Attack of the Feels

 I spent a weekend that I initially wasn't planning to with Rabbit again.  Well, we were planning on it, to the point of him initially taking the weekend off of work.  When we both got the plague however, I suggested he swap to his normal work schedule, and I would stay home to try and get more caught up on things.  Then he mentioned his parents wanting to have a talk with me before we left the country about expectations and all, and because we didn't know when they were leaving, we decided it was best for me to go with him again.

Well, his parents aren't leaving for almost another month, so we didn't need to rush, but it was a good dinner to have with them.  I'll be there in the middle of Passover, so we'll have the whole talk then.  There was a funny moment though, when his father said that I need to start speaking Hebrew, and I told him I was working on it, having never mentioned that I was learning previously.  He asked how it was coming along, and I just told him "Not good" and he laughed and we moved on.

I should have gotten more work done over the weekend, but it was hard to really find much motivation.  However, I got ahead on some reading that I had wanted to do.  I was in the middle of a chapter that had one character coming to a realization that they avoid doing emotional labor in relationships, can't be active and do the work, or share in the vulnerability that is necessary for interpersonal growth.  While reading it, in many ways it clicked with me, that while Rabbit pours his heart out, shares his feelings, and lets me know as many details as possible about things, there are many times where I can't do the same.

In many ways, I was reminded of a couple of months ago, where I had a week of anxiety with my brain spinning on the what ifs, self imposed limitations, and overly detailed self reliance.  I skirted around the concept, which in some ways made sense given all of the context, but I couldn't even share with him those fears, due to the compound anxiety that he would find it too much.

Let me repeat that.  I couldn't tell my boyfriend, who I want to share my life with, and genuinely feel secure in, about the self imposed details of my thoughts, because of past experiences where my own anxiety was too much.  Even though it was details of us sharing a life together, I couldn't share that, because I was too afraid to show vulnerability.

When that hit, it hit hard.  And when he got home, I shared with him more, and then started to tell him some of the details, minus maybe one particular one.  Over the following days we talked about it a few more times, each one getting to share more, until we solidified that no matter what we do together, we will do it in our own time, and in the way that makes us both happiest.  

Healthy relationships are hard, and take work, and after everything we've dealt with, can be scary as hell, but holy fuck are they worth it.