A bit over a week ago, the long talk Lux and I wound up having about power exchange was spurned by a question. I had posed a fantastical situation, which we both had liked, which involved some definite gestures of ownership. While talking about what I enjoyed about it, I couldn't quite find the right word. I had defaulted to "hot" with the vibe of the conversation, but immediately caught myself. While yes, in the moment it would be sexy and stimulating, there are remnants that have far more of an effect on me, which I would find very affirming and fulfilling.
And that, was what Lux questioned. Not being someone who submits in any context of power, he wasn't sure if this was what I had meant as a slave, or something more. I had to tell him that while it may be fulfilling as a slave, that alone carries over a lot. He didn't quite understand the concept of it, so I had to expound upon it further with some manner of word spew toward him when I had a few moments to write.
He did get to read it, and unfortunately had the initial response coming from the idea of power exchange not allowing for people to be built up. I had to remind him that not only was slavery not the only place I find worth, but that it's more that extra reminder and kick in the ass when the far more common to my life negative words move to the forefront. That if in any way submission made me felt diminished, I wouldn't do it at all.
Because I don't participate in short term power exchange, being in a submissive space not only shows that I am desired, but wanted on a level truly beyond physical. A domly person may want to be in charge for a scene, but for someone to point me out in a room, and proudly say "That Loki over there? That belongs to me" is incredibly affirming. That possessive aspect of power exchange (not to be confused with toxic controlling possessiveness, which I have dealt with and am aware of) makes me feel cared for in it's own sort of way.
In some ways, power exchange makes being a better partner easier. Obviously praise doesn't carry over as much when we're in the middle of sex, but requests, or praise as a slave not only mean that I am behaving well in that role, but doing what I need to as a partner, which brings me peace in more vanilla aspects of the dynamic. That peace of mind makes me more secure with all the things floating around in my brain, and so is beneficial to me as a person.
So while I do create my own sense of worth, and know that I am a good person when it comes down to it, and put a world of care into my partners, slavery and gestures of ownership help provide me real world external proof of that, which is important given how many people I have had in my world that thought they were being amazing people while being incredibly abusive, or accused me of being abusive for my behaviors when I was demanding to simply be treated like a person.
Even in a scene where there may be degradation, objectification, or heavily chauvinistic behavior, that's born from a place of sex, and fantasy. Afterward, the immediate hugs, and snuggles, and checking in, and care all keep those words from carrying over into the rest of our space. It creates an emphasis on trust, and makes those times that may look toxic and disgusting something incredibly intimate, which is empowering in it's own way as well.
Perhaps Lux just needed that reminder of how a dynamic built over time can have benefits going well beyond the moment, or the surface of the gesture. And this is why we need those rehashes over time.
And that, was what Lux questioned. Not being someone who submits in any context of power, he wasn't sure if this was what I had meant as a slave, or something more. I had to tell him that while it may be fulfilling as a slave, that alone carries over a lot. He didn't quite understand the concept of it, so I had to expound upon it further with some manner of word spew toward him when I had a few moments to write.
He did get to read it, and unfortunately had the initial response coming from the idea of power exchange not allowing for people to be built up. I had to remind him that not only was slavery not the only place I find worth, but that it's more that extra reminder and kick in the ass when the far more common to my life negative words move to the forefront. That if in any way submission made me felt diminished, I wouldn't do it at all.
Because I don't participate in short term power exchange, being in a submissive space not only shows that I am desired, but wanted on a level truly beyond physical. A domly person may want to be in charge for a scene, but for someone to point me out in a room, and proudly say "That Loki over there? That belongs to me" is incredibly affirming. That possessive aspect of power exchange (not to be confused with toxic controlling possessiveness, which I have dealt with and am aware of) makes me feel cared for in it's own sort of way.
In some ways, power exchange makes being a better partner easier. Obviously praise doesn't carry over as much when we're in the middle of sex, but requests, or praise as a slave not only mean that I am behaving well in that role, but doing what I need to as a partner, which brings me peace in more vanilla aspects of the dynamic. That peace of mind makes me more secure with all the things floating around in my brain, and so is beneficial to me as a person.
So while I do create my own sense of worth, and know that I am a good person when it comes down to it, and put a world of care into my partners, slavery and gestures of ownership help provide me real world external proof of that, which is important given how many people I have had in my world that thought they were being amazing people while being incredibly abusive, or accused me of being abusive for my behaviors when I was demanding to simply be treated like a person.
Even in a scene where there may be degradation, objectification, or heavily chauvinistic behavior, that's born from a place of sex, and fantasy. Afterward, the immediate hugs, and snuggles, and checking in, and care all keep those words from carrying over into the rest of our space. It creates an emphasis on trust, and makes those times that may look toxic and disgusting something incredibly intimate, which is empowering in it's own way as well.
Perhaps Lux just needed that reminder of how a dynamic built over time can have benefits going well beyond the moment, or the surface of the gesture. And this is why we need those rehashes over time.
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