Just before Halloween, Rabbit was over for an extra day because he needed an extra day before going back to work. We spent the day working on personal things, and spending time curled up together. While it didn't mean another night together (he had work the next morning) it did mean an extra twelve hours before saying goodbye for the week.
And during that time, at one point I started sharing examples of things that have happened in my home. How I'm treated by my parents, and the situation I'm living in. And I realized, while talking about it, that I started feeling more anxious.
I noticed that even though he was being supportive, and telling me that he was here for good and bad, and asking what I might need in the moment, I was wishing I'd never said a word. My mind could only go to Lux telling me that he couldn't deal with my home life. That it was too much for him, and how he would disappear whenever things got bad. I was so worried that I would lose this new love, because my parents were absolute shits, and he wouldn't want to be involved with it.
While things with Lux were in many ways healthier than my previous two relationships, I realize how much anxiety it gave me. How much I had to tiptoe around everything for whatever he needed. I couldn't be too excited, or too needy, or too upset. I just sort of had to be there, in whatever form he was willing to accept, and now I know that it wasn't ok. And I know that there were times where I should have been more patient with him, but also times when I should have called him out more. Times when I needed to make the space to have a bit of a reality check.
But knowing that it's going to be a bit before I find all the things that he let creep in, that one's a little hard.
Luckily, Rabbit is in the same boat, and we're both prepared to be lovingly present through all of it.
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