Remember how I said I had a lot of adventures at the end of June? Well, as of writing this I'm only a couple of days in, and damn if it hasn't already been a trip.
Puppy showed up on the Sunday evening after he was done with father's day obligations. I was still having the off moments of feeling unsure around him from the weekend prior. Even when we were curled up watching one of my favorite anime, I never quite got comfortable. After everything that had happened lately, I wound up exhausted early, and we got to bed, where I slept like a rock.
The next morning, Puppy and I had sex, and while I wasn't quite into it, things were a little better than the weekend before, so I attributed it to my overall mental state, and trucked along. The morning went quietly enough, although the gnome pulled some annoyances that I should have expected, and got us out the door a but later than planned.
And then the universe started throwing bricks at me. While only just crossing the bridge into Pennsylvania, Puppy and I got into a car accident. It wasn't major, but enough to shake us both up, and certainly enough that I wasn't quite comfortable with what was going on. I tried to shake it off, also wanting to be present for Puppy while he was more than stressed. We borrowed his roommates car to do the last errands we needed to, and then went to try and relax at all.
But it never quite happened. We started watching a show we'd been saving to see together, and he poured me one of my favorite bourbons. I think after the day though, my mind just didn't want anything messing with it, and so it took me all evening to get through even a single pour. And when we went to bed, we started to have sex again.
And here's the thing. Puppy is honestly vanilla. He tiptoes around kink like people who try to think they're "spicy" without any of the education or knowledge of safety. I've tried to guide him towards doing things safely for the past eight months, mentioning why it's so important, and he kept saying that it wasn't to do the things in a kink way, but just something he did. It didn't matter either way to me, so I continued to try and make sure I was keeping things safe for myself. But it just takes one.
So this time, when he put his hand on my neck, I couldn't get my arm out and around to help adjust his grip, and so all his weight when into the web of his thumb, right at the top center of my throat.
I both heard and felt a pop.
It didn't matter in that moment that he was twice my size. Before I knew what exactly was done, I shoved him off me. While he was concerned of whether it would bruise, I was checking my range of motion. I could barely move my head without some amount of discomfort. Upon touching the area that I'd felt the pop, it didn't feel like it was swelling at all. When I started speaking, and mentioned that saying more than a few words started getting painful, he just told me not to talk, not understanding at all that I was seeing if any major damage had been done.
He then, in an almost grumpy tone said that he was done for the night, and that was the moment that I knew I couldn't talk to him about what had happened. He was looking for pity, and that wasn't something he was getting from me. I just wanted to go to sleep and see how everything felt in the morning.
And so I tried to sleep, but everything hour or so I would wake up and want to check how I felt. I could still swallow, albeit things felt sore. Moving my head wasn't happy. It wasn't going to be something I could shrug off. So when we woke up, and he went to finish filing things for the car, I messaged Rabbit to update him on what happened. He tried to be patient with me, but said that he wanted to get me out of there.
So this is when I realized the trauma response was kicking in. Rather than getting out and saving my own ass at all costs, I was afraid of how that would affect him. So I sat quietly crying, making sure to wipe away tears in frequent small motions to not be obvious. I made sure Rabbit didn't call, and wrestled with my own mind, then eventually sent him the address, without actually telling him to be here.
And so I made sure Puppy would be gone when Rabbit showed up. I put myself together quickly after he left, so I could get everything collected and downstairs.
So I'm with him now, safe, and feeling far better. Rabbit said that if there was any visible damage, he wouldn't have been anywhere near as gentle about the situation. He also says he's just keeping me for the full window of time, which I'm ok with. The universe seems to be handing me more peace when I'm here anyway.
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