A New Devious Chapter

Years ago, I was talking to Squishy about friends of mine, and how they married, and both female.  She questioned it for a second, and when I simply said that people can marry whoever they choose to, and for whatever reason, she accepted it without any question. I remember her friends coming over, and not believing her when she would say it.  Saying that it couldn't possibly be true, while my daughter just simply agreed that people should be able to love and marry whoever they choose. Sure, it's a good thing, and speaks volumes for how we often hold the beliefs we are told to have early in life, but that isn't what this is about. This is about something a lot funnier. I'm talking with Squishy the other day, and mentioned a friend of mine, and then that turned into her asking if I had a boyfriend, and then asking if I had a secret boyfriend, and then asking if I had a girlfriend. And upon that, instead of the "No" I gave the other two, I said "Na

Lux just left from a visit.  The first time he's been here since the clusterfuck that happened a couple months ago.  While it wasn't the weekend we had planned, due to timetables changing, it was still good time for us. Rather than focus on a lot of the goings on, we just kept it to time together, talking about the future, and things we want to do, and normal conversation.  Definitely something that felt more like recharging and simply enjoying, rather than needing to go through the process of catching up or obligation.  Lots of affection and appreciation and just being thankful for the other. He also liked the present I made him, which was super nerdy and only he and his super nerdy friends will get. The next while is going to be really difficult to find time to actually be with each other, and while that does suck a lot, and I already miss him, we'll manage through this like everything else. For now, we just enjoy what we have.

Something crazy has happened.  Something unheard of for this time of year. For a couple of days, I'm caught up on everything.  As in, there's no holiday prep to do right now, no schlepping to manage, and no gifts to make.  I started early, and so I'm caught up on just about all of it. It's a strange feeling to be sure, and almost makes me more anxious that I don't have a thousand things to do at every moment. It also makes me crave time with people even more though.  Not knowing when I'll see them again, and now having space when I'm not running, and could be getting in quality time recharging with them.  It makes me feel like a big awkward jumble, and almost impatient to get moving again just so I don't have to miss them so much. This time of year is such a strange thing for my mind.

I read a lot of things about poly, and hear a lot of arguments for it that give the reasoning of one person not being able to be everything a person needs.  That they need another person to fill in the gaps, and this should just be considered normal. Except, I feel like that cultivates a negative space.  It means telling someone they aren't enough every day.  It encourages a competitive environment in hopes that you'll become the more tended to partner by being more appealing than the other.  It creates a space where we look at things as needs, which may just be surface desires.  And it makes us look at people more as a checklist than as people. I have the same needs for every partner I have, regardless of their space in my life.  Those needs are things like presence, acceptance of who I am, respect, and conversation.  They are all pretty basic, and that's because I need that to be fulfilled more than most other things.  There's never a gap to fill, and I think th

I will now take advantage of the fact that my posting schedule means I will always have something appear on Thanksgiving. This year, I'm particularly grateful for only a couple things in my life, but they're pretty big ones. I'm thankful for having people who stay around.  The vast majority of the people in my life have been there for a long time, even if they aren't constantly present.  They're people who know who I am, and what that entails.  Knowing they've been around a long time and still haven't disappeared gives me feelings of support, and that's the best ever. I'm also thankful for my sense of inspiration and desire for growth and progress.  I've seen myself be able to do a lot of things I couldn't, or wouldn't even touch a year ago.  I see myself becoming more comfortable and content with some things, all in positive ways. While this year was hard on my mental state, and there wasn't much good overall, I'm finding

It has to be something with the seasons, but I've noticed that especially with so many people becoming busy with the holidays, I'm craving presence.  Rather than wanting to simply be out among groups and wanting to be social, I feel like I need to be with the people I care about most, and have more time together to take care of them, or snuggle up.  I'm not even craving force in play, but rather the affirmation of power exchange and affection. I think that part of this is also just the long time I've had apart from so many of the people I can actually be affectionate with.  The ones I can just relax around, and feel inspired and relaxed and like I can recharge however I need. Hopefully with the holidays I'll be able to spend more time with them soon. In the meantime, I'll find self-affirmation in the things I'm learning over the next few weeks.

We've officially moved into the mass of holiday prep.  The other day I was going through my project lists, and massively time consuming things that need to happen in the next few weeks.  And, it's the time of year when I barely have time to breathe. Well, I was working on a bunch of things that I had needed to get more done with, but now that gets put aside again.  Not because of my mental space though, but because I have so many things to do on a deadline that it has to move to the backburner.  That alone makes me feel a little better about it. This year is really pushing me in a few ways.  I'm trying a completely new medium, which is going pretty well.  I'm also attempting some new techniques with other mediums, and just making up patterns as I go along.  It's the sort of year where I'm really feeling like I'm rather adept with things.  It's also fun to actually make things up just from a flat picture rather than follow a pattern. It's also t