Declaration

 The movie we went to see by the way was Clerks Three.  As we're both from Jersey, all the Kevin Smith movies are important parts of our culture.  Specifically for this series, it's all a testament to different stages of life, with characters who aren't the most proactive.  They're flawed, but they're loyal, and they all have very different stories.

It turned out to be more sad than we expected, and when we went home, we thought about the loss that occurred, and how that made us feel about things that have happened with us.  I gave Rabbit directions back to my place, and when we got on the highway, I started thinking.  One of the biggest themes in all of the movies is showing ambition.  Not waiting until a perfect moment, but being proactive in deciding what you want, and taking the risk, because you don't know what'll happen.

So when we got back to the house, and curled up in bed, we talked about it.  I told him that I didn't know how I was going to deal with having a relationship nearby until I was in it, but if I was ok with finding a new partner a year ago, and two years ago, I should be just as ready now.  He assured me that he still wanted to get through the house before anything was official, and that included getting his roommate moved into a different part of the house so he could have the entire downstairs.  We were both happy, and snuggled up tighter for sleep.

He then woke up with a cold, and was in no state to go home, let alone work the full day.  It meant that the day after making such a decision, I would be taking care of him while he not only had a cold, but he was also quitting cigarettes.  It was only the first couple of days, so he was just starting the hacking and coughing that happens when your body rejects all the tar in the lungs.  Clearly, the most attractive and enticing state to see someone.  The next day he felt well enough to go home, and that weekend called friends over to help him clean the entire house.  

One of the friends was told, but not the other.  There's one friend of his who has had feelings for him a while now, but for a host of reasons he is unattracted to.  He's also Rabbit's subordinate at work, which creates ethical reasons not to be involved.  He often disappears when I'm around and we do anything blatant, which makes the fact that we all play D&D together a bit difficult.  Rabbit wanted to avoid having him around so that he didn't have to hide the decision, but also wanted to just tell him and get it over with.

I wanted to hold him to the things he said he would get done, both because the drive to get it finished is more than I think I'd ever seen someone do for me, and because it might be the right fire under his roommate to get him to move his things more quickly.  So when he visited me the next week, he was giddy like a kid.  All the anxious nerves of the previous two weeks was gone, and we were both just happy that things had a definite timeline.  

And I noticed myself smiling more than I had in years.  Where I had previously noticed that I was trying to talk myself out of this, I couldn't help but be happy with the decision now that it was made.  I had finally realized something that I wanted, completely.  And there were so many little moments where I couldn't help but feel even better with how he was treating me.  At every turn he was either expressing sympathy for the things that I'd always dealt with, or showing me how much he wanted to do for me, not to woo me in any way, but because it was what he would just do for someone he is attached to.

The following week, even though it was only a few days, was the first time that I realized that I missed him.  I let myself feel, and stopped trying to talk myself into or out of anything.  And while it still wasn't the floaty butterflies, it was a calm and encompassing happiness.  And then, the next time where something I truly wanted came to mind.  I decided that I was done waiting for arbitrary gestures to declare anything.  I wanted to be able to say we had a relationship, and not wait on anyone or anything else.

So when we were on the phone discussing something else, I brought that up to him.  The immediate change in his voice was absolutely endearing.  I could hear him bouncing around, and he was play singing cheesy things about us being together officially.  We just agreed not to tell his roommate, so he would still be more likely to get things moved faster.

And later that night, he went to dinner at with his mom, and told her.