A New Devious Chapter

 I've had a lot of general anxiety lately, over the past weeks and months, creeping into almost every day.  It makes it difficult to get through a lot of things, with the chasing feelings of guilt, shame, and lack of worth.  Needless to say, it makes a just getting through the day an uphill battle some days, and there's only so much I can do to help. Just before heading to Rabbit for this long month, I was reminded of something called a "Glimmer" which is like the opposite of a trigger.  It brings joy to see, hear, or experience, in it's truest form.  While anxiety means that sometimes it's hard to remember these things exist, or that I should seek them out, I've been thinking about them more, and trying to remember to keep them on hand. Simple things like reading a fun book, or blasting weird music.  Getting to play with recipes, or find new projects.  The feel and smell of leather, or getting to enjoy a cigar.  Sweet fresh fruit, or just getting...

There's been some weird things going on in my brain leading up to this long visit with Rabbit.  I'd been coming to grips with how much I was people pleasing, and losing track of my ability to figure out and feel the things that I actually want.  It's had me second guessing a lot, for a lot of reasons. I had times when I doubted how I felt about Rabbit as a whole.  Leading up to telling him about the beans, and eventually ordering them, I had that digging excitement that I wanted to tell him, and I was so excited about the decision.  Worrying about when, or how to say it, and everything in the vein.  The day I told him I felt more sure of it than anything before in my life.  And then as the couple of months after it went on, that digging excitement left, and as the novelty of our relationship has worn off with a big trip under our belts, and real life taking the forefront, there's less of that constant giddy love in my brain all the time. And it had me think...

The day that Rabbit was feeling overwhelmed, we first went to drop off something to my brother.  Squishy had plans to go meet friends, so we didn't have to be up and moving super early like we normally would during the school year.  When we did get out the door though, we initially had plans, but it didn't quite work out.   However, while on the ride, I don't remember what prompted it, but something came up that had Rabbit saying about how he didn't need group sex anymore because he had me, and that I wasn't interested in it.  I told him that regardless of me, if he wanted to do something, we'd figure out a safe way to go about it that made us both comfortable and happy.  He assured me that if he wanted to, he would tell me, and that he understood that I wouldn't provide everything he might ever want, just like how I couldn't do some things for him.  Then he gave the example that he couldn't do impact the way I want, because I don't see him that ...

 After the weekend of madness that was Rabbit's birthday and my parents travelling, I had what I was hoping to be a little over a month until my next big thing.  With Squishy having the idea that living with the gnome will magically make everything better, I decided to send her there for a month.  It would be longer than a visit, and would actually give her an idea of what it would be like living there.  Rabbit immediately saw that as a chance for me to spend a long time with him, and while initially I was planning on doing a few days at home first, it would be a long process to get to that. At the beginning of the month there was a scramble to get things done at Rabbit's place.  He has been on his last thread with the friend who moved in at the beginning of the pandemic, for many reasons, and recently made the decision to let two other friends move in.  That did however mean moving himself from having a bedroom and a music room to just having one room down...