Wired for Love

 One of the biggest conversations that Rabbit and I had coming up to the decision to be together, was one about polyamory.  While I've had multiple serious partners before, and made sure to put effort into all of them, he's only ever had open relationships where he had one serious connection, and the freedom to have sex with others.  In fact, the few times he had a partner who asked for additional relationships, they wound up hurting him, or abandoning him soon after.

And that's an entirely valid reason to not feel safe with trying.  Still, whenever the subject came up, I mentioned that he might feel different if he saw he was still being taken care of.  Constantly with the thought process that he might change.  While he didn't seem opposed, he was definitely uncomfortable, and I only realized a couple of weeks after the last time that it came up how self centered the idea was.

Sure, I may be capable of polyamory, I don't actually know if I need it.  I've never felt drawn to finding multiple partners, but just that I had balanced things enough to feel like if another one came around I could take care of everyone else, and them as well.  The only time when I felt like I might want an additional partner was when the ones I had didn't have time for me, and needs weren't being met.  When I had enough time to feel loved and cared for, I never gave the idea a second thought.

Perhaps, I was trying to fill gaps rather than acknowledge my own needs. Maybe I was doing the thing too many people do wrong, and try to have a second partner to save my first.  In this case though, they were two people who I did love, but neither one was actually invested.  I don't want to invalidate my feelings for them, but it definitely makes the relationships more difficult to analyze.  

I still like the idea of being open to loving multiple people.  I like that for both of us, because we should feel secure in ourselves and that freedom.  I also think that if we do put the care into each other that I know we're capable of, we won't feel a need for more.  And if someone else never comes around, then we're happily just the two of us, without anything beyond that.

It's hard to explain in totality, honestly.    I don't feel trapped, don't feel any urge, or anything else.  I feel like the option should be there though, regardless of whether or not it's utilized.