A New Devious Chapter

I've had a major pet peeve with any partners and loved ones for as long as I can remember.  Honestly, any time I've even seen someone else do it, it makes my skin crawl, and fills me with rage.  The kind of thing where it legitimately makes me feel like they are less healthy of a partner when it happens.  Unfortunately, it's something really common. Things like "if you love me you'll..." or "Because I love you" or "Don't you love me?" I've literally told partners that if they were said those things to me, I'd walk.  I'd be done, and never look back. I do a ton of things that show affection and how much I care.  I am very blunt and blatant about how I feel with people.  To bring any of that into question isn't funny, or cute.  It feels and looks manipulative, and like you're looking for me to prove something, and I don't stand for that.  I shouldn't have to prove anything to a person in order to consiste

In a way to continue my focus on a more positive mindspace, I think about the ways my mind works.  The things that give me better focus, and bring me peace. Obviously, I've talked about how service is how I show affection.  Getting to do things to help and take care of friends and loved ones gives me a sense of satisfaction in showing how I care.  Even when people are overly stressed, if I can take on some of it, or do things to help, it actually helps me manage the stress in my own life, and makes me feel happier, and more like me. Bringing people up, bringing them affirmation, and being a source of help probably brings me more positivity and peace than most other things in life, and I think I need to figure out how to utilize that. I know that I have a lot of experience with a lot of toxic and shitty behaviors.  I know that when I am not constantly being pushed down that I am a force of nature, and someone that many people are intimidated by.  I know that I am someone who i

One of the things I'm determined to manage this year is having a better sense of body image.  To do whatever I can to have a more realistic and loving view of my body and who I see in the mirror. My dysmorphia has been doing a hell of a job on my mental state lately, and I am absolutely not going to stand for it.  I shouldn't hate the way I look, or my body at all this much.  It's not healthy, and it's impacting on my life at times. If I didn't mention it recently, I've finally managed to do a headstand for the first time in my life!  I've been practicing it as a part of my workout almost every day, and it's making my shoulders and upper arms noticeably stronger.  I am finding issues with balance rather rather than strength, and so I know I'll find progress just with continuing practice.  I'm also enjoying seeing the progress I make overall with time. I've gone back to short hair, and that will be getting fixed soon after the clusterfu

Recently Fetlife went through and made a ton of words forbidden.  Made groups with vast sources of information invisible, and removed them from searches.  Some of the list includes things that we can pretty much all agree were not things to discuss on the site itself, and happen to be illegal in every sense. A lot of them though, were my major kinks.  I looked through that list and realized that all that was left of my interests were some very popular surface things, and it gave me a reminder of how many things I enjoy are considered taboo and edgeplay. And then I think about how often people acknowledge what they do as edgeplay.  That there is such a large chance for error if someone isn't educated or doesn't keep their focus.  To be honest though, that applies to so much of kink. If Kitty gets complacent with fire, he could give someone serious burns that require hospitalization and skin grafts.  If he gets greedy with hypnosis, he can completely reset someone's min

Eight years ago today there was snow on the ground, and more falling.  It was cold, but quiet and beautiful.  I remember sitting in the car, sore, feeling awkward, and still not like my body was right.  I was on the way home with the beast, less than 48 hours old, and still scrunched up in her green pajamas that didn't even fit yet. The previous days had been insane.  My water broke in the middle of cake for my brother's birthday.  I found out when I went to use the bathroom, and because I wasn't sure, I went to check without telling anyone.  Obviously, because of this everyone panicked, and I was off to the hospital. I didn't know it then, but I was apparently feeling contractions of labor.  Everyone swore that I wouldn't be able to function through them, but they just felt like irritating cramps.  Apparently, that's what early labor feels like. At the hospital, the nurses are weird.  However, one of the doctors I like is on duty, and that makes it a bit

Because I want to try to focus on the positive more, I feel like the most important thing is to remind yourself to find joy in the smaller things, and use that to bring light to the shitty situations, instead of only surrounding yourself with negative.  And so, I feel like thinking about all the little things that make me super happy. a good cup of coffee a cigar after a long productive day successfully doing something new for the first time seeing a finished project long car rides in spring fresh fruit smelling something cooking in the oven a piece of really good dark chocolate snuggling up and watching someone play video games sitting down with a puzzle having winding conversations that wind up being silly discussing science and logic going on an adventure sitting in front of a fire running around with friends dancing around to fast music listening to fun music and singing far too loudly walking through old books stores making food for, and taking care of loved

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what draws me to most kink. I very seldom get the chance to enjoy that floating rush with anyone, and don't ever expect it to happen.  I don't find zen in almost any play, or get a meditative feeling.  And yet, I want to do these things, and enjoy them. Lux and I recently have been talking a lot about how our tastes in video games differ.  He likes vast open world games, without a lot of demand, and the ability to just run around and zone out and do whatever.  I however, really enjoy very mentally stimulating games, and puzzles, and things that force me to think and learn.  I enjoy the intellectual and psychological challenge in video games. And, I think that's exactly it.  I enjoy rope because I don't know exactly what's coming next, and because there is always another step further.  I'm going to be challenged in rope, and need to focus my way through the ties, holding on in some places, and relaxing in others.  Wh