Without Capacity

 When I got home from my bout with covid, I was inspired to get things put together at Rabbit's, and make the house there ready for us to move in.  We had so many ideas about how to get the house functional, cleaned up, and looking like a real home.  Knowing that this year we move in together, we both are feeling excited and impatient, and ready to get things prepared.

I had to go home though, to my puppy and my kid, and two weeks worth of falling behind on work that wasn't touched.  I was completely unaware of the situation I was going home to, with what my parents had done or not, or Squishy as well.  The next week was also all the birthdays, which meant even more on my plate.

Well, Squishy was herself, and didn't make anything easier on me.  I was still run down from being sick, with a mountain of things to catch up on as well as I could, and anxiety about a myriad of ideas, and she was being difficult at every turn.  I wasn't getting answers about anything, and she'd fixate on tiny random things getting upset with me and telling me how horrible I was, when I was just trying to get her to take care of herself and show any semblance of responsibility.  I don't mean massive tasks either, but simple things like changing sheets, or having the floor be clean enough to walk across safely.

At the same time, I kept thinking of things I needed to do.  Things I was either behind on, or needed to make decisions for in order to try to stay ahead the way I like to be.  That much time without working, and without getting to make more of a buffer beforehand meant I was eating into all my preparations, which I'll need come spring and especially summer while we're moving.  I also need to try and put more energy into so many other things to try and find more success in the coming months and better support my family.

I've felt like I'm running on fumes due to lack of mental capacity for it all.  I'm catching up, and I'm getting back to where I need to be, but it has me without any extra energy or functionality.  It's doubly true while I'm recovering from illness, and being unable to work out and get that meditative distraction movement for weeks.

We'll get there, we have to, but it isn't a fun process for the beginning of the year.