While I could talk about the holidays here, and everything entailed with that, it's the first post of the new year, so I think it's a good time to look at how different my life is compared to when I was writing and reflecting one year ago.
And hell, so much has changed. While in many ways, I'm still me, and this is still my life, my everyday is incredibly different.
Someone who I thought would be around forever dropped me like a wet towel. Did the exact thing that was done to him, and couldn't even talk to me about it. I found out that he was sneaking around, hiding things, and who knows what else, and I surely hope that eventually life catches up and he gets what he deserves.
I gave someone else a second chance, and he couldn't see how clung on he was. When I fell further away, he grabbed on tighter, and when he nearly murdered me, he tried to make himself the victim. It was a tie that went from adjusting and loosening, to cutting and ridding myself of altogether.
I started multiple online stores this year. Things I juggle amidst everything else, and helps me professionally. It also encourages me to work on very different things than I have. I've also moved my recordings to youtube, which will hopefully grow my audience faster, and help that along.
Squishy isn't doing the best in school, and it's frustrating in a way that the beginning of the pandemic was. She still doesn't really how the people she keeps affect her, and so she still doesn't have the best taste in others.
I lost track of a lot of habits that we good for me, because of all the changes to my everyday. I'm hoping to pick them back up in the coming year, and balance them in with everything else, now that I'm back to managing my time a lot better.
And the biggest one, is that I've gotten myself a new partner who actually wants to be involved in my life. We're both broken people in many ways, with a lot of trauma in our pasts, so with his being more fresh, I'm able to help him know what to expect, and we're both able to be patient with each other. It's actually a relationship born from healthy connection and affection, and every day we're more grateful for each other.
I've learned just how much I've put my own wants or needs aside in the past for what someone else wants. How much of what I do is a defensive mechanism, and how I'm actually allowed to want, and allowed to ask. It's hit home many times just how different things are, and what I allowed myself to exist in before, and how much I appreciate it being different.
My mind is still dealing with the fact that there's no catch here. There's no secrets behind my back, and I'm allowed to just have a partner in life that makes me happy without any harm. There's so many times where my mind tells me to run, because I can't possibly have something that makes me happy without there being something that'll bite me in the ass. It's hit me like a truck a few times to realize that my past has caused me so much harm to make me think I need to run from something because it makes me happy.
May this year bring more change from that harm, and help my mind heal from things that I didn't even know were still there.
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