While I'm aware of a lot of things outside of the heteronormative space, it often takes the right example to have something make sense. And while it took time for me to learn about my own polyamoury, lack of gender, and demisexuality, apparently there's still more to learn.
After I last saw Puppy, he sent me an animation with someone coming out as Aromantic. While I've been aware of it for the longest time, I didn't think that it was something that applied. I've spoken about not enjoying most traditionally romantic things, but had always thought I was capable of romantic feelings. I mean, I'd had relationships, felt attached to people, and the like.
But watching this cartoon, more and more spoke out to me, and then I went looking on my own, and things started becoming clearer.
I've never felt that sensation of butterflies and fireworks. While capable of connection, everyone who I've ever been really attached to was an incredibly close friend first. It made a feeling of safety, and calm, rather than that fuzzy unique feeling you read about.
All of my relationships until my mid twenties were prompted by the other person. We started spending time, and they got attached. Because I wanted to build a friendship, there was the desire to learn more about them, which I had thought was the infatuation stage of the attachment cycle. I went into those relationships because I had thought I had feelings for them. Most of them fizzled out quickly as I was accused of just feeling like we were friends and not special, which I never had a problem with, and didn't understand the alternative. The ones that lasted longer (and I hadn't taken the time to build a friendship with), it was consistent that the other person was afraid to be alone. Likewise, because most of those relationships kept me from talking to new people, kept me from forging new friendships, or strengthening a lot of old ones, which is why I thought I was monoamorous for the longest time.
Without fail, anyone I've ever had interest in at the surface, as soon as I got to know them noticed it go away. There was no magical connection, just an empty concept. Something that worked hand in hand with my demisexuality, was that it took friendship, and the patience of building that for me to have any attraction.
When I think about relationships, I never picture that happily ever after perfect future. There is no settling down with hearts and birds chirping forever. There is the idea of sharing stories, and making memories. There's getting to live our own lives, then come together, celebrate, support, and share. Even in my ideas of polyamoury, my closest friends hold the importance similar to partners, and would get just as much presence and care if needed.
Maybe what I thought was a crush growing up, was just the desire to learn about someone. And while I thought I'd felt romantic love, with nothing to compare against, was love, but of a platonic sort. This may be a little on the sad side, because there are things I can't feel or experience like the majority of people, it's relaxing to know as I navigate things in the future. I know what I can bring to the table. I know what I can offer people, and what they should expect. I know what I should pursue, and what I'm capable of, and I'm happy about that.
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