've been trying to manage things happening, and reminding my mother of dates and things that need to be done, and she's either not giving an answer to things until the last minute (then getting upset when someone can't make it to something), or completely ignoring time and what is happening when.  It's made harder because where I can take things on to help, and have generally done so, I need this information from her in order to know where to go with things.

Then the other day, she actively bullied me into saying yes to applying for a job that someone at her work does (yes, that person works two jobs, think about that throughout this).  When I looked at things, and thought about it afterward, I just felt worse and worse.  After having a day where my anxiety levels were so high that I had vertigo, I was more or less non-functional while trying to process this.  I spent the morning trying to figure out a way to confront her, and made a plan to tell her that this job wasn't a great idea, with multiple reasons, perspective within those reasons, and a counterplan.  When I told her, she said my idea was shit, and that I was never going to find better than a job I didn't want, that wouldn't ever pay a living wage, and would be detrimental to my physical and mental health (as seen when the other woman took it on).  Great, cool, glad to see such faith in me.  

They really don't believe that anything other than a traditional going to work type job actually counts as anything, and with how much they've actively tried to sabotage me (and my mother was already in the process of) I know that I'm never going to actively succeed while I'm living with them.  Throughout that day, I was reminded of all the years that I just wanted to pack a bag and walk out the door, and never see them again.  Just cut all ties and try to disappear from their lives.  If I didn't have Squishy, I probably would have done it years ago, and it would be interesting to see what it did for me.

On top of it all, my friend who was going to be selling my things has completely dropped the ball on trying to actually move product, and shows zero drive in accomplishing any of the things she says she wants.  She believes it's all just going to magically appear, and even though I've been trying to help her with the steps, she's doing little with that help, and so Pyre and I are both pulling out of it.  It's had me anxious, but I'm trying to work with it and find alternatives.

I'm feeling crushed lately.  Emotionally absent in a way that's becoming near harmful.  I need to find opportunity to put myself in a more positive space, and start making progress on things.