There's been some weird things going on in my brain leading up to this long visit with Rabbit. I'd been coming to grips with how much I was people pleasing, and losing track of my ability to figure out and feel the things that I actually want. It's had me second guessing a lot, for a lot of reasons.
I had times when I doubted how I felt about Rabbit as a whole. Leading up to telling him about the beans, and eventually ordering them, I had that digging excitement that I wanted to tell him, and I was so excited about the decision. Worrying about when, or how to say it, and everything in the vein. The day I told him I felt more sure of it than anything before in my life. And then as the couple of months after it went on, that digging excitement left, and as the novelty of our relationship has worn off with a big trip under our belts, and real life taking the forefront, there's less of that constant giddy love in my brain all the time.
And it had me thinking, if I even do love him. Am I just showing affection because he wants it? Do I just respond to things because it'll make him happy? Some really hard hitting things were happening in my mind that had me unsure of everything.
I've had to look at things from the outside a lot. I've had to look at my own behaviors and see what I'm doing. Beyond that, often my Instagram feed gives me cute relationship things, and I will see little videos that explain that healthy love isn't always that constant butterflies. It ebbs and flows, and leads into the choice of love. What is important is how we treat things as a baseline.
No matter what, when we first wake up, and we finally sleep at night, we want to hold each other. Even if we're exhausted, we want to have that snuggled up contact, and without even thinking about it, we will kiss each other and show affection as a way to bookend our day. When I see him after a long day at work, I often can't hug him long enough because I just want to pull him in as close as I can and stay there. The other morning, I was having anxiety dreams that had me crying in my sleep. I woke up to him pulling me into his arms, and telling me I was safe.
No matter what, when we first wake up, and we finally sleep at night, we want to hold each other. Even if we're exhausted, we want to have that snuggled up contact, and without even thinking about it, we will kiss each other and show affection as a way to bookend our day. When I see him after a long day at work, I often can't hug him long enough because I just want to pull him in as close as I can and stay there. The other morning, I was having anxiety dreams that had me crying in my sleep. I woke up to him pulling me into his arms, and telling me I was safe.
I smile with him more than I ever have with anyone else. I feel safe and supported with him, and that's far more than the excitement of a one sided long distance relationship, or trying to cling to scraps and love bombing. We're invested in each other, and genuinely invested in us.
Love isn't that overly excited giddy feeling. Love isn't that feeling of butterflies. Love is realizing you've spent the entire day smiling even though you've been cleaning and doing chores all day, because you get to do it with them.
Love isn't that overly excited giddy feeling. Love isn't that feeling of butterflies. Love is realizing you've spent the entire day smiling even though you've been cleaning and doing chores all day, because you get to do it with them.
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