Scrying

 It was just after the start of the school year, and Rabbit was at my place for what was seeming to turn into a weekly visit.  We sat on the porch Wednesday morning after Squishy had gone off to catch the bus, and I definitely noticed that he was a little off.  And we sat there, curled up, sipping coffee, when he told me he had something to say.  He prefaced it by saying he was aware that it was full of red flags, then told me that he had some feels.  He said that he would be ok if I didn't want to see him for a while, but wanted to make sure he told me, because he always wants to be transparent with me.

He explained that when he realized the feels were there, he took apart the thoughts, and did some introspection to see if it was real.  To see if it was some sort of physical or emotional rebound.  Every time he followed a trail, he realized needs had been met elsewhere earlier.  At the end of the line, was just that he liked the dynamic that was forming between us, and that it's the kind of things he's looking for.

So I told him that while I definitely didn't want him gone (at the very least, we had movie tickets for the next week) we needed time before we could make a decision on anything.  We were both to a point compromised, and needed to sort things out.  He agreed, and double checked on everything.  I assured him that I still wanted to see him, and that I had some feels cooking as well.  I pulled him into a hug, and a long week began.

Over the next few days we talked about a lot of things.  Concerns regarding my being polyamorous, having Squishy, my being Aromantic, aspects of independence versus joining lives, and all the other little things that happen when people might be looking at complex alternative relationships.

I was damn near in tears one day when he realized how much thought he put into things with Squishy.  That he wanted to make sure he wasn't just taking over as a father, but wanted to be able to provide or be there for her.  That he made the decision that we couldn't do anything official until the house was finished so that if she was there, she'd have somewhere to sleep.  He was one of only two people to ever really consider her into the equation of being with me, rather than just using it against me, and that thoughtfulness meant worlds.

It wasn't until the next time I saw him though, that I was faced with the big one.  While I had mostly thrown things at him to process, when we talked about the idea of being ready for new relationships, I was hit like a brick.  I had lived for almost a decade in only long distance relationships.  I was now looking at something that wouldn't only require digital presence, but also regular in person time and spoons.  I would have someone around me a lot, and I realized that was going to be massively different than what I was now used to.  Someone sharing, present, curious, and having needs and wants right near by.

We talked about taking time, but being afraid of holding back because we never know when we feel ready.

And then we went to the movie.