A New Devious Chapter

I think about how I felt the last time Lux had visited.  That even though he makes me happy, I just didn't have any spark of joy that I normally do from seeing him.  That I felt very blank, even if I was incredibly grateful for time with him.  It bothered me, and not only that, but we didn't get a chance to really dig into anything that we'd meant to. Since then, a lot has happened, and I've made a lot of improvement in my own mental space.  It's done me a world of good, and I realized exactly how much in the middle of Lux's visit last weekend. Despite a lot of things going on over that week, we were able to find a lot more joy in being together.  There was a peace like we usually have, and a serious boost to my mental state.  I got to feel inspired, and share a lot of the projects I have going on right now, to work on over the next long while. We had a lot of discussion about the coming months, and making plans, and creating the basis of a fun summer. 

Squishy has definitely started the transition out of being a little kid lately, and it's been reminding me of a lot of things.  Either that, or it's really funny. On the more humorous side, one day, I was in the shower at night, and she knocks on the door.  She needed to use the bathroom, and wanted to pop in while I was finishing showering.  I had no problem with it, and didn't find it weird, so I let her in.  After stalling for an extra minute or so in the hot water, I got out of the shower, and she was still in the bathroom.  As I grabbed my towel, expecting it to be the normal thing is usually is, she covered up her face.  I asked what was up, and she said she didn't want to see me naked.  I asked if she hit the age where that was weird finally, and she said yes.  I asked if that was the case, if she would stop bothering me to take a shower with me.  She was quiet.  I told her she couldn't have both, and she told me to wear a swim suit in the shower.  My kid

Along with everything else, I've been trying to spend more time with people lately.  More conversations, more socializing, more human contact. While I'm not quite recharged as an extrovert, it is helping dramatically.   It however, makes me notice far more, all the introverts in my life, and people who are just horrible at communicating.  It's a frustrating thing sometimes, and really difficult to deal with, considering that presence is so important to me.  It's not that I want them constantly in contact, but when I'm trying to hear something, and get ignored for a week, it's hard. However, it's also making me want to play more, mostly with my own partners.  I want more deep trusting play than simple scenes with friends, which is very normal for me anyway. It's making me look forward to the summer, even with all of my anxiety for the time leading to it.   And trying to force myself to be more social again is definitely using more of my

I let myself have a good week or so to get lax on things.  My period hit, and with it came its normal lazy feeling.  It's always hard to get back into stride after that, and I need to stop letting myself listen to that. But this week is a lot of trying to manage time better and get more done. I've started digging into the next coloring book, and have a friend looking through for photos to use for another.  I'm occasionally getting ideas for the next prompt journal, and making a list of things for a cookbook as well. Diving into so many things, and they're all making some form of progress. I'm trying to push myself to dance more along with my workouts.  Get into better shape for Fusion and Pennsic and the summer overall. Which, my classes have been approved for Pennsic, and for Fusion as well, and I'm looking forward to those.  I've made up my insanely short hand class notes, which at the very least help keep me on task. Not where I want to be, bu

I was reminded the other day, of how different genders are naturally drawn to find features attractive. While watching a video of a new game, someone remarked on the face of the character, which was now given age, and lines.  Given very square features, and big thick beard.  The person said how much he wanted to look like the character. The character who looked to be far older than he. And it reminded me that for most men, it's encouraged to have those broad and square features.  That lines and age make them look distinguished rather than old.  And that is viewed as looking very masculine and attractive. On the other hand, most women strive to continue looking the way they do in high school.  They want soft slender features, with no defined marks.  Showing any lines makes them look old, and uncaring, rather than aged and strong.  It's rather shitty in a way.  That most men aspire to hit the point where they look like these older men, and women strive to cling to somet

Makeup is one of the few things I actually do that is relatively femme.  I don't go crazy with it, and keep it incredibly simple compared to what a standard full face would be considered, but I am a bit picky with the products I use.  I'm incredibly determined to stick to the cheap drugstore brands though, because I fully believe they should make a product that fits what I want, since a lot of the time many high end brands will also have products with the same issues some cheaper products do.  And when it comes to things like my eyes, or lips, I have products I love. However, as I mentioned a bit ago, I'm so fair that face products barely exist that aren't too dark for me.  I have slowly been building a collection of foundations and concealers that are the lightest shade available, and are still too dark on me.  It's a very frustrating thing. So now, keep that in mind, because we're about to get to some funny stuff. A few days ago, while filling up my

These last couple weeks have involved me working on planning a lot.  Planning more published projects, planning adventures over the summer, building classes, trying to pick out performance music, and the like. I've also found myself wanting to play a lot more, and that's one of the biggest factors to show how much better I'm doing. I asked Lux if we could play soon, or at Fusion, or preferably both.  We run the idea by each other a lot, but it falls to the wayside far too often.  We wind up doing other things, or accidentally having too much sex (which still isn't actually enough sex) and lose time to play. But we both want to pursue it more, and make time, and prioritize better.  We're both working to grow and make improvements.  And so hopefully we will have more happy violence. I've also looked at tying with a friend of ours, because he'll be at Fusion and camping in the same area as us.  I still need to have some serious talks with him though, fo