Caught Off-Guard

 I'm only writing this halfway through October, but enough has happened in the first few weeks of dating Rabbit that I can definitely talk about it.

Right after we became official was the new year.  Even though he had work, and also had plans for the holiday (Yes, my mother is overjoyed that I found a nice Jewish boy) he played with his schedule to leave as early as possible and come to my place for a few hours.  I felt anxious about it as he talked about wanting to drive out here. 

I've always had people use the things they do against me.  Like it's an excuse to do things that hurt later, because they stored up some good deeds earlier.  He assured me that this wasn't the case, and that he wanted to put into the holiday what he wanted to get out of the coming year, which was happiness and time with me.  And after almost a decade of someone who I invited to everything, and never showed, that hit hard.

And we had a couple of hours where even though I hadn't told my parents we were official yet, we got to just curl up and enjoy a holiday.  He went home late, with every intention to be back out here the next day, and so we had our normal couple of days.  I told my mom during that time when he was back at work, and she was happy, and amused with everything going on.  During that visit, he went to change his social media status, and I mentioned that mine was set to private.  At first he set it without adding me, and said that he didn't need to make any public announcement, and respected my wanting privacy.

I sat with that, and thought.  For so long I was told not to share anything.  I made things private because I didn't want to deal with questions from others.  Didn't want scrutiny.  Because Lux refused to ever accept any sort of official relationship due to his own insecurity, it stayed that way, and as far as I was concerned that was ok, as I was enough.  But I had someone I could show off now, who wanted to show me off.  I had someone who wanted to do the things others were afraid to.  I had someone who wanted to sign on for all of me, and everything that entails.  So I immediately went through and changed mine while adding him.  He confirmed it, and later that day, because I realized that I liked having someone that I could be public with, changed my status to be visible to everyone.

And then, while we spent almost a week together, things happened with both of us.  Weird moments where we realized how bad things used to be, because we had so much better now.  Where we realized we really were in this together, committed, and happy to just share ourselves.  I thought about my aversion to possessiveness, and how now it's endearing and welcomed.  How we don't find anything about each other to be these horrible life ruining things like our exes did.  And we would just have times of being in tears as we accepted what we had dealt with, and what we had now.

It knocked us on our asses, yes.  Now though, we're full of gratitude for having what we do.