Rabbit comes by for at least one night a week, so we can spend time together. Where many weeks, we wind up with fun plans of things we want to share with each other, some weeks are just for relaxing. Last week was supposed to just be calm and quiet before holidays hit, but we decided on some short errands anyway.
He got caught up talking with my father after Squishy left for school, and because that seemed to be eating up a lot of our morning, I opted to head upstairs when they went to the basement, and grab a quick rinse. I took what honestly felt like a normal length shower just for a quick wash, got out, and started assembling myself. While brushing my teeth, I heard the doorknob, saw the door crack, then heard the saddest sounds as it closed again. Rabbit was hoping he would make it into the bathroom with enough time for us to shower together, but alas, was too slow.
I finished putting myself together, making sure to have time to brush his hair, and give him some comfort. He made comments about my putting up with him, and while I reassured him that it wasn't the case. I reminded him that my level of productivity is a survival mechanism, and well beyond what most people are capable of. I told him that the only thing that sometimes perks up in my brain is his time management and some things surrounding that, and told him that I'm also aware that he was avoiding actually living in his home, and is retraining himself to take care of everything again. I brought up that his friend who also lives in the house doesn't help, which isn't encouraging, and that I know he needs more incentive than knowing he'll feel better when it's done in order to really get started.
That level of understanding seemed comforting to him, and gave us something to work towards in order to help him feel less overwhelmed both at home and in general. We then got on the road, and, realizing that our initial plan wouldn't work, we went to the local bagel place for breakfast. In order to make up for things, I suggested getting an absolutely ridiculous sandwich they offer, which we had talked about splitting at some point. After giggling at the absurdity of watching it get made, we went, ate it, ran errands, and were generally silly.
On the ride home, the conversation moved another time to things like ballets and broadway plays. I had mentioned never seeing one before, and only having gone to a couple of small productions. I explained that I had people, including family promise me over and again that we would go, and it just never happened. He mentioned that it would change, and when he asked what I wanted to see, I told him that I had no idea, because after so many empty promises, my mind stopped thinking about it as a thing, and just stopped having preference on it. He felt badly in that moment, learning again, how much of my own mind has had to adjust for my past.
And as we got home, he mentioned things his ex would do, and how hard it hit him over time. I mentioned how it would be more useful if he could navigate super local things by me a little easier, because he doesn't have the object permanence to navigate well. This hit hard, even after I clarified that my mind takes things as "Oh, this isn't your strong point, but is one of mine, so it's my job regardless of the existence of GPS".
When we got inside, we made our way upstairs, took care of something little, and he curled up on the floor. I curled up with him, and realized his brain was having a hard time, and when he said he was trying to stay out of the way, I hugged him more, and gave him lots of reassurance that he is just who he needs to be, and just who I want to have. We then got around to having tea, which helped his brain, and got him in a better spot.
He unfortunately had to leave extra early to help a friend though, and so we didn't get around to any of the relaxing things we wanted to do. We felt a little sad, but it happens. The thing that hit harder though, was afterwards when my brain was looking at all the things I've dealt with. All the ways my brain has adapted to live with disappointment and be ok with it. The ways I've learned to just do without, and ignore things I may have wanted in the past in order to not break more. How many times people have disregarded me, conveniently forgotten, or tossed me aside.
It's a hard time of year, and it finally hit.
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